The Young Man’s Gay Guide to High School
I’ve heard this coming school year will be an exciting year for you: entering into the ninth grade, going to be a high school freshman! That is an exciting event. Only happens once in your life, after all. Still, as a gay kid you might have some questions about high school life. Well, don’t you worry because not only are such questions normal but we have you covered, for enter, the Gay Guide to High School!
Here in this handy guide you will find some answers to the most frequently asked questions about school life and about the problems you may face when entering into the new school year. So, without any further delay, read on and lets ease some of your anxiety.
Question #1: “It is my first day tomorrow and I am freaking about whether I should be open about my sexual orientation!”
Listen here bud; this is a demanding decision, to be sure. Yet there is something you should know: life in high school isn’t like life in general. Though I would say that this depends largely on if your area is homophobic or tolerant, I can part onto you some spicy wisdom that may help you make an informed decision.
By holding off on telling your peers about such an important aspect of who you are, you are not only selling yourself short, but you could be closing possible opportunities with other gay freshmen; if you have the courage to be out not only does it set a precedent for the rest of your time there but it may give other closeted students the courage to be open. Being “out” on the first day sets the stage for your other three years. It wipes away the most challenging aspect of high school, self-expression, while having the potential to affirm who you are as a person.
There can be some repercussions if you live in a hostile environment, which is why I suggest doing some preliminary observations on whether it would be safe to come out, but I still take the stance that if not being completely out and in the open is possible, than telling a couple friends is a suitable alternative.
Question #2: “Okay, I have decided to be out about my sexual orientation, but how do I talk with my classmates about being gay?”
At first this may seem daunting but fortunately this problem is actually a paper tiger. The great thing about high school is that everyone is either already talking about their sexual preference or will soon be talking about their preference. Because of this you do not actually have to start a conversation or be dramatic and come out in a spectacular manner; which, in regards to, is better handled by simply stating your orientation non-chantly instead of making a production over the event. The same goes for conversation: sooner or later your friends, or potential friends, will chatter on about sex, who is cute and hot, and what interests they have. Use this opportunity to state your preference.
From here it depends on your school and how people react. Even if this first group of friends reacts badly, however, to you coming out or talking about homosexuality, so as long as they are not bullying or harassing you, you should feel more than free to salvage what you can from that encounter and move on to another group of students knowing that you were completely open about who you are. This being said, I would recommend that you not engage in even mild flirting with anyone until you have yourself established as “a dude who likes dudes.”
Question #3: “Okay, thanks for the advice. But, ummm… there is this guy who I am pretty sure is straight. I really like him and want to hit on him but am unsure of what I should do.”
Believe me buddy, nothing good comes from hitting on straight guys, it is a dead end. Likewise, trying to seduce them into sexual acts is only going to direct negative attention towards you. Youth play cruel tricks so do not believe that a perverted guy wouldn’t set you up for a colossal humiliation. Video recording pranks and posting them on the internet is very easy these days; so never assume what happens behind closed doors will stay there. Hormones are hard to deal with but not impossible. If you find that your feelings for a certain guy are too overwhelming than you may certainly tell him of your feelings (assuming he isn’t homophobic), just avoid making your revelation melodramatic (no one, especially heterosexual guys, enjoy drama).
Question #4: “Well, that makes sense, so thanks again. But still, it is awfully lonely in this school without a partner to call my own. How do I find a boyfriend when I don’t see any other gay guys?”
Finding a partner (aka “boyfriend”) is never easy, especially when you are going at it all alone in a heterosexist atmosphere. Still, it may be worth looking into if your high school has a Gay-Straight Alliance (G.S.A). This way, if it does, than your problem of finding other homosexuals has probably been solved. However, even if your school doesn’t have a G.S.A, than you haven’t run out of luck yet. As stereotypical as it may sound many gay youth are interested in the performing arts (dancing, acting, etc) so it might be valuable to joining the local theater or drama club. Though gay guys are likely to be in any extra-curricular club the odds of finding a gay or bisexual kid are more likely in the artistic segment.
Question #5: “Okay cool, I will put that to use. In the meantime, however, I found this Bisexual upperclassman and I think he might be interested in me. Should I ask him out on a date?”
My approach to students who are older than you and in a higher grade is to leave them where they are. While it is hard being alone, and even harder to pass up an opportunity to be with someone, you have to consider that he is several years older than you; as a result he is several years further in life than you.
If you are in the ninth grade and he is in the eleventh grade than that means you will only have one year together before he graduates. And when he does graduate you have to remember that he will probably have college ambitions: do you think he will wait three years for you to finish high school prior to leaving for institutions of higher learning? Is it really ethical for either of you to hold up his life? The conditions here are simply stretched too thin.
Chances are any older boy who shows in interest in you is only doing so because they want sexual favors. They will lure you to what they want by promises of companionship and then ditch you as soon as they slack their sexual urges. Unless one is ready to trade off loneliness for short term companionship at the price of engaging in possible sexual acts, it is best to wait until you meet someone closer to your own age.
Question #6: “I put what you said to use and guess what? I found a partner!!! I am so happy that I want to tell the world… but should I?”
First of all I congratulate you on finding your partner. Secondly, in response to your question of whether you should be open to the school about it, this depends on how open you have already been about your homosexuality. If you have already been as open as you could possibly be than there is no cause for you not to be open about your partner. Yet, if you haven’t been open than it would be best to be cautious as rumors travel quickly in the adolescent den of high school. Just remember that if you are open more attention will be leveled at you and such gossip may spread towards segments of your life which do not know about your sexual orientation.
Question #7: “Argh! Well, I was open about dating my dream guy but now some bullies have started calling us names and threatening us. What should I do?”
Terrible to hear about this situation but do not worry, there are steps you can take to resolve the situation. First things first you have to tell your parents as well as the school officials. Inform both of them of what is happening (if your parents do not know about your sexual orientation than this might be a tricky area to balance with lies). Both need to have constant communication with one another.
If the harassment is taking place in the classroom than request to be transferred to another wing of your grade level so you have different teachers and different classmates. This will place you out of the immediate reach of the bullies and give you some breathing room until the school administration disciplines the offenders. If bullies ever physically confront you and you are not in a position to flee than do not be afraid to strike any blow with any object. If it means sparing you pain than unleash your inner beast.
Likewise, however, bullies can also use the cyber world to belittle you. If this is the case than you must remember that no matter what hurtful instant messages you receive or what degrading harassment is thrown your way, you will overcome. Be patient, change cell phone numbers if possible, and increase your online security (for full details see our guide to cyber-bullying).
Bullying is hard to endure but if your parents/guardians and school administrators are proactive such horrid behavior can be stopped dead in its tracks. If you find that the school is not fulfilling its obligations to protect you than there is always the option of legal action; your state’s local American Civil Liberties Union (A.C.L.U) chapter would be more than willing to help you in this regard.
~ ~ ~
Well, there you have it my young chum, I hope what you have read in this guide has helped you in better understanding what to do in the event these scenarios happen. Though far from perfect, life rarely is, if you tackle the myriad of challenges that school offers you with your head held high I have the greatest confidence in you that you will emerge on the other side of the year more confidant, powerful, and happy than when you entered.
The Queer Gathering 
Hi!
I’m bi, horny, and a freshmen in high school. I always see these cute flamboyant boys around my school and I wanna approach them to talk but I’m too worried. anyways I’m not out to anyone and I don’t know if its worth blowing my cover just to socialize with them…
Hi! (and thanks for your comment!)
Listen, the best advice I can give to you is this: keep things simple, don’t introduce drama or assumptions. Visualize what you are looking to gain from socializing with people (whether you want a someone to date, a friend, or just someone to chat with at school). Once you know what you want, approach when not many other people seem to be around them, engage them in simple conversation– something along the lines of them seeming cool and that you wouldn’t mind hanging with them– and then leave after making simple conversation (or stay and chat longer if you are daring). Check up with them later and do the same thing. After a little while, you will seem chill and like someone who is worth spending some time with. Ask if they want to do something outside of school so that way people won’t be as likely to see you with them (and, of course, there is always the chance that you will be spotted with them after a while, so the key idea is to minimize that likelihood). Try that and let me know how it worked out for you; remember that it might take a little while for them to warm up to you. Give it some time.
Yeah so I thought about it and I ended up trying to talk to one of the kids I thought was cute. It didn’t go so well, in my nervous attempt to converse with him I ended up offending him and two days later he pulled a knife on a teacher and a teacher. So yeah he got expelled, not a good first experience plus I’m still horny 4 d*ck…
Yeah, that wasn’t a good first attempt, but you can’t know who and who is not emotionally stable; you being nervous doesn’t negate the fact that you put yourself out there and tried. You did well: it was the other guy who was not having it and you can’t control that sort of stuff. For the future, try to keep conversation simple and when all else fails just say that you are trying to branch out and make new friends. People don’t like BS so don’t give them any. Trust me, it gets easier the more you do talk with people.
(Also, I wouldn’t try and socialize only with people who you want to try and do sexual stuff with; I personally feel that you should wait until you are older before engaging in any kind of sexual relations. I won’t be giving you sex advice, fyi. You need friends right now, not hookups. Now, it is your choice what you do with your body, but please consider waiting until you are older, legal, and mature enough for the adult world of sex.)
I’m going to put all this to use😆🌈
Hey!
There has been a great deal going on lately: yesterday orders were sent in for 50 GSA-LGBTQ+ buttons which the entire group collaborated on and designed, I have my Senior Thesis presentation on disproving the arguments for the existence of god coming up April 19th (30 minutes of speech, and 10 minutes of questions, what fun! xD), and also had came across some very dear and delightful news earlier this afternoon! Namely, after talking with a good friend — Amanda — about prom, and also for the first time telling her that I had strong feelings for Shane, I learned that Shane had actually already come out to his parents. So! With that -massive- question out of the way (truly, so much is clearer in my mind from that information), I now only need to concern myself on the where, when, and how of asking him to prom : ) … Of course, the ‘if’ still remains, as with any relationship. I just get those sorts of feelings whenever I am around him of joy, comfort, and compassion in what we talk about; although, recently these past couple weeks we really have not had the time to be alone, each time we run into each other we are normally in mixed company, or we are passing by each other in the hallways off to our own respective classes. Amanda told me, that, when I ask him, she would recommend that we were alone. I entirely understand, and entirely plan on waiting for such a moment, quite exactly for the same reasons I believe you to know very well yourself.
Most of the time myself and Shane stay in my physics teacher’s room (Mr [Tomihiro] Ono, someone who I trust and respect immensely, as I have known him fondly for nearly 2 years — since I was in a class of the first five students he had ever taught, ever in beginning his career of teaching, last year) when the Juniors and Seniors go off to lunch. Sometimes a couple of other fellow students also do the same of staying back for the peace and quiet, or Mr Ono is around (since of course it is his room, which he also shares with another teacher: Mr Campbell, who also sometimes remains during the lunch hour). Meaning, that I would have to either account on the hope and if-factor of being alone for 10 or so minutes, and of course give myself enough time to work up the courage to ask him, of uninterrupted time together with the risk of someone walking in on the moment unexpectedly; or I think of some place else where we might find ourselves, and then contemplate on how exactly that will happen (since I recently lost phone service, direct contact outside of seeing each other during school has become more difficult, although I recently took back up some old under-the-table employment for the exclusive purpose of getting back the necessary funds to get what I need without having to wait on the charity of family; nor would I have to hope to get back some of the money which my father still owes me), I would need to ask him if he’d like to go and hang out somewhere, or… that’s really it, just going to see where we could go together, or, go to something as a group with other friends, and break of from the rest to talk to him for a bit (of course, with the right timing, which is never easy, and is left to random spontaneity, and occasional heart-seizing moments of ‘fuck-it, I’m saying something, now; now or not at all’)… I have no clue how I might do that, although, we have scheduled some times we as GSA are going to go out and hang together in the next couple weeks (however the time we planned for is the weekend of the 23rd, cutting dangerously close to date of prom, leaving me again with the conundrum of ‘how soon is too soon,’ and ‘how late is too late,’ leaving me to try and figure out the right time for all this to say to Shane), go to a park, or go someplace calm for a light meal and general spending time together.
((I hope so, for the going to a park portion, or going and walking through some hiking trails, since some of my close friends and members of the GSA are not quite as much of a fan of the outdoors as much as I am, I guess; yet I often have held the outdoors, deep woods, and peaceful bodies of water to be escapes from the confines of society, which, really they are, a place that I would like to escape to with the company of those who I hold dear, even if it be for mere hours on end, I cherish their companionship, and the uninterrupted atmosphere parks and other places sometimes hold within them I feel might make everyone feel more of that; yet I know that not everyone feels the same way as I, and it is because they have led a different life than I, so I am not truly taken back by their desire against the idea, at least, against the idea as I have thus far presented it to them, since they have the odd depiction of me as being a die-hard outdoorsman and may take them to extreme 60 degree hills and other inhospitable terrain in what they seem to consider my idea of ‘outdoors’ to be, although, really, I’m not all like that all the time… I sometimes go full bore at hiking when I am hiking alone, or with those I do not necessary consider as ‘amicable,’ but if I am there to be close to friends, that is what I do, and have done, and thereby plan to do; maybe I’ll better convince them in the near future… kinda got carried away and off topic there))
Everything else discussed prior, however… about the consequences of all of what might happen, is still very real. Hell, even distributing the GSA buttons will obviously give some pretty strong vibes those who don’t already have their suspicions about me xD … and that will go only as far as it shall and will go, and damned be whatever consequences may fall from it, it is something which needs to happen.
That is also the way I feel about whatever consequences which may befall me in regards to what people and family know about me… I do not care about how others — whom I do not particularly care for — see me as a person. If they are a true friend, then they will understand, if not, then the better off I am without them and their hidden spite. Yet, I switch the way I feel when it comes to the consequences of others, as I have already expressed in great detail before: with what Shane feels about this, and what might happen to him as a result of my (our) actions.
Upcoming stress is also another factor on timing, since from now to the 19th I shall be continuously practicing, refining, reciting, and fine-tuning (ironic, since there is that hilarious ‘fine tuning’ argument from design for god’s existence, what a funny one!), my presentation… most of it is not true fear of not knowing my contesting contentions, nor being fluidly fluent in its subject matter, but fear that someone in the audience may just not listen, not hear or understand the message I wish to convey; or that I, one way or another, fuck up how I wished to represent something in the moment. All of the free time that I have, normally spent towards moments like this right now of typing to you, are, and have been, fading away as it is consumed by my thesis. Going over Anselm Proslogion, Aristotle’s unmoved mover, Plato’s contempation of forms, Thomas Aquinas’ Quinque Viae, and Plantiga’s modal logic proofs, as well as a myriad of other philosopher’s cases on god over the centuries and millennia; and also attacking the general ideas of the onto-, teleo-, and cosmological arguments for god’s existence… it is draining, and taxing on my mind with the final stretches of preparation now upon me.
About myself, and, about how I feel about myself, and said contemplation about ‘life consequences’ and ‘future:’ the Marine Corps is still where my direction leads me. I have discussed — to some degree — my plans with many faculty, both trusted and not trusted (involuntarily, since a panel of nine teachers and administrators whisked me away to a sudden middle-of-the-day meeting/sit-down a month or so ago, and had at some point during the 50 minute meeting brought up the mentioning of what I planned to do after I graduate, -if- I graduate, and I had not hesitated in telling it bluntly as it is in my own mind, of course… without many of the details on reasons why), their response had been negative, urging me not to, some declaring that I had no idea what I was getting into, with declarations of “you do know that it ain’t easy, righ’?,” (in their typical slurred southern accents), to which my responsive facial expression of ‘no shit’, and vocal pleas of — “please don’t waste your time and my own time with lecturing me on that, thanks, but no thank you” — left the conversation dead. I have even told Shane, briefly, that I was still, at the least, very seriously crossed on the decision of truly enlisting… he told me that ‘he both did and did not see me as a marine, and that I should think about a college first and foremost, since he did not want to see me throw myself away like that so easily.’ Those are nearly his exact words, simply paraphrased from my memory.
I have read over what you wrote to me on the issue of the marines, and, please truly understand, that I have thought on all of what you said closely. My inclination to feel the need to enlist runs deep, and it evades words when I try to think of ways to describe why, and also why it is that those feelings have rooted themselves in me, too, remains a complete and utter mystery to even myself. I am very afraid, of all of the things that might happen: war, pain, hardship, and cruelty; both that I may be subject to, and the evils which I may do as a result of my training. It sickens me as to the horrors of war and militarization to which this world and this human species have both been the simultaneous originator and recipient of, and continue relentlessly to be to this day. But that is not why I feel compelled. It is ever so cruel how the emotion I harbor escapes discernment!
…I can only welcome anything else that you have to say on it; any question you feel may need to be asked; or anything, really, anything at all you wish to say. Your help and guidance has and remains priceless to me, and is consistently read and looked forward to with gracious appreciation.
Good to hear from you again, Josh!
I am happy to hear that things seem to be working out for you; especially in regards to Shane coming out to his parents (I hope that doesn’t prove to cause him hell): it is a scary process coming out, I still remember how afraid I was, but I think it is well worth it. If I were in your shoes I would be overjoyed to hear that Shane is Queer. Now, hopefully, he has a romantic inclination for you. I will get out my good-luck charm.
Indeed, waiting for a time to be alone would be best. If you find that that elusive moment alone is hard to locate, then I would suggest asking Mr. Ono for some time alone with Shane; ask for a definite time limit, so as to reassure your teacher that no ‘hankey pankey’ will be happening, but also be sure to communicate that you just need a moment to ask Shane a very personal question which means a lot to you. Honestly, I am not sure if you know this, but the good high school teachers are really the only other people who take high schoolers as seriously as you take yourselves. Especially with these newer teachers, they are, in general, more sympathetic to youth since, if they are traditionally aged student when beginning university, they are actually still quite in line with the average high school senior, meaning, that they remember what it is like to be in your position.
I would not wait too long to pop this question. Now, if Shane has just come out to his parents, then maybe it would be wise to wait just a little while as he gets his head in order; I am sure he is going through a lot right now. Of course, this is also why you shouldn’t wait too long to ask him since, not only will he need some time to wrap his head around coming out, but discovering about you as well; but this also relates to mutual support: whether or not he will admit to it, Shane is probably quite stressed and emotional at the moment, the chance for you to offer a consoling shoulder is approaching fast, someone to help him through a difficult time by mutual reinforcement and support. When I was coming out, I was all alone. It would have been remarkable to have a physical, real friend who helped me through that time and could have assisted me in the ups and the downs of discovering myself. If you wait too long, the time will pass and what could have been a substantial opportunity to show your character and intent, would have been lost. So don’t wait too long before you come out to Shane and express your feelings for him.
You can only control so much about your pace in relation to what you want to do. If this is your senior year and you intend on joining the military, then I would not be as sensitive to what people think about me, since it seems like, at least in relation to your school, you are going to be there for only a short while that it almost seems like you should focus wholly on making things work out with Shane and prom.
This is why you need to get things settled with Shane sooner than the last minute. Aside from the mutual support and the chance to build a relationship which coming out to him offers, you need time to figure out what Shane wants to do and how he sees things. Meaning, if he is not keen on wanting to attend prom, but still wants to be your partner, or doesn’t like the idea of your joining the military or your actions in the GSA, you need the proper time to sort this out. A partnership is a two-way street, remember, and though it is possible to compromise on what could be done in relation to prom and your futures, this is only possible while you also give time to the various personal and inter-personal contradictions which are ravishing Shane and your activism within the school. Same for your own relations with your family: if you are not out to your family, and Shane still has another year of school, how is a relationship going to be managed? This needs to be discussed sooner rather than latter because if it doesn’t work out, then you still need to be able to do what you wanted to in life. Your union with Shane is really the lynchpin of your identity at the moment; the longer you wait to start and get things squared away with Shane, the more difficulty you are setting yourself up for. As a couple, it is more likely you will whether your respective storms if you make plans and understand each-others goals in life. Of course, there is an issue in going too fast and pushing too hard, but this is why you need to find the right moment then go for it, because the less time you are giving yourself, the more strain you are placing on the relationship since it has less time to find its natural flow.
This is going to be a necessity since you said that Shane is not enthusiastic about your enlisting in the Marines. So, you have (1) Shane’s coming out, (2) Your coming out, (3) your activism, (4) the question of prom, and (5) the issue of life after high school, all to settle. Each of these interpenetrate one another. You cannot separate them. Shane’s attitude toward you will change when you come out; if he wants a relationship then it is going to be a very difficult time for you since you will need to compromise; what will happen if Shane says that he is only interested in a relationship with you if you abandon the idea of joining the military? If he is not keen on the prom or having an ‘out,’ public relationship, then you will ditch your desire to enlist if Shane goes to prom with you and has a semi-public relationship with you? It is these sorts of things which you need to start thinking about and what your actual desire is for joining the military (because whatever it is, it is clearly influencing how you are interacting with Shane, and will continue to influence how you make decisions as a couple).
(I like nature as well. Though, I would not call myself the outdoors type. I too find the deep woods peaceful as it is reminiscent of a primordial time, one before the complicated social and semiotic and commoditized reality of life. When depressed, I would often find some momentary respite in the woods, or, usually, just by walking and gazing lovingly at the woods, at their beauty, especially in winter, seeing the forest pines beyond the bleached fields carry a azure whiteness. There is a sort of romance to nature. And it can be soothing.)
Also good to hear about your upcoming senior thesis. Tackling the question of God in a religious school is a thorny subject, sure to ruffle a few feathers, but I think it is excellent for you to be so brave and stand-against the societal superstitions which, long ago, should have been expunged from civilization.
Presentations can be rough. Being a shy, introverted guy myself, I’ve always had to gather up some courage for hours before a presentation; depending on the degree of the presentation, I sometimes have had to consume a few drinks beforehand (not that I would recommend that to anyone underage or to anyone who can’t handle their alcohol). But really, stage fright is something you overcome in bits and pieces. Before I started participating in activism, I was terrified of speaking in public or even small groups. But, little by little, I began becoming more social; now, I can speak with relative ease in small groups and when it really matters even larger crowds. It is still not easy, but I am not incapable of stepping up to the plate, so to speak. I have a presentation, possibly two, coming up for my university’s annual symposium, so I am gearing up for my own battle with the audience as well.
About your own stress with the presentation: cool it.
First of all, it is seriously impressive that you are so well versed in these philosophers arguments, but this is the thing—if people do not listen, it is their loss, if you explain yourself perfectly, and they do not understand, then it is to their detriment and a reflection of their own lack of study; you cannot control either of these possibilities. As such, it is pointless to worry about it. I understand that it is important for your activism and identity, and history at the school, to leave an important cipher, but that is just the thing, it is only high school. I can already tell that just by the way that you talk of it, that it is going to be a fantastic presentation. Just because it is not perfect does not mean it is a failure. Furthermore, everyone can sense it, Shane and your teachers; they know you are incredibly bright and intelligent, this is why they are urging you to consider college; there is no room for philosophy in the Marines. You do not have to worry as much as you think you do.
(But, I will offer you something: if you are so stressed out on giving a strong presentation, then feel free to ‘comment’ the dialogue and I will read it over, offer some advice on the word choice, and provide some feedback on whether or not I am understanding your argument; as someone who is not versed in the philosophers whom you have engaged with, I can provide the role of the audience. Copy and paste your dialogue as a comment and I will read it over; no worries about others seeing your presentation: I moderate all comments and will just read it over without approving it, so you will retain your privacy if you want me to read it.)
Josh, you are a brilliant guy. Just remember this: whatever works and doesn’t work at this moment in your life, is not the end of the world. Be patient, explore your options, and really consider what makes you happy: is it enlisting, or is it philosophy and literature and the exploration and production of knowledge? Is your purpose in life furthering the interests of the imperialist-bourgeoisie, or finding a partner who understands and values your opinion and personage? Meditate on these things. Sleep on them along with your hopes and dreams and desire, why you feel the way that you do, and see what comes up. Penetrate why you feel the way you do about the military and start getting an inkling on what role this will play in a relationship. I don’t think you have given such ramifications their proper diligence: a military life takes its toll. An uncle of mine had relationship after relationship, and even a marriage or two, destroyed by his military career. It is a hard thing to manage. If your heart is so set on enlisting, then you need to give deep thought to how that is going to affect your life for the duration of your enlistment period and what you are *really* getting out of it. If you have feelings for Shane, then this should be on the top of your very stressful list (provided, since it is part of your contradiction, it cannot really be said to be of any higher importance since it is so tightly connected to all of the other points).
-Sincerely,
TGU.
Hey again, I have some asides which may be of interest to you, some fun: the first is two music videos. I am not sure if you have listened to any Troye Sivan but he has done some music videos concerning gay youth and they may resonante with you. The first is ‘Youth’ ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYAghEq5Lfw )while the second is ‘Wild’ ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdXNNveYOfU&nohtml5=False ) Both are great (though the trilogy of vidoes concerning ‘Wild’ are sad). The second tidbit that I wish to share is simply a word you may enjoy using. ‘Waldeinsamkeit’ is a word (noun), German, I believe, for ‘forest solitude; the feeling of being alone in the woods.’ Considering what you have said about the woods, I thought such a word may prove useful when articulating your feelings.
Hey! Thank you for the word! It has been almost two years since I have thoroughly studied German, and I sincerely miss the language… there are so many words in the German language that nothing in latin or greek can even come close to. One of the few very famous things that come to mind from Greek, are the four kinds of love: ‘philía,’ ‘agápe,’ ‘éros,’ et ‘storgē.’ And latin has some very enlightening definitions on what words we use in english really mean, and where they come from. Such as one of my favorites: ‘philosophia,’ ‘philosophiae,’ first declension feminine noun meaning ‘love of wisdom’; or one of my more enjoyed verbs: ‘conticesco,’ ‘conticescere,’ ‘conticui,’ ‘–no-fourth-part–‘ the third conjugation verb, meaning ‘to fall silent,’ which is similar but still very abstracted from the other verb, ‘taceo’, ‘tacere’, ‘tacui’, ‘tacitus,’ a second conjugation verb meaning ‘to leave unmentioned,’ and is where we get the word ‘tacit.’ Also, there is the very essential verb to all things in latin ever: ‘amo,’ ‘amare,’ ‘amavi,’ ‘amatus,’ meaning ‘to love;’ The sentence “Tu amo,” or “Ego tuum amo,” translates as ‘I love you.’ And then of course the rather obvious one, my online alias which i use for everything, ‘Cruppellarius,’ which has a ton of meanings, so I will just link you to a very amazing online latin word archive, it is perfect for finding the particple parts, gender of nouns, and conjugation and declension types of verbs and nouns, respectively. However, unless one is familiar with how to parse out words in latin in their different suffixes for different parts of speech and syntax, the website is not the greatest resource for translating english sentences and ideas directly into latin.
Archive page for Cruppellarius, Cruppellarii, 2nd decl. masc. noun (however, it leaves out other meanings like, ‘heart of steel, iron core, metal man,’ et cetera):
http://www.archives.nd.edu/cgi-bin/wordz.pl?keyword=crupellarius
And here is the general page with Eng. to Lat. and Lat. to Eng. search inputs:
http://www.archives.nd.edu/words.html
I think you will enjoy it if you are ever curious about anything latin related, both medieval and classical : )
And about the music you linked… yes I did watch all three of that trilogy, and, I started to cry after the ending of the second video, because, the foreshadowing was conclusive enough, besides, it showed where it was going, and I indeed have held very similar emotions, on both sides of each boy’s story. Except, my father was a carpenter and a roofer, and it was not my father that had suspicions, but it was my friend’s father that wanted us to stay apart. Also with other specific differences, such that we never actually reached sexual intimacy, since we were so young, and… he is still alive today… I hope, I dearly hope. I have not seen him since I moved away from New York all that time ago. I knew him since I was three, and, his name was William (but I always knew him as Billy). I was 12 when we said goodbye to eachother, and there were many tears… and still are, on my recollection of such fond times we spent together as children, and all the growing up we did together. My father was abusive, and drank, but never, like i mention, attacked me because he thought I was gay, but, it was more of drunken anger, and were set off whenever he would try to tell me that I was causing his marriage to my mother to fall apart, because I would never tell him what my mother did with her close male friend(s), and, it was drugs that she went to her friends for, but, one of her friends was my closest mentor — Mark (I knew him as Shorty) — who saw that I was truly cared for while my mother and father and mother were at their jobs, or drinking, or partying, or… whatever they were doing, separately. He (Shorty) died two years ago within months of my cousin Jonathan committing suicide in the Marine Corps; he fell down the ragged stairs leading to his front door and was discovered by friends the next morning dead with a broken neck at the base of the narrow and steep stairway; police still do not know if it was murder, suicide, or tragic accident from the weak railing or from him having been under the influence of something (I do not recall what the autopsy came up with, if he had any narcotics or alcohol in his system). I remember how scary those stairs were growing up, since I would play on them when I was young and when I was staying at his apartment under his supervision, I fell down them many times myself, but, I would always fall backward, and never toppled forwards, like it seems may have happened to him… I miss him the miss out of anyone who has died in my life because of how much I knew he loved me, and that enumeration of dead friends and family is sadly many. i have been left with no choice but to get over it all… but it never works, and I still break down time and time again, crying on evenings and nights whenever I think about my childhood, and or my future.
The music itself was nice, beautiful sound and lyrics…
Uhhh… back on to the really BIG news of today, in fact, this afternoon…
I asked Shane…
And, since I have been talking with Amanda about it over email, since, it is really all over my mind right now, and she really wanted to know how it went, since, she has really been the one on the vanguard pushing me to going and telling him today! To the point where she started to drag me out of Speech and Debate to go and find Shane so that I would ask him. (we had the room to ourselves, since Mr Stearns my philosophy, logic teacher, and speech and debate coach went to go play ultimate Frisbee on the practice field with some other students and teachers)
I think it’ll be simplest if I just post the emails in their original context, since, it really captures all of what happened and how I feel and felt (in the moments following) without having to paraphrase or rework it:
Me, 7:56 AM: “Gah, I forgot to bring with me my comb, cyan pen, and my cellphone… already a derpy day.”
(the day passes)
Me, 4:18 PM: “AHH! I asked him!”
Me, 4:20 PM: “I’m still shaking!”
Amanda, 7:23 PM: “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa what happened?”
Amanda, 7:23 PM: “I swear, you spend a couple hours driving your car and everything happens at once”
Me, 7:59 PM: “Damn it, I so badly want to talk to you on the phone about this, but I will make do in email…
I’ll start from the beginning!
I went to Shogi Club, and hung out with Mr Ono and played a 52 minute game of Shogi… after it finally finshed, around 4:03pm, Mr Ono and everyone else at Shogi Club left his room to head home (Edwin Armstrong, Peter Oliphant [not sure how to spell], Joseph Hunt, and Andrew Rhoads). I walked toward the front exit, while talking with Edwin about something random about Shogi, and Shane was waiting for his sister in front of Mrs Lloyd’s room. I said I’d see Edwin later and he (Edwin) walked off. I said Hi to Shane and asked how he his day and week went, since I did not have the chance to talk to him much (especially since we did not talk during the lunch hour). He said it went okay, and he was doing pretty well today… I then started to talk about the GSA meeting Tuesday, and the picnic thing we are all planning, and that I would love it if he came along, he said it sounded great and he would definitely go assuming the time was one that would work out. I thought, that… it seemed like this was the moment, we were alone in the hallway in front of Mrs Lloyds room, her door was closed, and no one was around. I started some small talk, and got my heart pumping with courage of ‘Is the time now?’, talking about Mrs Lloyd, his sister, asking if he was having cellphone trouble –which he was–, what a long and stressful/tiring week it was, his interest in Spanish with Mrs Lloyd, and… after the conversation remained interesting for a few minutes, Shane sat down in the hallway, and I set my stuff down and sat down on the opposite side of the hallway, our legs kinda sprawling towards each other as we just kept talking. Then, we noticed a random stink bug walking across the floor, it came up to my boot, and I tried to get it to crawl on my finger so I could let it out, but it just stopped and ignored me… we talked then about the fake plants in front of the office, and that they were annoying and dumb, and that the bug would die probably since it had no food around (the conversation was just something to talk about, while I tried to calm my thumping heart and just remain focused about not losing Shane in conversation, and trying not to close it out until I finally had the courage and timing to tell him.)… then, when things fell silent for one or two seconds, I went for it, and I remember what I said, but, it’s fuzzy on exactly what he said, although I still understand his response.
I said, “Hey, Shane, I have been waiting for a time where we were alone to tell you something, and, ask you something… I’m gay, and… I was wondering if you’d like to go to prom, -with me…”
he made a sudden contemplating ‘Oh…’ and said, “I don’t even know if I’m going to prom but,…”
back to me, “…-well, even if you did not want to go, or could not make it, we could still hang out with Maren and Luke, since I am sure they are doing something during, at, or even after prom,… if you wanted to…’
I don;t remember exactly what he said at this point, since I was so filled with adrenaline since there was *no* response like ‘Uhhh, no’, or ‘Oh! You’re gay!?’ or ‘what are you saying?’ or ‘I’d rather not… sorry’ or ‘I’m already in a relationship,’ but… what he *did* say, roughly, was “Oh, yeah, that sounds fun, I’d go with you”
Then I kinda fumbled by saying a dumb word that i should not have said (man), “That’s awesome, this is something I would love to go with you to, man [*insert instant regret from nervously saying one of my nervous and shy words*]”
And then, I told him that my phone would be with me at all times, and I said, “well, think about it over the weekend, if you’d want to go to the actual prom, or… whatever you’d like us to do together,”
He said “Yeah, I’ll definitely think about it,” and then something along the lines of he was concerned that it was $40 per person to get in and stuff…
and, I said that we could figure something out if he wanted to go, although, I did not explicitly say that I would be willing to pay for both of our ‘tickets’ to him, but, I totally am if he wants to go to the actual prom.
I then wrapped up the conversation, a happy and humbled smile upon my face, and said for him to talk to me over the weekend (although he normally does not end up being very active on his phone, at least, not normally from what I have been able to tell from his responsiveness to my texts like ‘hey, how’re you today Shane?’ or talking about stuff like when I mentioned something like ‘hey, i won’t be able to see and talk to you at school today, since I am at a math competition 3.5 hours away with Ryuki and Joseph, but I will have my phone with me all day’, and other stuff…) Ending with ‘Cya Shane’ and him saying, ‘See you Josh…”
AHH!!!!
The only thing that I did not, really say, was… that I always though of him as more than a friend, and that I have very strong feelings toward him, and I really did not mention anything like ‘hey, you wanna date, because I kinda extremely treasure your beautiful view of the world, and care for you more than anyone else in the world’ but…. maybe it was good that I did not… it would possibly have been too much at once, and, that is something I can save for this week, or, for the picnic, or, even after or during prom…….
I;m so nervous, excited, and happy, and scared, and hopeful!!!!!!!! So many emotions!!!!!!!”
Me, 8:00 PM: “Sorry it took so long to type that ! So much I feel I right now, and, just *melts* nqruivnapjvnqjuvnafjnrjnavjkadn jkcn zDKLJvq”
Amanda, 8:05 PM: “THIS IS GR8 MY SHIP IS CANNON but I wouldn’t push all that “I rly care about you” stuff on him yet. Like, not until if something happens between you. And then slowly. Most people don’t go head over heels with people like that. If you show an intensity of emotion they get worried. I feel, though. I end up caring about people way more than I mean to way to quickly.”
Me, 8:10 PM: “So um… other thoughts? I really need someone to talk to right now, my mind is fucking all over the place about everything …..”
Amanda, 8:13 PM:
“YOU BETTER GET CLOTHES
RN
WE GOIN SHOPPIN
I GOT MY CAR
I NEED A LICENSE
NEXT WEEK
WE SHOP AND I TAKE YOU HOME
DO YOU HAVE MONEY?
NVM I HAVE MONEY”
Me, 8:25 PM: “I have money, don’t worry! (In fact I am working tomorrow and sunday fo’ my $4 an hour job, but, I got a paper application from a girl who works at ALDI for some summer employment, perhaps earlier than summer too; and I will be stopping by DG tomorrow to see if they are hiring)
I need a haircut, I planned on getting it this weekend… but, my style is sometimes shit, and I have never worked with long hair before when trying to tell a barber what I want to do with it, plus I have no clue what to do with it xD, I need your advice, heavily! So, I will wait until next week for that, I will cover gas and everything.
I have a black suit, which I saved up money for and bought 2 days ago, the person helped me with getting the right size and everything, and dress shirt and tie, but, I will be trying it on after I take a shower in a little bit and I’ll send you a picture.
I need to burn 60% of my other clothes, cuz they’re trash… nothing else to be said there.
And lots of other stuff!!! So, Yes, awesome, I love you! And thank you so muuuuuchh!!!
But… is there anything else, like, beyond the material things… such as, how did I do with what I said? I know what you mean by keeping what I truly feel a little suppressed while we kinda warm up to each other. And, everything else! I apologize for being so grabby at whatever and anything you have for me to talk about, it’s like i’m a puppy gnawing on things with sharp annoying teeth! For lack of a better analogy!”
Amanda, 8:38 PM: “GIRL I LOVE PICKING HAIRCUTS. I WILL HELP SOOOO HARD. And I like driving people places and getting out. You honestly might want to tone down with Shane. I think you’re more invested in him than he is invested in you. That doesn’t mean it can’t be a thing, but I don’t know if he feels nearly as intensely as you do. Sorry, hun. One person caring more is the name of the game at first.”
Me, 8:49 PM: “yeah… I have felt that for a long time, and, loving him more than he may love me is what I both fear and expect, at first, or, what may actually remain. But, like I mentioned… I am eager for love, and, if I am not going to enlist in the marines, and, I remain terrified of college life, then, I might be around here for a while, and, maybe that will give enough time for something bigger to grow between me and Shane. I plan on moving the fuck out of my Aunt and Uncle’s house, and getting the hell away from my dad. That’s why I am going for so many different job applications all the sudden, I want to get my own little cozy inexpensive apartment, my own car (or whatever, I could use some bicycling and jogging to get back some lost muscle xD), and just chill the fuck out for a year, or part of a year.
something i have thought about, is, if something more becomes of myself and Shane (obviously what I hope for), then, I would want us to keep going in life. When he gets to senior year next year, and goes to college, maybe I will have re-thought it, and we can try to go for the same college, or close colleges, and… ya know, do the whole living out life thing…
And, if something does not work out between us (Shane and I), and, we become just friends again. Then I still want to be in NC at least long enough to see you, Clay, Leslie, Karina, Austin, and everyone else take off on your little life adventures! You all mean so much to me, and I would not feel right rushing off and leaving you guys behind, on your own… I would want to see you off before I do whatever, be it college, this ‘fantasy and dream’ of me and Shane, or… that other thing… the marines, or… USAF…”
Amanda, 9:13 PM: “I’m literally so glad about so much of what you said. I’m so proud. A gap year is a great idea. You clearly aren’t ready to do the decision. Thank god you’re gonna think about this. Ily. Also you could do a trade instead of the college or marines.”
Me, 9:16 PM: “Thank you Amanda… I still am so glad that I really started opening up about all these things to you, if I never told you about my interest in Shane,.. then, literally none of this would have happened now. You helped me go for it, and I love you so much for that Amanda : )”
And that’s the end of it, we kinda just simmered down earlier, so… I’m sure that Amanda and I will talk more tomorrow, after I get home from work… and also, I really apologize if those emails take up too much space, there was practically no other way I would be able to effectively summarize and re-type all of it without damaging the emotion and context.
Also, you, TGU, have made all of this possible, even though this is the first of many arduous steps… many… but, without your guidance I would have never gotten this far. Thank you, so -so- much… ❤
Hey again, Josh!
Thank you for the link. I will check it out when I have some free time; as it presently stands, though, the semester is really riding me, so I can’t check it out in-depth yet. I do, however, have an increasing interest in medieval studies, so your link may be of great help to me in the future, so thank you!
You never really forget your childhood friends and those memories which gave you pause. I know I still think back, on occasion, to some horror-inspired memories concerning toys and uncertain visions. But it is as you said, the past never lets you forget; ultimately, I think this is a good thing since it helps you grow as a person, assuming you are able to overcome the hurdle’s melancholy.
I am saddened to hear about your abusive father; my dad is also an alcoholic and can sympathize with how you relate to him. It can be tricky navigating their mood swings when they are under the influence and you never really know what they will do, so the feeling like you are walking on eggshells can be pretty intense. I’ve never lost a cousin to suicide/murder, so I will just offer my condolences, loss takes time to internalize and move away from, so considering the fact that you are still young, don’t be too hard on yourself for not letting the event get away.
But, on to your big news…
Sounds like Amanda was sick and tired of your hesitation; she embodies being proactive! Lol… but it is nice that she wanted Shane and you to be together to the degree that she was practically dragging you off to find Shane. It is cute.
It is awesome that Shane had such a good response to your coming out and that he not only did not deflect your asking him to Prom, but gave a fairly positive answer about going with you. It takes bravery to ask your crush that all-mighty question, but you managed it. I am proud of you! You are really going places and have a good percentage done on what you needed to do to have that happy life.
I think that you probably should not rush thins too much. Amanda is wise when she remarked that you are more invested in Shane than Shane is with you; a relationship is still possible, but you just have to tailor the responses you give. Being passionate about someone can lead to its own pitfalls. To someone who is still trying to figure things out, fiery passion can be off-putting since it is so far outside of their own reality. In my experience, passion left unchecked can really mess things up: you want things to go faster than they should, and in that haste, you end up doing things which ultimately serve to dismantle the very end-goal you want to achieve. So my thoughts would just to be considerate of where Shane is coming from and remember that your own reality is very well thought out; you have multiple scenarios outlined while Shane may have an entirely different track. It is never easy to go at a pace you are not accustomed to—whether in walking or life, it can be a kind of self-imposed machismo to force yourself to consider your fellow man, but it is something that must be done if you want to avoid sabotaging yourself.
I think you are going places, Josh. You know who you want to love, and you are intelligent; you are considering several different paths and you know how to ruminate on the obstacles in your way. Taking a year or two to get things figured out is a fine idea and I hope you and Shane work out. I would only caution to know when to ‘call it’ and move ahead in life should the unfortunate happen and Shane doesn’t become viable. You are so bright! Certainly not the average high schooler, so I would hate to see you muddled in a part of life which prevents you from moving on; memory and I wage a constant struggle, so I know how hard it can be to make a big life decision when you fret over a boy. But the thing is to overcome and build something for yourself. So even though I sincerely hope that Shane becomes your partner, should things just not work out, I want to see you go places with your big brain.
You are welcome for the advice. My opinion, after all, is only my own so it is of no consequence to simply give the way I view your problems. It is part of the human condition, to seek advice from our fellow creatures as we struggle through the machinations of late capitalism. Unless the internet Gods delete this blog in recompense for my many transgressions, I will always be here to dispense my fluffy words of wisdom.
-Sincerely,
TGU
P.S: You have remarked that you did not know my name. Aside from the fact that I do name myself somewhere in this comment section, I do actually provide you with the means to figure out quite a bit of my personal information if you know how to do some online sleuthing. I am not going to give any hints but… somewhere on this blog, probably even right in front of your nose, there is a way to deduce my identity; if you manage to piece together the information and snoop around in the places which correspond to that information, then you can actually find out quite a bit about me; truthfully, you can find not only a picture of me along with my research goals but even my university; all of this is public information, so anyone can see it if you know how to make some connections. The only hint that I will give is this—‘there is a lot in a username.’ That is already giving you too much, but if you can find these public details (the photo of me, my name, and academic pursuits), then I will reward you with a personal story of mine, one which may help you navigate Shane with some more confidence. (All of this is extra credit, of course. I like making games, so if you enjoy solving riddles, then I think deducing this information may be enjoyable for you; you strike me as a person who likes games. Maybe I am wrong, but if you have some free time I think you would enjoy being a detective)
It turns out Shane was already in a relationship. Hardly anyone knew… obviously, because such thing is vehemently discouraged here in the south. He offered for us to go as friends… I said no, since he was already with someone, and, I… did not want to put feeling where there would be no feeling in return.
Fuck… that’s all I have to say about it all. Now, there’s really nothing. Not a single free soul that I share common love and respect for. I would say that I am back to the drawing board, but, the drawing board too is in flames and rapidly turning to ash at my feet. Now I remain in the middle of metaphorical field, exposed to the vast, void expanse, after my delusional walls collapsed to a bitter and resentful wind, staring around for some other lost person, and finding none.
I put too much over-exaggeration into the words I used, I know… imagery, writing, language, it helps when I am in confused and lost times… ‘other fish in the sea,’ and all that other shit. But, when you tell that to a starving fishermen in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, his little wooden boat being battered by waves and flooded by thunderous rains, who also only is able to eat freshwater fish… it becomes a sort of cruel joke to bring up such sayings.
I am going to go lay down now… and think about life.
I am sorry to hear about your discovery. I too would be devastated were I in your shoes, so don’t worry about sounding dramatic or over the top; I have been there before and it is a natural part of learning how to handle things (I would simply be cautious in how you use said phrases and dramatics when communicating with others as misinterpretation can be an issue. Here, however, on this blog you don’t have to worry). I like the way you related the ‘fish in the sea’ to starvation. Very handy thing to remember and to shoot back against the idealists. I give it my seal of approval!
Just lay down for a bit. Think on things, listen to some sympathetic music or watch a sad movie; find something which resonates with you. I have found that for me, depressing art is where I feel most at home; in fact, on my Facebook profile, as a cover image, I selected a painting by Karl Kaufmann which I projected some of my views on existence. I enjoy it because there is a still quality to the heightened dreariness which fleshes out some of the emotional aesthetics via its extrapolation of the natural element; the inanimate—dead and congealed—labor which went into the dilapidated windmill, reveals something more profound about the human condition. So, find some similar media (anything) which provides you with a sense of company.
Other than that very simple advice, I guess I could tell you some of my own experiences involving disappointment and guys.
Two experiences come to mind. One when I was a teenager and another when I was in college. Each involved me obsessing over guys. Of the former event, his name was Josh (small world, eh? Lol) and during my Day School career, he was the only guy whom I ever truly had feelings for. Sure, there were other people whom I thought were cute, but nothing like Josh, whom I often dreamed of and knew that I ‘wanted’ as something more than friends (at the time, though, I didn’t know what that ‘something’ was). Fast forward a few years later and I have dropped out of school; this period was quite the time of recovery for me but no matter how hard I tried, I could not dislodge Josh from my mind. After much back and forth and chatting on Facebook, I finally got up the nerve to ask him if he was gay… I had so hoped him to be and just had to know since I could envision myself having a long-term relationship with him. When he responded, however, I was let down: he said that he was not gay, or bisexual (he added the bisexual part, I do not recall asking if he was bisexual). I became depressed; happy that I knew an answer and that I would not constantly think ‘what could have been,’ but sad that the man of my dreams did not share in my preference for men. I spent the next week in a sort of malaise. I took a lot of walks, listened to ‘emo’ and ‘downer’ songs, and played a lot of a violent video game on its hardest difficulty (when playing on such a setting, I had to focus on the game at hand, and not my emotions, so it helped for a while). I eventually moved on from that pit of sadness, but I would still occasionally have dreams of him, even as much as a couple years later.
The latter obsession happened in college (I am still in college). Soon after I was accepted into my university of choice, I entered their week-long summer program to earn an extra credit as well as try and socialize with the other members of the incoming Freshman class. One boy, in particular, caught my eye. What followed over the next two years would be a dismal point in my life; truly, a learning experience if I ever had one. But it was also a terrible experience since it had triggered some less than awesome moments in myself. Point is, my feelings for this guy were never returned—he was asexual and I am still trying to move on with my life. I still think of him but the pain is not as vivid as it was during the zenith of my emotional angst. I moved on: I thought to myself, ‘it was all me. I projected all that compatibility onto him; were we ever really so well-matched? He wasn’t intellectual, he was a geek; he was so immature, he didn’t communicate with me, I was the one trying desperately to do something with him, he looked on to me like a pity-party; he was an asshole. He wasn’t a Leftist, a theorist, or even a companion in the kind of media I liked… what did I ever see in him?’ I had to think of all of this because every association is a two-way street: he made mistakes but so did I. The thought of him was killing me and I needed to find a way to live without him.
So those are my two defining experiences with guys and even though you probably do not want to hear it, if you are anything like me, and I think you are, and become more emotionally and cognitively invested with guys than they are with you, then you need to be prepared to deal with this not only for the rest of your life (scary, I know), but more to the point, how to deal with it in a healthy manner. (pro-tip: avoid alcohol; financially, it is a drain, but it also makes you gain weight, do and say stupid shit, and protracts your emotional and psychological recovery. The temporary relief is not worth it; if you listen to anything I say in this blog, then it would be to avoid booze) It will make your life a lot easier in the long run and for people like us, it is a necessity.
None of this is to invalidate what you are presently going through, however, as your current emotions and distress is legitimate. You were on high and hopeful, then was struck low. It really sucks. But just remember not to do anything rash: yes, Shane is presently in a relationship but maybe, for whatever reasons, it will end and fate will bring you two together. I do not blame you for not wanting to attend prom with him merely as friends; you want the real deal, not the store brand version of affection; sometimes, after all, our phantasies need to be kept in their original incarnation in order for them to be valid, but still, consider not simply withdrawing from Shane while you work through your negativity; distance can sometimes be incorrectly perceived as dislike.
Just remember, you are a guy worth having, Joshua. It takes time to find our significant other. He is not the rabbit hiding in the magician’s hat, that adorable creature which is close by but just takes a trained eye; it is closer to this: an adorable creature which, like a grandfather clock, only makes their presence known at the proper time. (by far, that is the weirdest analogy I have ever made)
-Sincerely,
TGU
Hey so I am a junior in high school (I am guy) I realized that I am bi ( I lean more towards guys) about june or july last year but I haven’t told anyone other than my mom yet(she is cool with it) and most of my friends are either homophobic or just think that being gay/bi is weird and so coming out to them would mean losing just about all my friends and I am a very quiet person so making friends is really hard for me but the problem is that I really really want a boyfriend and joining the GSA would also make my friends turn away from me so I can’t do that and I am in theatre but there are no openly gay/bi people and the conversation of sexuality never really comes up and I just don’t really no what to do. do you have any advice for me about finding a boyfriend without revealing to my friends that I am bi in the process
Hiya!
Apologies for my late reply, the lack of internet makes communication difficult (yelling very loudly out the window, is not, an effective form to talk long distance).
But to get right to your question… ask yourself this, what do you want more, friends who would reject you if they knew the truth about something as tiny about you as your sexuality, or do you want to try (and I stress try) and get a partner? It is a very hard position to be in; on one hand, if you come out, you could lose your friends without the promise of gaining anything in return, on the other, you could—potentially—find a partner to spend time with. Since you are like me, shy, then it is not realistic to expect you to have your pulse on the heart of your school to find the gay ones, you would need to advertise yourself (my method when I was younger). It is a high-risk game.
I am not sure I have any advice; if you were an extrovert and could easily socialize, then you would have a good idea of who was who and who to potentially romance; this would act as a ‘nose on the ground’ and help you sort out the hetero from the homo while still remaining in the closet… but we are not so lucky as to have such a personality. The closest I could come to giving advice is to say that you should place yourself forward as a beacon of tolerance: be that guy who is pro-gay, speak up about homophobic jokes, comment once in a while on gay history and activism; simply put yourself forward as the guy who is sympathetic to homosexuals. If your ‘friends’ can’t even put up with that, while presuming you to be straight, then they are not worth keeping as at that point they aren’t even performing the basic function of friendship, which is to say, upholding and sharing in your interests, hobbies, and hopes and personality; eventually, after all, a line needs to be drawn—there is a difference between ‘people whom you tolerate because you kinda like them’ and an actual friend, someone who doesn’t berate you and make you feel low for simply being who you are. Of course, we live in the real world and sometimes shitty friends is all that we have. So if you need to keep them out of a necessity to have some human contact, then I wholly understand as life isn’t some after-school special or some Hallmark platitude.
Just think on what means the most to you and even on what you want to do in the immediate future. You say that you are a junior in high school. This school year is rapidly approaching an end, next year you will be a senior… what do you plan on doing after high school? Working? College? Whatever you decide now should be in line with your immediate future since what you select will have a direct impact on that; if you got a partner now, and planned on going to college, how would that relationship function? Would your partner go to the same university as you, if not, would it be a long distance affair? What if you didn’t want to attend college but your partner did, same problem as before about how the relationship would function. Additionally, in university, there is plenty of guys… you could, potentially, wait and find a partner there, whatever you decide now.
What I am trying to get at is that there is a plethora of divergent paths. Hence, why I am unsure if I have any advice for you since, at the position you are in presently, there is only one of two or three options you can really take.
Ultimately, however, this is a time of life when everything is changing so rapidly that I find it petty to overly stress about change in itself: if I were in your position, I would not care about losing some homophobic friends; when I was coming out to my small group of buddies, I honestly didn’t care if they didn’t accept me for who I was because, if they didn’t accept me, then they weren’t really my friends to begin with and such people are not individuals whom I would find any pleasure in associating with. So, ask yourself what your aspirations are and what your plans for the future are. Make plans accordingly and, in the meantime, try and make yourself a bit more known as a pro-gay supporter (I know this is a lot harder than it sounds!). If I have learned anything in life, it is this: nothing will change by simply standing still, effort needs to be invested, however small, in order to get the ball rolling. Once it starts to roll, then you can think about direction (though planning a bit ahead of time helps too!).
-Sincerely,
TGU
Hiya!
Apologies for my late reply, the lack of internet makes communication difficult (yelling very loudly out the window, is not, an effective form to talk long distance).
But to get right to your question… ask yourself this, what do you want more, friends who would reject you if they knew the truth about something as tiny about you as your sexuality, or do you want to try (and I stress try) and get a partner? It is a very hard position to be in; on one hand, if you come out, you could lose your friends without the promise of gaining anything in return, on the other, you could—potentially—find a partner to spend time with. Since you are like me, shy, then it is not realistic to expect you to have your pulse on the heart of your school to find the gay ones, you would need to advertise yourself (my method when I was younger). It is a high-risk game.
I am not sure I have any advice; if you were an extrovert and could easily socialize, then you would have a good idea of who was who and who to potentially romance; this would act as a ‘nose on the ground’ and help you sort out the hetero from the homo while still remaining in the closet… but we are not so lucky as to have such a personality. The closest I could come to giving advice is to say that you should place yourself forward as a beacon of tolerance: be that guy who is pro-gay, speak up about homophobic jokes, comment once in a while on gay history and activism; simply put yourself forward as the guy who is sympathetic to homosexuals. If your ‘friends’ can’t even put up with that, while presuming you to be straight, then they are not worth keeping as at that point they aren’t even performing the basic function of friendship, which is to say, upholding and sharing in your interests, hobbies, and hopes and personality; eventually, after all, a line needs to be drawn—there is a difference between ‘people whom you tolerate because you kinda like them’ and an actual friend, someone who doesn’t berate you and make you feel low for simply being who you are. Of course, we live in the real world and sometimes shitty friends is all that we have. So if you need to keep them out of a necessity to have some human contact, then I wholly understand as life isn’t some after-school special or some Hallmark platitude.
Just think on what means the most to you and even on what you want to do in the immediate future. You say that you are a junior in high school. This school year is rapidly approaching an end, next year you will be a senior… what do you plan on doing after high school? Working? College? Whatever you decide now should be in line with your immediate future since what you select will have a direct impact on that; if you got a partner now, and planned on going to college, how would that relationship function? Would your partner go to the same university as you, if not, would it be a long distance affair? What if you didn’t want to attend college but your partner did, same problem as before about how the relationship would function. Additionally, in university, there is plenty of guys… you could, potentially, wait and find a partner there, whatever you decide now.
What I am trying to get at is that there is a plethora of divergent paths. Hence, why I am unsure if I have any advice for you since, at the position you are in presently, there is only one of two or three options you can really take.
Ultimately, however, this is a time of life when everything is changing so rapidly that I find it petty to overly stress about change in itself: if I were in your position, I would not care about losing some homophobic friends; when I was coming out to my small group of buddies, I honestly didn’t care if they didn’t accept me for who I was because, if they didn’t accept me, then they weren’t really my friends to begin with and such people are not individuals whom I would find any pleasure in associating with. So, ask yourself what your aspirations are and what your plans for the future are. Make plans accordingly and, in the meantime, try and make yourself a bit more known as a pro-gay supporter (I know this is a lot harder than it sounds!). If I have learned anything in life, it is this: nothing will change by simply standing still, effort needs to be invested, however small, in order to get the ball rolling. Once it starts to roll, then you can think about direction (though planning a bit ahead of time helps too!).
-Sincerely,
TGU
As a correction to what I had mentioned earlier, I discovered that Prom is on April 30th, so… still a very long ways away… well over a month. Everything that I have said about my concern over what might happen still remains, but, now I am at least glad that there is more time, more time to think, and to try and ease what I wish to tell Shane to him a little slower. I know that I want him to know how I feel about him sooner, rather than later, but I also don’t want to rush or ruin anything. I don’t know if I should try and see if we would date before asking him to go to Prom, or… if I should wait to spring the question after I give him ample time to process that I was gay, and that we are close friends, and that I have strong feelings toward him. I fear that if we were to begin to date, maybe the passion and emotion would dry out before Prom, not that Prom would matter to me if Shane and I were together, as you said, we could have our own thing going on… but… I am still not even at the first step of taking our relationship to the next level, and he doesn’t even know that I am gay. I have been giving off many hints that I am at the minimum bisexual (mainly through openly discussing with him what he thinks of my design for some GSA LGBTQ+ buttons that I intend to purchase and distribute freely among my school as a means of protest to anti-homosexual policy and culture, as well as bring awareness to anyone at our school that may feel alone, and shunned by the community), but, maybe he has noticed my subliminal language and just tried not to think about it, namely, about what my sexuality is, or maybe he has thought about it… I don’t know.
At the least, I am glad to inform you that the ‘make it or break in within a week,’ panic that I threw myself into is no longer present, as I have more time; however, I know that at some point in the near future, I will -actually- be one week away from Senior Prom, and I am not sure what situation I would want to find myself in: Would I have come out to Shane by then? Would I have told him how I feel about him? Would we, by some miraculous fortune, be dating by that time? What else will be going on with me, and with him, when that time comes about? I still have many questions, those which I have voiced here in the form of text, and those which buzz around my head too fast to pin down.
Hiya again, Josh!
Forward action is good. It means you aren’t stagnant. Stagnation is the enemy of all things… except maybe philosophy which demands a degree of thinking… but then again… consideration isn’t stagnation, unless it is undue… (never mind, I’m rambling). In any case, it is swell to hear that your Prom isn’t in but a week; only having a week to sort everything out is too little time to give proper thought to the decisions you need to make.
Good to hear that Shane and you are getting a bit closer; when you come out to him, whenever that may be, I would consider including your communication time as a signal to why you hoped him to be Queer—optional, of course, but it is a known fact that people who spend a lot of time communicating tend to like one another, whether as good friends or otherwise, so consider mentioning how close you felt to him. It may help.
In terms of coming out, I know when I was coming out, maybe you read my blog post concerning it, there was a ton of Youtube videos of guys talking about their coming out experiences. I know when I was younger I found those videos to be of great help, if only for the story of how people overcame and what their own situation was like. But I can say that in terms of basic advice, you should make back-up plans for if things ‘go south’ and you are kicked out or worse—find a place where you will be safe as you piece things together. Once this has been completed you can think about how to go about the other aspects.
The last thing I would want would be for you to come out unless you were fully willing to take on the consequences of what may turn out to be a very ‘undue’ situation. But this being said, you should definitely be thinking about this and what you will be doing because a month goes by in a flash. I’m just beating a dead horse: I know you are tirelessly going over everything, so I am really just saying that eventually there comes a time for action. I’m not saying this present moment is that time, but just that whatever you decide on doing, a month is going to go by regardless, and you should, at a certain point, either act on the plan you have, or be fine with the situation gliding over.
I really admire what you want to do for your school—I honestly do; but you have a lot on your plate and I am just wondering if this activist course is the best plan of action. It is widely known that ‘nothing is going to get better unless you care a whole awful lot,’ (The Lorax animated movie for the win!) but this comes with caveats, like the ones you mentioned, and it could easily make your life a living hell. I’m not saying to not try and better your school or anything like that, but it just seems more like a means to an end than anything else, and in this case, the means is very round-about (meaning, there seems to be more direct ways to figure out Shane).
From my vantage point, it sounds like you need to take a step back and figure out what you really want to focus on. I understand that there is a degree of interpenetration, that some of these issues cannot be untangled without addressing other issues which compound them, but even then, it appears you need to take a deep breath and push everything which is not essential to the side while ‘closing in’ on what truly matters.
Josh, you are extremely worked up. Even a ‘coked’ out parrot would be able to see how stressed you are (all while repeating hilariously irrelevant comments it overheard!… don’t know who gave it cocaine, though). Clearly, it is not healthy. It seems you are trying to figure out everything at once—hate to say it, but that is a recipe for disaster. I think before you get overworked about Prom, you need to resolve the Shane Variable; if Shane has a less than desired reaction, then all the planning and worry will have been for naught; if the reaction is positive, however, then you can plan together, so I just don’t think tearing your hair out in trying to get everything organized before your eggs have even hatched is a level-headed idea; your emotions are clouding your judgment. Furthermore, I am going to be honest and say that for a higher schooler who is still closeted, and potentially has a lot to lose from coming out, attending this prom as a gay couple does not sound like the best idea: how quickly do you think this would spread to your family? If you are not out by Prom then this could have the unintended side-effect of outing you. While many great things are built on activism, and I am certainly not going to say that I think you shouldn’t do anything, I should say that activism of this sort, one where you may very well just end up getting kicked out soon after Prom began, tends to be practiced more by those kids who are already ‘out’ and are known to be gay to everyone; if you wanted to use prom as a launching pad to kick-start an activist campaign, then that is great, but again, it sounds like you need to focus more on your relation to Shane instead of the activism, at least for the moment (this is underscored by the fact that you have already said that you don’t know if you are going to be at the school for much longer and, in any case, will be graduating soon anyways, so…). I understand using the activism as the means to slowly hammer it into Shane’s mind, but again, all of this could be resolved with a single email, text message, or comment. For example, it could be as simple as the following message:
“Hey, Shane… you remember that time those kids yelled ‘faggot’ at you while you were at practice? Well, I have something to tell you and even if you have a bad reaction and don’t feel the same about me as I do about you, or feel that you disagree with who I am, I would appreciate it if you would remain calm and refrain from harsh words; Shane, I’m gay and I like you and want to be more than friends. I don’t say this as a joke or to make you uncomfortable. It is how I feel and have felt for a long time and lately it has just gotten to the point where I need to express it. If you don’t feel the same way about me, then I understand, but regardless, I needed to get this off my chest and hope that it will not alter the bond we share.”
(Not saying that you have to send that message, or anything, but something along those lines could be handy)
Concerning your fear that the passion may dry up if you begin to date—ignore this feeling. It is the way your mind is working against you. In every respect, it is an unfounded fear. Your ideal goal is to date him: everything working against this goal is the roadblock; fears on the level of passion is a roadblock. Every relationship has the ‘low moment’ of passion where things aren’t as intense because all of those melodramatic and sexual moments have already been enacted, and the only thing which is left is the bulk of the relationship, i.e., those difficult parts where you and another person attempt to form a union of mutual support and love while reconciling those aspects which do not work to your favor. Romantic relationships are great… at first, because it is non-stop puppy-love affection and fucking (usually together or one after the other), but once your hormones have been slated you realize that there is more to a relationship then sex and spending time together, that it is about how to compliment and work with another human being on nothing less than two lives, then—yes—the passion ‘leaves,’ but only because you are working on bigger and better things then placing penises in various orifices’. (Which begs the question, if Shane wants a romantic relationship without sex, what would your stance on such be? Something to think about) When this has been reconciled then the passion returns, but in the interim it is important to understand that every relationship has this slump and it is perfectly normal, so when you think that it may be a bad idea to get into a relationship because of the slump, just disregard it because you know it is a Trojan Horse utilized by your fears.
Ah, nice to hear about you finding a copy of Jude the Obscure. Of all of Hardy’s novels, this is the one which was actually easy for me to read; I first read Tess of the d’Urbervilles and repeatedly questioned Zeus the Mighty as to why the professor was driven to teach this novel. Jude, however, was engaging from the get-go, primarily due to its tragic nature. My favorite part in the whole novel is actually right at the part you are on now where Jude is skimming through the textbooks he received and feels himself incapable of mastering the material. That final paragraph there before the section break, where it reads, in part,
“Somebody might have come along that way who would have asked him his trouble, and might have cheered him by saying that his notions were further advanced than those of his grammarian. But nobody did come, because nobody does; and under the crushing recognition of his gigantic error Jude continued to wish himself out of the world” (31, Penguin edition).
Goodness! This is such a poignant passage. To me, the ‘sucker punch’ moment comes in that second sentence: prior to Jude, there is many moments why a character in a Victorian novel would not come, more often than not it goes something like ‘Oh, you will never guess who I met while in town, Mr. Darcy, I met Captain Angel—7000 pounds a year—and he was just the most charming gentlemen I ever laid eyes on, I am sure to invite him to the upcoming ball where he is to make himself known to Elizabeth and…’ on and on. Not so here! In this passage, Hardy has stripped the world of its fancy, part of his mourning over the loss of pre-industrial England, and written that ‘nobody came’ simply because… ‘Nobody does.’ There is no more passion and it connotes a dark world of existential crisis. I find this moment perhaps the saddest because who can’t relate to such a moment? Where you are at the worse state you ever have been in and no one comes to cheer you up, because that is not the kind of world we live in, where people come ‘for the heck of it.’
Okay, that’s all I have for the moment. As always, I’m here if you need anything (I’m like a gargoyle… only not as ugly).
Also, I found this story which reminded me of your own situation: http://thinkprogress.org/education/2016/03/01/3755034/charter-school-dress-code/
You’re not alone. Act as one, resist as many.
Hello, It’s Joshua once more… It has been a very long time since I had last messaged on here, and many of the thoughts in my mind have stirred, if still indeed kept their true form. I have come to understand and accept my sexuality as a gay male, no real question exists in my mind about who I am to myself in regards to sexual desire and orientation. In the place of such questions though… I have struggled with how others see me, and how I am supposed to fit into this world in the years soon to be upon me. I will go ahead and begin by filling in some of the events that have come about since my last inquiry. I feel that this time requires of me more detail into my life… more detail which I can only hope will help you see what may be wrong with me… and, if you had any consolation, be able to maybe push me in the right direction, since now I feel very… very lost and alone. (I apologize ahead of time for poor grammar and punctuation. I have been trying to force myself to write this to you for over a month, and now I am just going to try and do it all at once with no second guessing, so, my thoughts may be murky in translation to text, but I hope that I supplant enough in my words for it all to make some degree of sense as a magnum opus of sorts. Thank you.)
During the time in which I wrote my last messages, it was the time of year in which many fellow students had been applying for college, taking some last minute SATs and ACTs, and beginning to track down scholarships. I am glad to inform you that roughly (from my estimates) at least 70% of the 80-something seniors had been accepted into halfway-decent institutions; however, at the same time I had been trapped in the muck of my own mind. I did not apply anywhere… I was scared of my future, I did not want to watch so many years slip by while trapped in an instrument of debt and false promises while I watched my life pass me by. I now that I am irrational in that, or… I feel like that had been a mistake, fear from not understanding was the true source of my despair.
Fall went by fast. Thinking where I might want to apply, thinking about my relationship with Shane, keeping in touch with current events (namely, international tragedies, and, of course, United States election drama), challenging everything in my philosophy course, working on my senior thesis disproving the arguments for a theistic god… and before I knew it, winter break was only a week away. During late December, my sister flew me up to New York during my break to see her and spend a couple weeks with her and her fiance. I planned to come out to her as being gay, and about what I thought I might do with my next few years…
Preceding seeing my sister, I will admit, that I have been falling into serious spouts of depression… and, yes, including severe contemplation of “the ‘s’ word.” I would rather not leave that out and pretend as if it was not something which corrupted my mind and my thoughts, because it was. I have decided against it, for the primary cause of ‘hopefulness’ about what might be, and for the most blatant cause of not wanting to leave my sister with the second close member of our family dead by their own hand… I would not want to do that do her, and, could not do that to her.
I rather silent when I was up in New York with her and her fiance (my sister’s name is Danielle, by the way, and her fiance is Dan), for the most part I was enjoying her presence, and also thinking about a lot of shit, such as if and when to come out to her, and about my mental struggle. Some good amount of time spent with Dan as well, discussing life, wasting time away watching him game away on his PlayStation, all of it was good, stupid, simple fun, or, it all seemed like that. My time their began to quickly fade away, what was only a total of 13 days. Towards the end of my time their, a couple days before christmas eve, Dan and I had been out to eat after a day of taking care of odds and ends that needed to be finished for some last minute holiday stuff. He brought up the question of what I wanted to do with my life, and how I was doing in school. I did not lie about how I was doing, I was struggling pretty bad (and still am), primarily just not caring, only taking a handful of the courses that I truly feel deeply involved in and sinking all my time into them, letting all other courses fall to the wind. Following that was the question of college which he had brought up. I mentioned to him that I was probably going to end up enlisting in the Marine Corps. I do not remember all of the conversation, but, it quickly devolved into a conversation of him asking of why I was so tense all the time, why I struggling in school, and why I was unsure of college, and why I thought that the Marines would be a good idea.
Dan was someone who grew up in the worst possible scenario. His life was filled with gang violence, an abusive mother, an absent father, and a mentor of a grandfather. He saw many of his friends killed or locked away in prison, and had himself gotten involved with the drug trade, being a ‘connect’ for weed for over half of his life. A home invasion, which I mentioned in a previous post on this board, had left him with a bullet in his left leg and my sister diagnosed with PTSD when two individuals had broken the door down when they were both home in search of drugs, money, and valuables. Since then Dan has scaled down his operations considerably to only close friends, but, still deals as a primary means of making money… I got myself sidetracked in recalling details, I apologize. My point is that he has lived a life on the streets. And for some reason, he sees me as someone who would have been able to do so much more that he, someone who was destined for a college education and a better life. Upon mention of military service he lit up on me for throwing away my life, for me being corrupted by an abusive father (although my father is abusive, he really never pushed me towards military service… I never understood why Dan would correlate the two), and other things which I have tried to subconsciously and consciously repress. The conversation, turned into a monologue delivered by Dan, left me in quiet tears in the middle of the diner, covering my face to hide my broken expression and disheveled pace of breath.
I deeply respect Dan, because I understand that he has gone through hell, and I take every one of his words into deep consideration. It was all just very overwhelming to me, uncertain how to take such direct involvement of what was my life, and seeing how serious Dan was about his words to me. He thought that military service would waste my life, while I felt college would waste my life, and I knew that doing neither and choosing nothing would equally waste it all. Dan asked me if I was going to end up like me and my sister’s cousin, Jonathan, and kill myself while in the service… I never told him about my mental anguish, he knew I was not holding up the greatest mentally, but he did not at any point know how bad (or, at least he did not know then, since when I had told my sister, several weeks after returning to the south after my visit, via lengthy text, Dan was indirectly informed about me). I have come to fear college because I have come to the narrow-minded conclusion that I want to stop learning about things second hand. Shakespeare is beautiful, but of the many works that I have read (Macbeth, Richard III, Julius Caesar, Hamlet, et cetera) none of it has helped me, none of it has helped me see answers any clearer. Physics was fun, and I was not that bad at it, but it all felt to pointless, if I did not understand life then why would I want to spend my days trying to understand inanimate objects? Why would I want to spend hours and days laboring over calculus, or in a lab? Sure I loved learning about history of human achievement, Locke, Hobbes, and Rousseau, but, how did that help me understand the human condition? How does it help me understand how I feel? How I think that I think? And the beautiful bastard that philosophy has been for me has only ended up bringing more pain, confusion, and anger than before. I want to feel life first hand, do something, be with someone, sexually or not! None of it matters: what is done, or in what order. All that I can feel right now is that I want to see what direction understanding can be found, and just go in that direction, with all of my strength and being.
With the end of that rant… i’ll try to get back to the timeline. After the scene at the diner, things remained relatively quiet between us until after christmas. Nothing was ever brought up again about what had happened or what was said. That all kept up to some vague sense of hollow normality until the night before I was going to get on the plane back south. That night became the first night I had ever messed with drugs, I had made a tacit promise to myself to accept Dan’s offering of letting me smoke before I left, if, and only if, I wanted to. That night I wanted to see if weed would help me relax, and become a little less tense, and try to get my mind off of all the painful stuff that it normally spent all of its energy trying to hold back in the deep dark barren corners of my thought. So, I tried it, hit a bong roughly the size of my chest, coughed a bunch, felt the burning smokey sting in my throat fade away and a tingling sensation take away all tension. I will not go on anymore about it. But the experience was a sign to myself to try and turn over a ‘new leaf’ as some may call it, or just put away cowardice in many things.
I stayed awake the whole night through, Dan went to sleep, I remained awake packing things and thinking. The next morning I was wide awake, filling myself with determination to tell my sister that I was gay. I was caught in up the drab thinking, and before I knew it we were on the 5 minute drive to the air port, and I still had not told her. And, suddenly once a break in conversation presented itself, I interjected: ‘Hey Danielle, I have something I want to tell you’ “What?” ‘I’m gay.’ “Really!?” ‘Yeah.’ “How long have you known?” ‘Three years.’ “So, do you just… not like girls?” ‘No, I don’t, I never really have.’ And a bunch of other little questions, she came to accept it very well, to my own surprise. It is hard to describe everything, but I tried to maintain the euphoria that I had, the rush of fear being dropped at my feet and left behind as I pushed on with everything.
Now… from there things did not continue so brightly, about two weeks later after getting home I did that thing I had mentioned, describing my pain and perhaps the source of such dark and depressing thought. I never came out to my dad, because… just no. Still have not, still probably will not. I want to just leave and get him out of my life. I have already cut all contact with my mom, have not truly ‘talked’ to her since 2011. We spoke with each other once in the summer of 2014 when my sister took me to see her during a previous trip to New York, but our conversation lasted about 3 minutes, and nothing interesting was said, just her pretenses of ‘I love you,’ ‘I miss you,’ as if the years that I refused to talk to her were nothing. Her words that time sounded as if it were still the past, like she was talking to me like I was just about to leave for school (for lack of a better memory of her saying ‘I love you’). Again, I am sidetracked by memory, it happens way too much to me, especially as of late.
Shane… has, remained very much so on my mind… and by that I mean that he has quite nearly become the only thing that I look forward to each day, whatever time that I can spend with him I cherish. I have still not asked him if he has a crush, I am too terrified to do that, but, he is not in a relationship. I have been encouraging him to attend more GSA meetings with me, however, since a car wreck had cost him his own independent means of transportation, he now has to rely on his younger sister for his means of getting around to and from places, of course, limiting him. The GSA at my school has sadly condensed severely. The teacher-sponsor we have has not attended the past 5 meetings, so, a total of 4 or 5 of us die-hards at the school just show up and talk, about many things, often times we all end up getting into conversation with my AP World History teacher Mr Alexander, whose room we use to meet in.
Recently, as of 2 weeks ago, we had a meeting in which we geared conversation towards one another. Things went from music, to pet peeves, to then… our sexuality. We understood full-well that we would not want to out anyone, and push them into confessing a sexuality, but, we all kinda just did so willingly. I find myself of the sort of self-policy that, I hide nothing, I do no often times find myself very open about describing myself, since I never wish to impose and seem selfish, but I will never refuse to answer a question or lie to a question posed. So, thus, when I was kindly asked by my good friend Amanda with the innocent: “So?” after a couple others had shared their own sexuality. I succinctly replied: “Yeah-uh, I’m gay.” and that was that. Now my sister and all of those at that GSA meeting (all good friends): (An)Drew, Austin, Amanda, and Liz. I wish very dearly that Shane had been able to come to that meeting… It would have been my most ideal means of telling him about how I was available… if, he, also was gay. Now, I do not know if I will ever be in the same situation, of having been asked about my sexuality in front of friends, with now little chance of that question ever being asked to me again by the same audience if Shane were to come to this next meeting, or, even perhaps better, Shane asking me himself about my sexuality, I would tell him without any hesitation.
We try and run into each other every day, twice or three times a week we end up playing a match of Shogi (Japanese Chess), he often shares with me, and I often ask of him to discuss whatever he is working on for his creative writing course. I just… don’t know what to do next, I wish I had that same fervor and drive that I had gained in New York. I want us to become intertwined enough that… if I were to enlist in the Marine Corps, that I could write to him about how I felt (via letter, since the Marine Corps Recruit can only use non-electronic communication), see how he was doing, and, stay in close contact… I am so lost with him, I want but yet I am not sure how to go about fulfilling any of it. I never want to be a burden on him, and, I don’t know if trying to be ‘aggressive’ and ‘assertive’ about how I feel towards him, I never want that, but I also don’t want to see what opportunity of what remains of my senior year go to waste. My school is still largely anti-gay, and harbors vast homophobic sentiment and reserves a large amount of anti gay policy. Namely, males cannot wear earrings or headbands, only girls. No openly same-sex couples at school dances. No dyeing of hair. And a stringent school uniform policy which prohibits any form of additional expression of individualism, or any ‘social signals’ that I might be able to give off about my ‘more liberal mindset’ towards things, I am not exactly sure how to go about phrasing that… My absolute dream right now would be for us to go to senior prom together, if that could ever happen. I could care less about what the school had to say about it, I would care first about how Shane would feel about us perhaps doing that, if… the feeling was their in return, and, second I would have to discover how I could keep my father out of what I was doing, such as not telling him who I was going to prom with, or, other things…
All of it is but a dream as I type this to you now, a dream that I guard dearly with my heart.
There is, although, a great question, that I have practically shifted aside this entire ‘essay’ of a response, and that is about my prima facie decision to enlist. I… don’t know what to do with my life, and, as you may have been able to draw from all that has thus far been said, there is no good reason which I hold to any of my decisions besides my premise of just ‘seeking understanding of life and going for it.’ I feel that I have lost all chance at pushing myself off to college/university. I know, of course, that I could spend just a few months post senior year and apply for soonest possible and still get in. That is assuming, however, that I graduate high school. My performance has not been great, my absences exceed the school allotted “6 absences per trimester” which I have, possible 20 or so total absences thus far, never been late to, or skipped class, that’s not something that I do. It often becomes just feeling mentally ill the morning off from just painful thought, or lack of sleep from insomnia from such painful though, or both, along with the occasional actual sickness, like a 103 degree fever I had gotten just last week, thankfully only missed a Friday and burned it out over that adjacent weekend. I am failing English this trimester due to not having turned in one essay, and from not performing well on reading quizzes (from not reading), failing or under-performing (not sure which, have not checked) AP Environment Science from not turning in a few written things. Failing my second attempt at AP Calculus BC as an independent study, my first year I aced all tests but was unable to turn in homework, and it quickly stacked up to be unable to turn in take-home tests and homework, thus causing me to fail; I ended up making a 4 (Well Qualified) out of a possible 5 (Very Well Qualified) on the AP Exam at the end of my junior year. This year is an exact mirror of last year in regards to calculus, just not finishing fast enough on homework, spending hours on a single problem (of roughly 20 per night) and giving up at 3 in the morning in a desperate attempt at getting some sleep. That devolved into not trying at all, and just accepting defeat while dedicating that time to other things, such as going full force into speech and debate class and debate-speech writing. An even more recent development which fills my time is preparing a legal case against my school (a public charter school, if you’ve heard of those) in regards to the preposterous policy that I had made clear earlier, however, we are bound by contract which is signed at the beginning of each school year to the policy (I did not sign it, but, if I were to speak up about not signing it then I would technically not be a part of the school anymore). There are many legal issues with the policy regardless, primarily in contradiction with the supreme court’s decision on Tinker v. Des Moines… but that’s a different topic.
Well… looking over to the time and realizing that I have spent 3 hours writing this, and it now being 4 in the morning, I think I will leave this as is for you to begin to read over. In these tired words I say this as summary: I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you will have to say in response to all of this broken thought… but I look forward to whatever you may think, whenever it may come about before in the form of word. Sorry about the length, as usual, but, I felt that I needed to say as much as I could about how things in my life have been working–or rather, not working.
Thank you very sincerely, you may not have a clue how much this really means to me at this point in my life, practically all of it I am letting hang in the wind, at the edge of my fingers.
-Joshua
Hi again, Joshua!
First off, it is good to see that you have accepted you for who you are: excavating your sexuality, or for some, the lack of it, therefore, is the first step toward excavating your personhood. Plus, the added benefit of being able to celebrate your identity is far better than loathing yourself—with the world so busy with the hustle and bustle, no one has any time for that self-hate; I got stuff to do!
I can sympathize with your fear of the future and apathy in advancing yourself, especially when you know that part of that advancement means debt; refusing to attend college because of it, is not something I would call foolhardy by any means. With this being the case, however, you do need to find an alternative outlet if you want to do something other than service and retail jobs, which, given the state of the economy, may not be better than debt as at least with debt, it will eventually be paid, whereas without a college degree you will be in the same low-income standing. In short, capitalism isn’t giving you too many options and none of them exactly smell like roses (unless, of course, you have a perverted understanding, or a particularly poetic understanding, of roses). Naturally, I do not find any fault in being paralyzed for a little while—sure, you may feel a bit lackadaisical for a moment in compared to your peers, but as long as you eventually move forward, I ultimately find no issue with you carefully ruminating on your options, however limited they may be.
The ‘S word’ is serious business. I have been in several bouts of deep depression where I have contemplated suicide and part of what kept me away was thinking about my family, specifically, how it would just rip them apart had I taken my life. It is good to hear that you decided against it. I know, however, that despite the familial aspect, it can be hard, even painstakingly so, to refrain from taking your life when severe episodes come on. So I applaud you for having the resilience in continuing this journey called life.
My thoughts on the Marine Corps: I would strongly advise against it. The military is not the best place for anyone with a mental illness, especially in our time of perpetual war. Aside from the very real fact you could be called on for service when the inevitable next war begins (or should I say, escalates into a ground invasion, since the U.S is already involved in numerous conflicts and is presently preparing to mount a concentrated attack on Libya), the discipline and lifestyle of the Marines is arduous. For example, my brother, who is mentally healthy, was put on suicide watch during his basic training and was eventually discharged because of it; for someone who is already struggling, the experience would be far more intense. This is in addition to the fact that, from what I have heard from relatives, the Marines have the shoddiest living conditions of basically the entire military (supposedly adds to discipline or some such BS). I would suggest seeking other arrangements. (This is to say, however, that I do not agree with how Dan treated you; coming from someone like him, who had such a difficult life, I can understand where he is coming from, but I think matters such as these can be better left to calmly talking instead of abusive torrents)
You are under the impression that you are to find purpose in life through knowledge itself, and this is simply false. If you are the type of person who values knowledge in itself, then academia is likely your calling card, but it is not going to give you self-control, understanding and the like. Despite what some stories claim, like those stories about people reading certain books and claiming that it ‘saved’ them, knowledge, for us intellectuals-in-training, is a means of argumentation, something to help us define our identity but not create our identity, especially not when you are struggling with mental health; perhaps for someone with a healthy state of mind knowledge can be used to forge an identity, but that is a privilege, while for everyone else it will only ever be a coping measure or an attachment to what exists already and what is being built. From first-hand experience, I understand this: despite my love for literature and theory and some aspects of philosophy, I don’t find such things to be medicine in and of themselves. At the end of the day, what ‘studying’ does is to help people find a deeper appreciation for aspects of the human condition; for example, when I read certain books by Thomas Hardy, such as Tess of the d’Urbervilles, and Jude the Obscure (an amazing book, by the way, filled with angst and tragedy, including a protagonist I identified with deeply), I find that the more I delve into them- the more I re-read them and read scholarly and critical articles about them—I am able to understand aspects of the human condition and make connections between how these perpetual feelings have been inherent throughout history and have changed and altered depending on the culture, epoch, and situation; I find that I am comforted when I think about Jude’s struggle to find happiness because he is like us, confused and desperate, and in his confused desperation, he makes mistakes and finds himself in less-than-awesome predicaments. Jude is like me, and though he didn’t have an ending which I would care to experience myself, the fact that a character like Jude was written means that my own thoughts and struggles when I am ill, are like those throughout time and place—Jude’s attempt at suicide when jumping on the surface of a frozen lake would have been little different than my own attempt, despite the different means; when Jude flings down his books in frustration and cries over believing himself not suited for university, I can sympathize with him when I consider ‘Imposter Syndrome’ (or, the widespread issue among academics of not believing themselves to be as smart as they actually are, as being an imposter for their field). I find comfort in this; to be true, it is not going to give me an identity, and I would be remiss if it did give me an identity, but it helps me see a bit about life which is otherwise hidden, because it enables me to see the shared consciousness, that what I feel has been felt by others.
Concerning drugs: drugs and alcohol, as had been parroted by every PSA, act as a crutch, but I feel this is only stating the obvious (after all, is prescription medication anything other than a more socially acceptable crutch?). Although, I do not consider weed to be a hard drug, and as such, would not advise getting too hung up over smoking it, I would advise that any substance used to ‘get you through the day’ or to ‘take the edge off’ can be dangerous; even if it is not a life threatening kind of danger, and even if it is not habit-forming, it can be dangerous in the sense that if you do not take your regularly scheduled amount, then you find yourself unable to function (hence, the crutch concept) and when this happens a part of what you need to do is impacted (to give an example, if you are a doctoral candidate, for instance, and are subject to work heavy days, but albeit ones in which you use a substance—weed, caffeine, whatever—to get you by, and then a day comes along where you don’t have that substance, and are subsequently only able to complete a fraction of your daily routine, then a single day may not mean much, but several days, a week, a year… that will add up and cause damage. Clearly, this causes issues, especially if it is a substance like alcohol which renders you useless for truly damaging amounts of time (consider, the time spent drinking as well as the hangover recovery). Such things can help you past a hard spot but just be extremely careful on how you use the substances; addiction, after all, creeps up on you.
In any case, it is good to hear that things went well with your coming out to your sister. Though in the future, I would not recommend coming out while in a moving vehicle since, depending on the person, that may be a prime away to critically injure or wound yourself should their reaction be shitty. My mother told me father when I came out, so I was spared from that, and I came out in the kitchen, as opposed to a moving car, so mine was different… anyways, something to keep in mind for the future, though I do understand that sometimes you just have to go with that opportunity when it comes up and throw caution to the wind.
About your coming out in the GSA: I would not worry about whether you will have another chance; if Shane attends future meetings, it may be referenced that you are gay or it may, depending on the kids, be ‘leaked’ that you are gay and Shane will subsequently hear about it via the grapevine. Even if it seems like neither of those things happen, you could always ask another one of the die-hards to casually mention your sexuality during a meeting which Shane attends so he hears about it then; sometimes, we have to take our future into our own hands and produce that spontaneous moment (you know, like in a romantic comedy).
With Shane: first off, don’t overwork yourself about senior prom. Would it be amazing to go with your crush? Of course! But don’t rush things and destroy your chance at going because you are afraid you will miss your opportunity; if you miss the chance to go with Shane during the senior prom (assuming he is gay or bi and has an interest in you), you can always try and attend an alternative Queer prom which are usually held by Queer youth groups, or, failing that, you and Shane can always hold your own private ‘prom’ and make a romantic evening of it (dancing, a nice meal, cuddling and a movie; or maybe a nice night out on the town).
Secondly, you are pushing yourself too hard. Clearly, you understand this, it is not news to you. From what you have described, will you be able to pull things around and pass your courses? It is not impossible but maybe you won’t… if this latter scenario is what transpires then, you know what? It is fine. A bad semester is not the end of the world. Josh, I really do understand underperforming and not doing your best in your classes due to mental aberrations; last semester I only took one advanced English course, the semester before that, two courses, before that, two again; I will not be graduating on time. And yet I do not fret: recovering from an episode, of which I experienced a severe one last year, takes time and you cannot rush or blame yourself when you are fighting through it and picking up the pieces; yeah, you are not going to get into an Ivy League college, but neither did I, though I think I could have attend if I had placed in the effort. But that is exactly the thing: I didn’t put in the effort because I didn’t want to and that is hardly the end of the world. It is the same with you over a few bad semesters or one really bad one. You do your best and attempt to become better, but this is impaired by illness and as such, you shouldn’t expect yourself to be a miracle worker: sometimes grades suffer as a result of illness, mental or otherwise, it is a part of life. (I can’t even count the times I have procrastinated on an essay or simply didn’t do something because I just ‘wasn’t feeling it’) I think it is amazing you are fighting your school’s absurd policy, especially at an institution as wicked as a charter school, but you should pace yourself and understand something is going to give eventually and with everything you have on your plate—Shane, future, bigotry, classwork, legality—you are doing far from nothing; you are busy and should give yourself some slack as a result, even if your teachers are not prepared to do the same.
I cannot inform you of your life path. I am still discovering my own, like an explorer cutting his way through a mysterious jungle. But isn’t that part of the fun, fear of leopard attacks and all? Maybe, maybe not. I will try my best to advise, however.
(1) The Marine Corps. Will enlisting bring you happiness? Will it give you definition? You said that you would like to write to Shane if you enlist—if you don’t get Shane, and are alone, will you still enlist? Further, why enlist if you get Shane? Why would you want to leave your partner for months while you train: job security, an education… maybe, but do you think that would be the best path for a new couple? Even if you hold off on enlisting, the same issue arises: how would Shane feel of you enlisting? While enlisted, will you be able to endure the psychological condition and if not, call the effort off once it becomes apparent; is the Marines, in other words, really the place where you have invested your future, or is there something more underneath which you think is unattainable and simply believe the Marines to be the best second option? Gives these things a careful consideration (2) University: college life is far from a peachy moment in a young person’s journey. Despite what all the sentimental films and articles say, college life can be as demanding and alienating as it is liberating. But, this being said, it is a place where those who want to pursue a deeper understanding of the knowledge can do so, and potentially make a living doing so while contributing to a field and producing new knowledge. You can meet people who look at the world as you do, people who may help you to explain how they see the world in relation to your shared interests; you say philosophy hasn’t so far given you the rosy glasses to see the world—of course it hasn’t, but alongside like-minded individuals and professors to encourage you every step of the way? (3) point [1] and [2] appear to be the binary you have set up for yourself: there is a third-way, however, and that is learning a trade, a specific skill which you then ply in order to make a living; this could be a decent alternative to the military and university, as it would generate minimal debt while potentially giving you a income without taking you away from your partner. (4) I feel it is important you make things known to Shane. I know full well that the heart wants what the heart wants, but you will never be able to plan for your future if the ‘Shane Variable’ is not found. I will not attempt to list out ways to solve this, but I think the GSA and devising a sort of situation in which your sexuality is known, may be worth looking into as it is a small step in the right direction (your sexuality becoming known). Though I will leave the details to you and whether that is something you want to do right now. (5) Other than resolving the Shane variable, what needs to be figured out is your classwork: ask yourself whether you can turn your failing around and whether you want to, if you can just take something next semester. On whatever you decide to simply let fall to the wayside, let it go and don’t feel guilty about it. Nothing is gained from beating yourself. Try and release as much of your stressors as you can. Plan for next semester and try again then. I would not recommend dropping out with you being so close to graduation, but if you feel night school would be better suited, then I would hardly begrudge you for doing so (after all, sometimes a dramatic change is needed to better secure happiness). Sort out what you can and are willing to change from those bits which you can focus on another time. Take your future from there as you sift out the Shane variable and what the issue is on that front. (6) If there is anything I have learned in my time, it is this: there is no magic elixir which will fix all your problems, no option which will satisfy everything. You have to focus one thing at a time, evaluate, decide on a course of action, carry out that action, then move forward onto the next issue; the trick is to not become overwhelmed by things (harder said than done, I know) and understand that some things you simply have to let go.
Okay, well, that is all I have to say at the moment; if anything was unclear and you want me to expand, just say so, or if you would like me to further comment on a specific aspect, just let me know. I hope something I said helped; as always, it is no trouble to me to speak my thoughts. Comment anytime 🙂
Hey… I wanted to let you know that I am, and have been, thinking deeply about what you’ve said. I am trying to give myself time to think and determine what to say, and when to respond more fully to you. In the mean time, however, I have been trying to forward action on my part. There have been many thing which have gone on since I posted my last message (there almost always are a myriad of random events happening to me now, even in a single week things end up flying along a roller-coaster of emotion, good and bad, getting hit with left and right swings with no break in between). Most of them have been issues and conflicts between myself and school administration, and a few rotten-egg teachers, for lack of a better adjective which avoids vernacular vulgarity. Not that I care too much about delving into vernacular, I just try to hold back and not let it slip, formality I have noticed expresses ideas more effectively to an engaged and educated audience, namely you in this case, and the many others who may have been — and still are — tracking my story thus far in this blog/discussion/forum, and I am glad if my words and experiences offer others a source to relate to.
My relationship with Shane has been my biggest goal recently. We’ve been texting each other to no end nearly every night for the past couple weeks, just talking about everything. I am not sure, but, prom may be this next weekend, and I want to be cautious and courteous when trying to ease to him the question of ‘Shane… would you like to go to prom with me?’ followed by my inevitable wincing inhale, for what will probably seem like an eternity of waiting for his response… Wow… even the thought of how that scenario may go this week… it gets my mind racing at the same time numbing it with the comfort that I expect to have with however he may answer me, if it were ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ or even, ‘I don’t know, Josh.’ You, TGU (Out of all of the time I have spent reading your blogs and posts, I still am not sure of your name; you -may- have mentioned it somewhere, but it just escapes me right now), know the answer that I would like to hear from him… but, even if I am over confident, I feel that we would remain close friends no matter what he says. I cannot be certain about how he will feel towards me, -if- and -after- I were to ask him; for all I know, he could hate my guts and despise me if I were to ask him, and that would devastate me… more than I would care to describe any more than I may have already alluded to in previous posts.
Beyond my concern over my relationship between myself and Shane: if he were to say ‘yes,’ and we were to go… I don’t know how things would go down in regard to the entire thing, during and after. I will explain. (1) I do not know how I might get there, since I have no means of my own transportation (no money was available for me to go for getting a driver’s license, nor was the necessary transportation for getting back and forth to the lessons required; besides that there would be no money for me to have gotten a vehicle of my own, and no influx of money for gasoline; and there would have been no support from my family for me to use one of the already available vehicles without explicit explanation of what I was doing with it, where I was going, and why), I am not sure If I would walk there ahead of time in my only 15 dollar grey suit and only pair of shoes (namely, worn black boots), or if I would ride my bicycle all the way there in travel clothes and change when I got there (the location for prom will likely be any-wheres from 15 to 30 minutes by-car away from where I live), or if I would ask for Shane to meet me and pick me up some place away from home, or some other close friend to pick me up and take me. If I were to do the unthinkable — come out as gay to my dad, and tell him I needed transportation to prom to be with my male partner in less than 6 days — and he were to do the impossible, and be entirely okay with that… I don’t know how I would feel, nor would I even be able the consider the horrible consequences coming out to my dad would have, I know that aunt and uncle (who my father and I live with, since we lost our own home) would also be vehemently and vocally against me. (2) Similar to my last sentence, if I were to make it to prom, and myself and Shane were to be openly out and about as a couple for prom, I have no clue how that would go… my school has direct policy which forbids females from wearing suits at formal dances, and also forbids same-sex couples from going to formal dances. There have been two cases of two separate female couples and one case of a male couple being asked to leave by students, parents of students, and even school administrators at school dances. I think each those were on different events, the earliest going as far back as I think 7 years ago. Besides the immediate response to a gay couple going to prom, there is the lingering response to it by my fellow students and teachers, as well as administrator would hold; and… if things got around far enough, word probably would get back to my dad, aunt, and uncle, even if they had no clue that I had gone to prom, or that I was going with a guy, or that I was gay. Next to consider, is how exactly the student body would look to me, I know that only roughly 1 or 2 percent of the entire Junior and Senior class (adding up to roughly 160 combined juniors and seniors, of which like 8-12 know) know that I am a member of GSA; four close fellow students, and one dearly trusted teacher, know that I am homosexual. There are many students who I know would be openly critical, rude, violent, demeaning, and distancing to me once they knew, and word would easily spread like wildfire around the entire school body on the high-school/middle-school campus; for all I know, an eighth grader would spot me on campus and call me ‘fag’ as he or she passed by me; or the already established as ‘bigoted assholes’ football team would think it funny to do sophomoric actions such as posting shit around school, or even getting physical about things. I have no clue how it would go, but I can only conclude that it would be bad…
(3) This next bit requires its own separation of thought. As I have expressed earlier, Shane will be staying in high school for one more year after I (if I) graduate. I know that I am a very stubborn, defensive, vocal, political, and — if necessary, and provoked, — violent individual (from a lifetime of conflict with past schools and physical violence in my family, it has imbedded itself in my character. I have tried to redirect that violence productively in the form of debate, speech, discourse, and an unrelenting desire to fight what is wrong and defend what is right, in any way that I can). If anything were to happen on campus in regards to discrimination against ANYONE, I would be by the victim’s side in stout defense. If Shane were to be targeted, as he already has been outside of my influence in cases where some of the sports teams have openly mocked him for being on the cheer-leading team, along with Clay, another friend who I mentioned a while back. It took place in the form of them openly shouting ‘faggot(s)’ from across the field in their unfounded hatred and disgust at my friends. If I had been there to witness that when it occurred earlier in the year… I don’t know what I would have done, to be perfectly honest, it would have started with me running over to them shouting obscenities and demanding from them to step out at me… and I am not sure how it would have ended, since I am merely speculating at what I -would- have done -if- I was there for that one incident in the past, and trying to use that as speculation for what I might do in the face of future persecution. My point is… once I were to leave, if myself and Shane had been openly noticed as gay, (or, possibly bisexual in his case, since… I still don’t know, and this is all still a series of speculation on my part of what -might- happen), I would not be there to stand up for him if the school as a whole became aggressive and outset towards him. I fear that might happen… I know that I can try my best, and take care of myself if anyone were to try and mock me, or become violent towards me… but I don’t know how Shane would be. He is very shy, and passionate towards things, and often just leaves conflict alone, and takes whatever kind of bullshit people give him, where I would have been all over someone who might have done wrong to him. I come from a violent childhood, and, since I have established myself here at this school as someone who does not take jokes of ill-taste lightly, I have often found myself detached from the realm of being-bullied which I see and hear so much about through the grapevine… and that which I suspect and never notice. I just worry. I worry that I might hurt Shane, one way or another, to one extreme or the other… I want to make sure that any of these great decisions which rapidly approach me are well thought out, and that I establish some kind of plan of action if things were to go wrong. I admit, that… I almost want to finally catch some of the discrimination in my school in its true and fully manifested form, so that I can finally press against it through legal means and attain change in this sad excuse of a ‘safe environment for higher learning’ that is my school.
Now that I see I have failed to keep this as short as I desired going into this update on my situation and mode of thought, I do not regret it. I said much that needed to be said, and that I desire serious help and advice on… If prom truly is this upcoming weekend… then I have much to consider in regards to what I am to do, and how to carry it out. I want change in my life, I want more progress to be made in my journey towards complete openness and acceptance in my school so that it may be enjoyed by all I will soon leave behind, to then also hopefully enjoy that same openness and acceptance at wherever I will find myself after high school… to that subject I am still torn, and which I am still considering how I might respond to you with more thought and crafting going into my words than what I would presently be able to muster.
Oh, and before I forget to mention it to you, I was able to get a copy of ‘Jude the Obscure.’ After I mentioned that I was looking for a copy, my english teacher was kind and generous enough to gift to me a copy. I have only had time to read 30 or so pages into it — since, as demonstrated, I have much on my mind — but it has been a very enjoyable read. I have read Thomas Hardy in the past, namely his ‘The Mayor of Casterbridge;’ however, that novel had given me a very ‘meh’ experience. Thus far I have sincerely found Jude the Obscure much more compelling in its message and more difficult to put down. I greatly appreciate the recommendation!
I await whatever you may to have to say; and, please, if you have any questions, no matter how personal, I encourage you to ask them, I will willingly inform you of anything — that I am physically able to — which you wish to know, thank you.
Hi,
I think I’ve read over your article about a million times over the past month. Just last year I came in terms with my sexuality and came out to 10 of the closest friends (who are all girls). A year later now in my Junior year of high school, they’re still the only people that know. Basically all my friends are girls and I’m super open with them and we talk about guys a lot. Originally when I realized that I was gay I was pretty certain that I would just wait until college to be in a relationship and really explore everything fun with being gay. But lately, I’ve really been wanting companionship with another gay guy, even if we were just friends. It’s nice that most of my friends are girls so I feel like I could be more open than with guy friends, but I still feel so lonely without someone else like me. My high school is only about 600 people and out of everyone there’s only 2 gay guys that I know (and I’m one of them). The other guy already has a boyfriend but he’s a senior and I have no desire to be with him. The GSA club also pretty small: the 2 gay guys in the entire school and a bunch of freshman girls. I sometimes regret going to my school because I feel like it’s so undiverse. I’ve been fortunate enough to be put in a place where my family is really accepting, my environment is really accepting, and so is my school. I feel like my life is so boring right now and my life is no different than if I were straight. I’ve never had a boyfriend, had a first kiss, had any gay friends or done anything to embrace my sexuality. I feel like the doors are wide open for me based on my surroundings to actually seek another gay guy but I don’t know how. At this point I’ve kind of given up on my school, but there is another high school within 5 minutes walking distance that a lot of people from my school go to and have a lot of friends/relationships with people there.The other gay guy’s boyfriend is from that school too and I have no idea how he met him. I really want to try to find someone from that school because it’s basically my last option other than holding back 2 years until college. But I’m super confused how to even talk to people from a different school in the first place. Do I just walk on campus, find mutual friends, or add them on instagram/facebook and reach out to them there? I know 2 gay guys at that school’s facebooks so would I be weird if I talked to them there even though they don’t really know me? They’re both publicly out and looking at their feeds they’ve been on dates, have gone to gay pride, etc and seem to have so much fun embracing their sexuality while I’m here just hoping to find one other gay guy. It seems as if those guys have a lot of friends from my school too but they’re all seniors that I only sort of know. Would it be too weird to ask any of them about the guys at the other school or how I could meet them or join them?
Also on another note, I live half an hour away from where I actually go to school, so would that be a problem if I met someone close to my school. I don’t have a drivers license yet and it would seem difficult to actual meet up on weekends
With much love <3,
Sav
Hi Sav, apologies for the late response, I was on break and lacked an internet connection.
Your situation reminds me a lot of myself in that you are stuck between a rock and a no-place; at least with a hard place you are able to combat it in some manner, but a ‘no-place’ is, well, as easy to fight as a ghost with silverware. Meaning, in other words, that you are feeling the difficulty of real world connection when you lack resources to make said connections in the first place.
When I was first coming to terms with my sexuality and wanted a partner more than anything else, I decided early on that I would come out to my parents sooner rather than later; this was, in all honesty, for practical reasons– I lacked the resources to find a partner on my own and needed their help. I figured that it would be easier to just be honest with them rather than make-up elaborate lies about why I wanted to attend this function or that. I’m not suggesting that you come out to your parents in a bid to garner resources, not if your situation is improper, but just that I can sympathise with your situation since back then I couldn’t drive either and had to rely on my parents. This being said, though, it does mean you have to be resourceful with what you do have and plan accordingly.
I feel your pain, Sav, a small school is a special kind of torment, especially when the GSA is comprised mostly of girls: it is just a tease– you think you will find everything you ever wanted, only to discover that it is less ‘fire island’ and more ‘monster truck rally;’ this is many a person’s experiences, however, so don’t get disheartened because it wasn’t what you expected. Same with the other out guys at your school; high school is really a hit or miss affair; you either have an awesome time or a shitty time, but sometimes there is those gray moments where you can glimpse the amazing time
but not quite grasp it. This is because people are still discovering themselves (remember, that for every tantric sexual story about experimentation and casual encounters, there are a dozen lonely missed connections), so you shouldn’t be hard on yourself just because those who are available aren’t to your liking; college is, after all, the time where that small sliver of freedom makes all the difference.
Since your school is 30mins away, if you met someone close to your school the relationship would, by necessity, be one of patience; you would need to find someone who has the ability to come over to your place, or host, and that does not mind with periods of not seeing you (since you two would be separate and subject to only see each other with parental consent, you should expect long periods of not seeing your partner). Additionally, this would be further compounded via parental concern– two long lovers alone is hardly what most parents savour, so you can expect a degree of monitoring. The sort of person who would be okay with this arrangement is someone who would be, more or less, either infatuated with you or as desperate for a relationship; either case presents trouble as such tends to be dysfunctional (obsession is pure passion and tends to take violent turns when the fantasy doesn’t measure up to reality, while desperation is blind, and throws the seeker into contact with unhealthy people). Should you find a partner, and I must be honest and think it is not very likely simply due to the area you described, there would be many pitfalls to circumnavigate. My first relationship was with a young man who I met at a Queer youth gathering about 45mins away (by car, hence the need for parental help). At first, the relationship was great but the distance between us placed a strong pressure on how we interacted: we could only meet either at the youth group or during parentally approved meetings. Eventually, things took its toll; after a while I noticed that I simply wasn’t attracted to him, in the same way, I had been; I realized that our fit of passion was exactly that, passion and once it wore off, the distance and hoops we had to jump through make the relationship untenable. We broke up. I still care for him but I had to admit I wanted a relationship for the sake of having a relationship. I tell you this because it is important to understand sometimes what we want, is simply desire for something else, and before you put in the effort, you should carefully scrutinize whether it is truly what you want, or if you want something else.
In terms of actually finding said guy, however, I think a bold approach is needed. In situations like yours, where you aren’t mobile, young, and dependent on parents (something which, depressingly enough, changes little as you get older), you need to be willing to really put yourself out there. I would endorse socializing on other high schools’ social networking sites, the places where the students themselves hang out; moreover, I would attend any sort of event or outing hosted by the school in which you think offers a chance at meeting other people. Obviously, this is a time-sink and offers only dubious returns since, as I know from experience, it takes more than simply showing up somewhere in order to meet others, let alone find a partner.The minutia of how to contact others I am afraid I cannot help much with as socializing was never my strong suit (I always relied on hook-up sites and classes, as well as my own intuition, to find people; making first contact wasn’t something I relished), but no, I would not see it as inappropriate to search other schools. I would suggest directly asking the guy who found his partner at the other school how he managed it; of course, phrase it in whatever mask you need to in order to protect your privacy, but grilling people on their own encounters is what I have found to be the best way to sharpen my own encounters.
Keep aware of what these other school kids post on FB and other social networking sites, reach out, start making connections and put some feelers out there; the worst that can happen is you become labeled some weirdo who fraternizes with another school. Play it cool and keep it simple; stick to the truth and just say, if asked, that you are looking to expand your social circle since your own school is so small… that shouldn’t be an issue. Just keep your eyes open and be willing to jump through a few hoops if you are serious about making new friends and finding a partner; heavens know I had to both walk exhausting distances and kill exorbitant amounts of time in order to make any headway in this arena– in sum, you have to put in the effort. Is it worth it? I would say yes, but it is worth the effort.
Despite all my criticisms of university, I would recommend attending, if you can afford it, a large university so as to meet as many people as possible. Additionally, I would caution about your efforts; for instance, if you find a local guy, but then attend university, was the effort you put into the search in vain? Long distance relationship, break-up? Some things to keep in mind when looking since there is a future and that future will affect what you do now.
Well, I hope you got something out of that ramble. If at times it sounded a bit tart and sharp, please know I wasn’t intending it in a hostile manner. If you want any points expounded upon feel free to comment 🙂
-Sincerely,
TGU
This is a little late for this article, but in my situation I go to an all boys catholic school so I’m not sure if there are any tips there. Or any differences.
Hello Ben,
No worries about commenting a bit late, as I see everything that gets posted and so feel every post on this blog is up for perpetual discussion. As you can see, there are many other commentators who commented late as well, so you shouldn’t feel like you are crashing the party.
As for your situation, however, I would say that the difference with you is that since the High School is both affiliated under religious codes as well as all boys, then the homophobia and sexual policing by peers is more intense. Likewise, it will likely be harder to organize anything in relation to gay-straight alliances due to the religious charter. Clearly, your situation is more arduous than what would be preferable. I think in general though that many of the same conventions apply in regards to finding a partner, hookups, and the like, only you have to be more dedicated and have more patience than you would in a secular, public school. As to specific tips, however, I am afraid nothing comes to find as that particular experience I have had no encounter with, nor have any of my associates had the encounter; I suppose I can say the obvious, avoid stepping on toes and camouflage organizing and rationale under religious conduct, after all, it is hardly a stretch to argue that the Bible affirms homosexuality (whatever fundamentalist bigots attempt to argue otherwise); taking this path, you at least have recourse in the very likely case you face opposition. Even in a highly religious setting, there are progressives open to alternative readings to the reactionary tripe put out by the Right-Wing. Find these allies and argue for inclusion and diversity; the Bible, after all, is something more than a White Supremacist, heterosexist text.
Beyond that, though, I don’t have much to help you with– sorry!
-Sincerely,
TGU
hey my names Zachary and i am gay but don’t like telling people but i don’t know if people do know i’m gay because i have never met some one who is like me so if you could help me.
Heya Zachary!
It is all right not liking to tell people your sexuality; you never know how they will react and what the consequences will be, so it is natural to want to just avoid it all together. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do something which makes you uncomfortable. However, this being said, if you do not tell anyone, and you have none of the stereotypical traits which people see as associated with homosexuality (re: a feminine body type), then people likely are not suspecting you are gay, not unless you have given some subtle hints which have been circulating in erroneous circles. But this is the heart of your question, is it not? You are having a hard time understanding if you have been unconsciously giving off these hints which are ticking people off to your sexual orientation.
To answer this, I would, as I mentioned previously, look at yourself and your actions. Ask yourself what people associate with homosexuality, do you display any of those associations? Some common ones are (1) A high tonal voice (the gay accent, in laymen’s terms); (2) a feminine bodily predisposition, wearing clothes and mannerisms which are “out of sync” with the typical heterosexual male; (3) the wearing of purses and/or cross-dressing (this is actually a specific identity, but many still associate it with homosexuality); (4) more male friends then female friends and a lack of what others perceive as opposite-sex romantic interests; more specifically, the overt rejection of an interest in dating. I think there is more to this list, but this is a good start. Ask yourself if you fit any of these tropes and simply go down the list answering them. If you find that you are constantly answering yes, then people likely have assumed you to be gay; if, on the other hand, you find yourself repeatedly saying ‘no’ while whispering to yourself, ‘I am just like all the other guys my age, except for my sexuality’, then I doubt anyone suspects you of being gay.
But you know, there are many “types” of gay people, just like there are many “types” of heterosexual people. I only provided the list of clichés because it is a place to start when you literally have no starting point. Contrary to what some may say, there is no homogeneous gay identity. Homosexuals come in every shape, size, race and ethnicity, creed and religion, culture and sub-culture, gender and sex, nationality and body build; there isn’t such a thing as a single typed gay person. I say this because even when you do find that person, they may very likely be the polar opposite of you and hence, not an accurate depiction of what a gay guy is because we are all different types. Trust me on this buddy: the gay guy you are searching for in order to compare yourself toward, already exists, and is simply hidden because he is closeted. My advice? Don’t place too much hope in comparing yourself to others in order to find that ideal image.
–Sincerely,
Hey, my name is Joshua; just so that there is something more personal than my alias to go by. I truly do not know where to start, but I guess that I can begin by telling you all what I think I know about myself. Know that I hold no certainty about any aspect of my life presently… I do not know how to describe all that has gone on in my life, and I do not know how long this post will take; All that I do know is that I want to share what I can, with a community that I truly hope will be there for a troubled soul.
I will start by going as far back as to recall back to the time when I still lived in New York. It had been in sixth grade (or perhaps seventh) when I had my first ‘experience’ with another person. His name was Benjamin, but I knew him as Ben. We would spend much time with each other: wrestling, sparring, gaming, and resting in deep in the woods behind his house. From time to time we would look at porn together on his parents’ laptop, or on my own desktop whenever we by chance found ourselves there. We would just watch, look up things with the request of the other, but it was almost always heterosexual pornography, more than likely because that was all that we actually knew, or at least partially understood. One time, when the two of us where sleeping in a bunk bed, I moved into the lower bunk with him to talk, and, I still do not quite recall how exactly, but we got into conversation about masturbation. I’ll make it brief: the both of us wondered how the other had done it, so I showed him how, and he showed me. We lied by each other the rest of the night, simply looking directly up at the base of bunk in which I was supposed to be sleeping. From there we remained very dear friends for many months, but one day his parents discovered pornography on their laptops’ history. Both of our parents did not want us to talk anymore, and the relationship between us soured. I do not know how, or why, but it did.
Half way through my seventh grade year my family moved to North Carolina to settle the estate of a passed family member; and not long after I had gotten settled, I turned 13 years old. I switched schools twice, I kept getting into fights with other students and had bad relations with the teachers and staff. I was angry that my parents divorced upon reaching the state. I was left with my father while my mother went back to New York to marry. After the summer of 2011 I switched to the school which I am still currently enrolled. Many years passed, my grades were rough, but passing, and I spent time hanging around a few girls now and then, but never found the desire to pursue anyone, perhaps since I myself did not feel desired by anyone, or at least that is what I can recall having experienced. It was not until my tenth grade year that I had truly began making close friends, and all of them were male. I never had any luck with the girls in my grade, I just felt no attraction, no desire to truly get to know any of them better, I was mainly scared. My only explanation to myself that I can muster as I type these words is this: I think that I did not want to know any woman, I hated my mom for what she did, and the only woman who I truly ever felt close to as family was my sister, Danielle, who stayed in New York since she was much older than I and had her life already established. I felt that if I tried to love a woman, or anyone for that matter, that I would only end up having my heart crushed.
My junior year of high school is when things changed, for better and worse. I was taking five advanced placement courses, and was the only junior among a class of four other seniors taking physics. I began the year eager, and anxious, but still lost on trying to find someone to get to know. The first trimester went by and things began to slip academically for me. I failed to finish essays on time, could not complete all of my calculus problems, spent hours reading physics problems over and over again, and found myself always arguing fiercely and passionately in my logic course, almost always on the opposite side of the majority, namely: southern, white, christian kids. When we began to debate the issue of gay marriage in class, I really began to question myself, directly, and not beat around the issue like I had done in my mind in the past. I had interests in some of my fellow students, ones who I truly had the chance to talk with and struggle along side of in my classes. Cody, Ben, William, Jonathan, Ryuki, Jared, Andrew, Stephan, and a few others filled my thoughts and always were the first I would go to whenever I wanted a serious discussion on life, and it was then that I had realized I had true friends. Only one thing had me troubled, Shane, the one who I had known since first arriving at the school, represented something different to me in my own reflection. At first I did not think it, but it became more and more apparent that he meant more to me than I could ascribe a word to. I thought that I loved him, but I did not know what to do, I had so much going on in my life: my failing grades, conflicts and fights with my father, getting laid off from my job outside of school, running away from home a few times, my sister her fiance having been caught in the middle of a home invasion… I did not know exactly what I thought, about anything, because I did not spend much time thinking about it. Shane was on my mind, I let my grades decline and I began to spend hours upon each day trying to find some truth in it all.
He I am now, in this present moment, still unable to answer these questions, writing this to you as a senior in high school. Over the summer I began to take account that I was not ‘straight,’ that my feelings were not restrained to only the opposite sex, I read many homosexual love stories, read all the the labels people of the internet associate with sexual preferences, and I could not be certain where I would be considered. I may be a bisexual, but yet I have had no relations with the opposite sex beyond very base friendship. I do not care about labels, especially now when all I can discover and know for certain is that I know nothing about the most principal thing in life: myself.
When this academic school year began I signed up for the speech and debate team. The year advanced only a handful of weeks and I found myself driving to the first competition of the year. When I got there I helped my fellow teammates prepare their select pieces in the chaos of the room that the staff had grouped the participants. When assisting Megan, my only close female friend, prepare her memorized speech as I coached her delivery I overheard conversation from Klay and Leslie, two juniors who I knew only superficially from previous run-ins. They were talking about how Klay had ‘come out’ to his mother about being gay. It was in that moment that I felt solace that I was not alone, and I envied Klay for his courage and for the certainty he held in his conviction. Later in the year I heard rumor that there were efforts (lead by Megan, to my own surprise) to start up a Gay-Straight Alliance which would hold its meetings in a volunteered classroom by a teacher who is supportive of the cause. The headmaster of the school, who I know very fondly due to some not so ‘calm’ clashes of opinion, shut down the club since “some parents sent in complaints as they did not like the term ‘gay’ being used in the efforts of GSA to reach out to the student body.” The area around the school being a highly Protestant Christian area, with several Catholic faculty members (including the headmaster), there exists obvious homophobia in the community.
I joined the cause in pushing for a overruling decision from the school board; presently the headmaster has redacted his decision to prevent the GSA from meeting on school grounds, and now only pushes for the name to be changed to ‘the acceptance club’ and for LGBT issues to ‘not take up the focus of the club.’ Knowing that I felt that my interests lie with the GSA’s own pursuits of understanding, learning, and acceptance, I was not going to miss my chance to try and become a part of a community which had only before existed in my heart, and in the confusion and chaos which still persists in my mind.
When I arrived to the first meeting I was shocked to see the amount of people whom I knew show up, a total of 30 from a high school student body (freshmen to senior) of 370.
But still I am afraid. I do not know what to say, or what I want to do with my life, high school only being a small step in that path. I want to let Shane know about my feelings towards him, but I have no clue if it is what he truly feels towards me… I have read many of the accounts other have experienced on this thread, and their respective replies. I know that I should come out as gay, or bisexual, since I know that I am not straight. Many students who I have come to work with I know believe I am straight, at least from what I can determine. In the long run I know that the bonding my senior class has gone through will result in acceptance and understanding if I were to make my feelings known, but it would not be the same. Even if I did, I don’t know what I should do with myself, I have been alone with no true ‘love interest’ at any time in my life; and with college applications, and knowing that past this step in life I will be alone once again, all that I have come to know in high school, all the friends, teachers, and Shane, will be gone. My chances for getting into a college out of state are slim, and North Carolina is no place for someone like me to try and survive. I have made a pact with myself proposing the ultimatum that if I do not get into a decent, livable college closer to the north, I would enlist in the marines.
I have had many conversations with Shane about life after high school, and have come to know his own plans. Since he had struggled in the previous year, as I had, failing too many courses to graduate on time, he chose to stay one more year in high school, rather than dropping out. If I can be certain that Shane feels something towards me, even a fraction of the love beyond platonic level, I would want to stay here with him, and go wherever life would take us, assuming the feeling was mutual, and the practicality of it attainable.
I have to face what I know about trying to make it alone, or even with someone else. If it is not possible, I need to think of Shane’s happiness as well as my own. Staying within social contact with my father (although he professes to leave for Florida once I finish high school and go off on my own) would leave me at the whim of more pain in my life with the anger he will hold against me, as he does not yet know how I feel, or if he has caught wind of it he has kept it hidden to himself, hoping I would change. Let alone, if anything were to come from Shane and I, making a living, trying to find a way to stay together, wherever either of us may go, I fear will cause more suffering to us both than good.
This is where I am pleading for a response from those who have read this far, and feel that they may have some words to put towards my situation. I do not want to lose Shane, even though there exists only dear friendship between us now. Maybe there can be something more, and if not, maybe with someone else, at some point in the future. But losing what I have now terrifies me. I have already lost so much: my childhood friends and family in New York, my mom, my old home; I don’t want to be so close to finally finding someone to love in this world, as I feel that I love nothing else in life, just to lose him, and with him the last of my hopes.
I’m very sorry for having taken up so much in this comment, I could find no where else to say what I needed to, I just hoped that there may be something, anything that might be said. I have never shared this with anyone before, this winter I will be telling my sister that I’m gay, or bi, or… I don’t know… that’s just it… I don’t know. Thank you… thank you to anyone who has read what I had to say. Valete.
Hey Joshua!
No problem about a lengthy post; sometimes we all need a non-limiting space to express ourselves: one cannot force an ocean into a fish-tank, after all.
From what you have said in regards to Ben, Shane, Megan, your father and mother, and relations, in general, it sounds like you are in emotional pain, a terrible condition perhaps akin to mental illness. Additionally, the fact that you are a late-teen, with hormones still leveling out, likely doesn’t help you in finding a state of Zen. From my own experiences from that age, I can testify to how difficult it was to concentrate on things as trivial as tests and school when it seemed as though the most important person my age at that time in my life (my crush) didn’t even know I adored him. As I have said in other responses and posts, it is not something able to be overcome in a day (alas, if only it were different!). Your path to ‘recovery’, so to speak, is going to be a tangled affair (as it is for many of us).
Your thoughts on labels is wise: many people invest too much faith in such identitarian politics. However, in your case I am thinking it may be of value to dig some into such labels; you seem very confused about all aspects of your life and I am musing that, if perhaps you had a label accurately representing your sexuality, then maybe you would feel less confused since you would have a definite answer to at least one part of your conundrum?
Specifically regarding your sexuality and your uncertainty, though, I would say you are either a Bisexual who favors men more than women or you could be pansexual. But before we go any further than that I do want to take a moment and mention that there is a difference between ‘sexuality’ and ‘romance’. The two are different: one can be asexual but still possess a romantic inclination (hence still able to participate in a monogamous relationship). So you should ask yourself this: “Do I desire a sexual relationship with men/women or do I want a romantic relationship?” You should do this for both sexes, weigh how you see yourself in relation to carnal activities and non-carnal activities. I posit that thinking about it this way will be a bit more beneficial than if you simply examine yourself from a “fluid exchange” position; there is so much more to human intimacy, after all, then how we mash our privates together.
I can sympathize with your hardships on your crush and whether to try for a college career. It is hard to say which you should go… either option is ‘hit or miss’ since both have opportunities and chances for things to go wrong; for instance, if you stay in high school another year, pending Shane’s feelings for you, then it may be possible to have a fulfilling relationship; however, if you find that the relationship just doesn’t work out then you are stuck in high school for another year (lame). University, on the other hand, has much in the same duality: if you are still in emotional pain when you leave then you risk repeating the same errors in college as you did in high school; while the consequences for doing so in college are much higher than in high school where you aren’t paying tens-of-thousands of dollars per year. And yet, university—especially if you attend a large university, offers an alternative hypothesis to Shane: maybe there is someone on campus who would make a suitable life-partner for you, perhaps an even better match than Shane could ever be (as hard as it may be to believe!). I know from a friend of mine that North Carolina is a tough post for us Gays; this is why I would recommend university sooner rather than later, because, despite my qualms with universities, there are the possibilities and opportunities for those who put in the effort (however competitive it may be). Concerning the financial matter, when you are in an in-state university that you can afford, remember that there are exchange-student programs where you will be charged the in-state tuition for whichever school you select to exchange to: consider keeping this program in mind; there are some cheap universities out there (such as mine, $7-9000 per semester) which are more “affordable” than those which charge twice that per semester (if not more). You will still have to apply for financial aid and take out students loans but if you are dedicated then it can be done (also keep in mind that you can apply for scholarships). Still, I can understand not wanting to leave the “Shane Question” unanswered; it is a terrible fate never knowing, is it not? (I know when I was overcoming my obsession, it seemed like the worst fate to never know what might have been). So with this understood, yes, I would recommend digging to the heart of your friend’s feelings toward you. This school year still has some meat to it but let’s remember time ticks by quickly and you have your future to consider: work on a plan of action, have some backup plans, and go for it (this is especially important when coming out: plan for the best but also the worst).
Life is about change and loss but it is also about stability and growth. You’re young, Joshua, these years are all about rapid change, tough decisions, and just simply ‘skipping-by’ without really knowing what you are doing; hate to say it but it will likely be like this until you get into your thirties: learning how to deal with life while finding your own thing, that takes patience and a great deal of courage. No one is saying that it is easy but it is necessary if you want, someday, to have a stable, happy life: this entails overcoming obstacles with friendship and love, discovering what you want to do with your life, and ‘roughing it’ when things get tough. There is no “correct” path in life, but there is also no dead-ends: it may seem like the end of the world when you don’t know your crush’s interest in you, but it is not—there will be others; there was for me, there will be for you as well.
Well, I don’t know if that helped any but churn it over and sleep on it and if you want me to expand upon any facet of what I have said, don’t hesitate to comment!
Sincerely,
TGU
Thank you for the speedy reply.
Regarding the question you posed, on my inclination to either a sexual or romantic relation with someone, I have only pieces of an answer. A relationship based on simply pleasures of the flesh, of sex alone, would be only part of my desire. I will answer your question by means of an array with respect to male, female, romantic, and sexual constraints. Would I want a sexual relationship with a woman? Yes. A sexual relationship with a man? Yes. A romantic relationship with a woman? Yes. A romantic relationship with a man? Yes.
This would seem to be the view of a pan-sexual individual, but my answers I self restrained to be only binary in their composition. Do I care about gender when considering a partner, sexual or romantic? This is my problem. I find that I prioritize a romantic relationship, first, over a sexual one. Sexual pleasures can be a resultant of romantic involvement, not the other way around. If there were an individual who I was in a loving, fulfilling, romantic relationship with, would I want to be sexually involved? Yes, or at least, I presume that I would; to address the asexual possibility, I find the vertex here, once I have a romantic relationship, would I want to take it further? Would that make better, worsen, or indifferently affect how I perceived my partner? My ignorance persists in that question. I have never had a romantic relationship, and, consequently, I would not know what I would do until I had the chance to feel actual commitment to another person. I want to feel this, as I have seen it described in books, films, and even comments here on this page: ‘true love.’ If such a thing can even exist.
I understand from having seen my mother and father fight growing up, that whatever ‘love’ they had felt when they got married, must have been one of two things: True love at first, which changed into being something lesser and no longer love, but rather a social construct and habitual feelings; or, it was not true love to begin with, that such a thing cannot exist, or, if when we a humans think we feel it, the perception of having thought that the feeling was true love, fall short of ideal.
I do not want to fall prey to a false dilemma, at any point in this dialogue with myself, but I do not know all that there may be in a spectrum between points. Bringing back the question of my feeling by categorization of gender, I hold a predisposition against the ideals. I am filled with sorrow, and pain from my mom having left, and having never been involved with a girl, I can only resort to those feelings when I question myself on whether I would want to be with a woman. Sexually? Perhaps, but as I said earlier: romantic over sexual; and if I am scared of what a romantic relationship may become if it falls short of being ‘true’ in mutual feeling, then I would be biased against a romantic relationship with a woman. Following this to what I know about my experiences with men. My dad and I fight often, we do not see eye to eye on any issue: politics, religion (or lack there of), and choice. Physical altercations have happened in the past, resulting in a few of the aforementioned departures from home; and at that point in my life, roughly two to three years ago, I felt like everything, everyone, was not for me. As time went on, and as I mentioned in my previous comment, I met others, namely men, who I did not fight with. People whom I felt comfortable enough to have confounded friendship in them. I find there to be nothing wrong with sexual relations between members of the same sex. Having read many works, ancient to modern, regarding homosexual accounts I would feel daring enough to say that I even envy the idea of love not for simply biological means, but post-platonic feelings for someone who just so happens to be of the same gender. So, would I want to be romantically involved with a man? Yes. Sexually? Yes, of course, with romantic conviction preceding sexual, ideally.
I may agree with you with the evaluation of myself being bisexual in favor of my own gender, male. I have come to understand that it is only (or at least primarily) due to the actions of my mother which have led me to feel hesitant in searching for love with the opposite sex; and that this is not a sound justification to state that I am homosexual, just because of something that happened in the past. Thus, I am open, open to whatever may present the ideal of ‘true love’ in the greatest form whenever it may happen.
The present, however, is where I exist. Not future, nor past.
Shane, I know, is not all that there will be in life. And, yes, I… hope that some time this year I can find the courage to ask him how he feels about me. We share many views, a positive outlook and understanding of homosexuality among them. All that I care about is whether he would feel the same towards me. Shane does not have a girlfriend, but I do not want to intrude if he himself has a crush on another, which I do not know if he does or does not. No one knows that I hold favor to the same sex, at least, to a small degree of certainty in my own mind. Megan, although I am not sure, may have picked up on my devout friendship to her, but I know not to push for anything of something past friendship since I know she has her eye on another one of my good friends, Ryuki. They are both amazing people, and honestly, they both have caught the attention of my lust at one point or another in the depths of my thought. But I do not want to ruin the feelings they have for one another by asserting my own. Besides, I feel closer to Shane than any other.
And, perhaps I may have misprinted in my first comment about my own plans after this year, I would not be surprised as I was quite frantic in my thought while I wrote it. Shane plans to stay another year, not only because he must to receive his high school diploma, but because he wishes to continue pursuing his dreams in creative writing and poetry. I, on the other hand, will be graduating on time, and plan to. What I had said, or intended to say, rather, was that if something more comes from our friendship… if what I say to him about how I feel results in us being… together, I would want to graduate, find some place to call my own, and take a year break between high school and college as I started to make progress in what I want to do in life. I would find a decent job (I have already been offered an intern teaching position by my sophomore year math teacher at the new school he now is employed, the math program there is in desperate need), and maintain my relationship with Shane. It is truly a stretch, and much wishful thinking, but it is my plan, or at least, one of them. From there we would do whatever may come about: attend the same college, attend nearby colleges and stay in a relationship; or… maybe if things did not work out, and if we had to become only friends once more, we would move on with our own pursuits and stay in touch.
All of it rests on my action this year. That is as far as I am trying to let myself think. I just need to be sure to be careful, not to hurt our friendship just because I want something more.
I appreciate what you have said, and look forward to what you will have to say ‘ad appendum’ to this. Maybe, if you think it wise, I will keep you up to date on how things go, and my thoughts as they develop… What is said, and what I feel to say back. Taking moments like these to put my thoughts into words, even if they do not paint the whole of the picture that is my Jackson Pollock of feelings, it is the effort from which I derive comfort. Thank you, for whatever may come of this in the the near future, and distant present.
Hey again Joshua!
From your account, you seem to have more inclinations toward men than women, and so because of that, I would not recommend worrying yourself over women at the present moment; focus on guys: since you say you feel more comfortable around them and have been able to form bonds with them, males should be an easier entry point into what would be a lasting relationship. Women can come later after you have had a moment to clear your head, re-shape yourself, and figure some things out. Straddling the divide between genders in this fashion, where you essentially ‘divide and conquer’ your inhibitions, is I think the most direct route to figuring out your gender dilemma when selecting a partner.
I honestly doubt that ‘true love’ exists. Most of human history tells a different tale, especially in regards to marriage [1], where such ceremonies were used to strengthen ties between kingdoms and communities [2]. What we presently call true love is a recent invention promulgated in no small part by authors and large corporations; people fall ‘in’ and ‘out’ of love; you’ve seen this with your parents as I have with my own. It’s just a natural facet of life. Because of this, however, I would take a very proactive stance in regards to relationships: understand that it is better to think of things as ‘long-term’ instead of ‘for life’, consider open relationships and the like (this is, at any rate, a different conversation). This is not incompatible with your own romantic and sexual aspirations. True love, accordingly, should be thought have in the plural, not singular.
Regarding Shane… ask him if he has a girlfriend or if he has eyes for any girl. You know you are not going to get anywhere with him until you know this: I know with certain friends it is a bit awkward to ask if they have feelings for someone but just pass it off as a light comment; it doesn’t have to be a melodramatic moment: as you get older, these are the sort of questions which should pop up frequently between your friends anyways: interpersonal relationships are a natural part of the human condition and whether they are used for companionship or procreation, a tell-tale sign of a friend is the occasional— some would even say mandatory—interest they take in caring about your love life. Once you know whether he has eyes on a girl you can take things from there.
I do not think there is anything wrong in taking some time off of school when you graduate. I took some time off when I was earning my high school education and I think it made me a better person for it; just because a lot of your friends may be heading off to college right after they graduate does not mean you have to as well, not if it does not suit you: take a year or two, find a job or take that internship, and settle for a bit. If you find that Shane does not have feelings for you, if he has eyes for a girl or simply doesn’t have feelings for you in return, then maybe head off to college right away. Point is, I think, that if Shane has feelings for you and you decide to follow through with your plan, then that is fine if you decide to take some time off anyways before entering university, which that too is fine; either way I think you will do well. But again—again—the first step is asking if Shane has some crush [3] on someone and developing a response to that.
Yes, if you want to keep me updated on your progress and general events, then feel free to comment in the future 🙂
[1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuKV2DI9-Jg
[2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZZ6QB5TSfk
[3] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88q8XDJKZVs
I’m a junior in high school and there is this guy in band with me. Lately he has been talking to me more and acknowledging me by saying my name when we walk past each other. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and I don’t think he ever has yet. He seems kinda straight and I don’t know what to do. I like him but I want to know if he like me too but I don’t know what to do.
Hey Lee!
Sounds like you are in a pickle… I hate pickles… rarely works out!
When you are in a situation like this you can only do the following: gradually guage the other’s opinion on gay sexuality.
This can take many forms; casual chatter, explicit talks on sex and ‘casual’ encounters, etc. The point it that you have to isolate this person from the general hetero-crowd. Make it know, in whatever way, that you are gay, and that you– perhaps– have a interest in him; this is vital– if I have learned anything in my last decade or so of life it is this, people do not pick up on your feelings if you sit there and obsess over them.
Take the initiative!
Start slow. Invite him over for a sleepover… talk a bit about men and women… discuss homosexuality.. the point is to slowly climb to a higher place so you can breach advanced options. This is a tricky situation and so I would recommend taking it very slow. In this regardI can say that gay themed movies will help a lot.
Sorry I cannot be of more help; I am trying to give an overview. If you need more in-depth information do not hesitate to ask!
-Sincerely,
TGU.
OK, thanks for the help.
Hi I am now going to highschool(first year) and I usually got picked on because some people say you can kind of tell I’m gay and I really want to find someone that I can love because I’ve been alone for such a long time and I want to see what love feels like. Do you know any specific tips that could help me?
Hiya!
Heya Baker!
First here in anything, whether it is university or high school, is never too pleasant; High school is a sort of hell in itself because all of the heterosexual guys slander us gay kids because they want to feel better about themselves; they are confused about their sexuality and associate homophobia with acceptance—tis the way in any hetero-patriarchal society. These bullies shouldn’t get to you. I know that is a tall order to demand if you put up with it day after day, but it is my thought process nonetheless.
In terms of the options you have in finding a partner, I could only say this: keep your eyes open. There is no easy solution to finding your prince charming. Do not believe the “Disney Dream” concept of life where everything will work out in the end. You have to put in effort but this is a kind of effort which you can’t rush. I know this sounds like a cruel joke but the best you will be able to do is withstand your peers awful “jokes” and live to see another day.
Right of the bat I would recommend joining any Gay-Straight Alliance at your school. If nothing such exists than it is a perfect opportunity to start one! Keep an eye open for other students who behave “oddly” (re: Queerly) and keep them in your sights, as they could very well be your future partners; many people deny their sexuality and so you shouldn’t be put off by some A-hole calling you some juvenile slur or whatever. It sucks, yes, but isn’t something you should let get to you.
Other than school clubs I can only recommend online sites, both dating and hook-up. This is a long term process. But you shouldn’t let it get to you. Remember: nothing worth having is a short journey. The best things in life are earned—embrace it!
If you have anymore questions or comments please do not hesitate to ask! I am always available!
-Sincerely!
TGU.
Very helpful ^-^ puts into perspective my 11th Grade crush… goddamn 0//0 oh well. GSA hasn’t started (yet). I’m mostly open, but not completely- being called a Radio Nerd is bad enough (school radio host). The worst is, no one, and I mean NO ONE, is openly gay at my school (but I’ve been sent and have been sending hints).
Also, self-confidence plays into effect. v-v
You have my approval from Canada. 😀
Thank you 🙂
Hi! Me again!
So, no luck on this side… the GSA never happened and that crush mover away, after I confirmed him to be straight. I’m just as lonely as ever, and I can actually feel it weighing down on me. It sucks, to say the least. I want to see more from you guys, this blog is awesome… 😦
Hey again Sean,
Sorry to hear that the GSA didn’t work out. It is sucky to be alone. I know the feeling all too well; far too much of my time and anxiety has been wasted worrying about the possibilities and effects of romance. Even though it can be a bummer to not find a local Queer youth group, I wouldn’t view the fizzling out of your GSA as something terrible. It sucks, yes, since I think every high school and university campus should have a safe place for Queer people to congregate, but it is not something I would view with a heavy heart.
A few years ago, after an online friend of mine was telling me about his positive experience in his gay youth group, I went searching for a youth group of my own to attend. After a great deal of searching and making the logistics be known to my family, I worked out a schema which would get me too and from each meeting. (I should quickly mention that in terms of queer youth groups existing outside of schools, this was– I believe– the only such group in the state that actually had a website) I went as often as I could. After all, I was desperate to find a partner and wasn’t going to squander any opportunity to meet new people. Well I did meet someone. But that relationship fizzled out; we lost attraction to one another and it turns out that he was actually Transgender, so our brief union was destined to shatter regardless. After we split I stopped attending the meeting shortly thereafter. I realized that my relation towards that of the group– living environment, home, social setting– just didn’t allow me entry into the group like the locals did: additionally, curiously, I found that after that brief relationship I didn’t clamor for a union (these feelings would eventually come back); I realized that sometimes you think you want something because you have invested all this time and energy thinking about how much life will be better if you obtain it. But that’s the thing: though your mind clamors you to slate your “what if” drive, that drive is only intuition. More often then not you need to remained focus: simply being part of a group is not guaranteed to land you a partner, much less one whom you actually connect with on a deep, personal level.
I’m not saying you should reject every group, organization, and whathaveyou simply because nothing is promised but merely you should remember that when trying your best locally, with limited resources, sometimes taking a pragmatic, logical, and (mildly) emotionally divested effectual turn can be for the best. Straight guys rarely understand this because they hold so much privilege. Us gay guys, however, understand it acutely and it is one of the burden we must bear. Loneliness deadens everything: I perceive it daily as it is part and parcel of my depression. It’s not easy refusing to give up. But it part of our essence. (I think this will be the topic of a guide in an forthcoming post).
-Sincerely,
TGU
Also, I think it is pretty awesome you do the radio show at your school. I would peruse that further. Never know what you could do with it at college 🙂
Actually, I’ve been considering it as career option. There are some college programs for it. It’d be awesome- I love music and public speaking. I could actually get a job like that! 😀
Plus, even if your college doesn’t have such a program you could always start one yourself. My university is small and for a long time didn’t have a radio station but one enterprising student changed that: started the program himself, got the official licensing to have a frequency, and now runs it; students now can sign up to have their own radio show. It’s pretty cool.
I’m a senior in high school, and I’m gay. But, I’m afraid of telling anyone. I was out completely with the whole school when I lived in Maryland, until my sophomore year, when I moved to Texas. My friend who had moved to Texas for a year told me a story about the one gay guy in her school here, and It started with cyber-bullying and ended with dead deer on his front doorstep. So, I immediately decided against being out in my new school. But, I happened to move to a small town near Austin, a pretty liberal part of Texas. I hadn’t told anybody for the last two years because I was afraid of what people would do to me, but I know now that I might have been worried over nothing. I’m 17 now, and there’s a guy that I really like, but people have known me as a sexually ambiguous person. It scares me to know what they’ll think of me if I came out. My junior year, a kid even asked me if I was gay, because I uncontrollably talk with a “gay accent” upon occasion, and he was homophobic, so I said NO. I don’t want people to think I’m a liar. I had friends last year that I think figured it out, and they haven’t talked to me since last year ended. Most of my friends are pretty open minded, but some aren’t. I’m involved in mostly academic clubs, and STEM teams, so I don’t normally come in contact with other gay people. I only know of one gay person at my school that is out and proud, but he’s pretty high profile around school; I know from a friend that he liked me, but he thought I was straight. I don’t know if I’m ready to be completely out to my friends again. I’v lived two years back inside, and I’m afraid to do it once more. Telling my family will then be its own can of worms that I’ll deal with later on. I just need some advice. I’ve thought of going to the counselor, but they will tell my parents for sure. Thanks.
Hi Jacob, great to see you here!
Well, no hiding it: sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. However, I think it may not be so hard as it sounds.
Let’s break down your situation: (1) You are afraid of others finding out about your sexual orientation *but*, and this is where I emphasize, according to you, you have already lost friends who suspected you of being gay. Why not just directly comes out and be able to (hopefully) get together with that other out guy who had his eye on you? Yes, there is the possiblity that coming out wholly will result in more friends leaving you but you have to be honest with yourself Jacob- staying in the closet isn’t keeping those around you from suspecting and taking rude courses of action. To me it sounds like you have more to gain from being out than staying in.
(2) Now I completely understand about the anxiety of being out. There was a time when I fretted over how I would come out and to who and what I would do if I was rejected and all that jazz. I don’t want to smear the importance of deciding to come out or not because if you do come out, and your family is homophobic, then you may end up without a home. But that being said you have to ask yourself: is your family homophobic? Would your parents kick you out of the house if you came out? Seriously think about this because if there answer is anything other than a resounding “yes!” I think you need to contemplate coming out to them, in conjunction with coming out to school, and building a life for yourself; you are a senior now and the school year is inching closer to completion. Even if bigots did take aim at you, you would only have to endure their nonsense for so long. Meanwhile, if you are able to snatch that guy from last year who had his eye on you, then at the end of the year this is the position you find yourself in: you will be an adult, with a high school degree, and a partner with a family that accepts your relationship. Dude, that is a pretty decent place to be. From there you can think about living, jobs, or university. Point is it is soemthing which many people would not *ever* be able to be in even if they tried with all their might.
(3) Don’t put much stock in these horror tales about coming out. Most of them are either fabricated or, at least, partially fabricated. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some pretty awful things that happen to kids and young adults when they come out in reactionary, backward places in the world but that you need to understand the demographics of your area and what you know for a fact and what is likely to happen. The story you told about a deer: cringe-inducing, yes, but the kid was never hurt, was he? So if that was the worst that the bigots did, and you now live in a more liberal place, I don’t think that it is all too likely something like that would happen. Now, again, you never know: jackasses abound, but if we are going to make an intellectual decision based on the empirical evidence that we know, I would say that the area you are in as of now isn’t the worst place to come out.
(4) I’m an intellectual as well and so I understand the lonliness. It sucks. But because of that lonely life I understand that when gay guys, or possible gay guys, come your way, you have to take advantage of the situation: ask to go out for a drink (coffee, hot chocolate, soda, beer, whatever you two like), or to hang out, or if you don’t know, just a polite question. You may end up gaining a lot more than you think.
(5) I would keep tabs on various dating and hook-up websites. You may not be interested in a sexual liasion but using filters and checking local postings could reveal people from real life who were just uncomfrtable with revealing themselves in the inferno that was high school. To this end I would definetly check around the dating websites just to stay up to date on who is now willing to be out in post-high school life. The results may surprise you if you keep at it. I know mine did.
(6) Well, that is about all the advice I can give you now. At the end of the day only you truly know the intricacies of your life. My position is that you should try to objectively look at your social situation and decide if coming out is possible without grave harm being done to your personhood; if no harm, you think, would come, then come out. I think you have a lot to gain but maybe I am wrong. Even so it is something to consider.
Don’t be hesitant to comment more if the situation arises. I approve all posts as long as the poster is not a spammer or a troll. So don’t be afraid of posting as much as the situation calls for it.
-Sincerely,
TGU
(P.S: sorry for all the spelling mistakes. Some words I can never spell)
Thanks so much. I actually just told my best friend, some secondary and tertiary friends. They all took it pretty well; I think they knew already, but were too nice to ask. I guess I wasn’t doing anyone any good by not being open about it.
Hi again Jacob. I am glad things have worked out for you. I really am. And no problem about the advice. Sometimes we just need a different perspective on things in order to make a decision. Anytime you need a second opinion I am here.
-Sincerely,
idk if I am gay or bisexual what should I do?
Heya Derren,
Good to hear from you.
Questioning whether you are gay or straight is something which I would only engage in if you are willing to expand your (sexual horizons). When I was in my questioning stage I would;’t have sucked, or fucked,any guy, for any less then being Jesus.
It is something you build up to.
My basic advice- think of depth, as to what you want to have as a partner- someone like you, someone un-like you? etc? Who would you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Since you are curious, would you desire a hookup before your (presumably final) encounter? I only ask since there are a lot of people who will take advantage of you; ergo, when you encounter other Queer kids what is your response? I simply would hate for you to receive such a homophobic response; the point I am trying to make is this: What is your immediate goal?
Do you want to engage in sexual acts to discover your inner-life? If not, then how do you propose to resolve these (obvious) contradictions which have manifested around your life?
This is what I am concerned about. Now, I am thinking about college more than high school so if I miss a point please let me know.But that being said, how do you think you should resolve your sexual confusion?
Personally, I would hook-up with a guy to find out my preference… but this is not always possible. Sexual activity is not always the best Option. . As such I would consider, seriously, what you want to do in life as vs. the reality of your situation.
Was this helpful;? If not then please, comment more and question my words; my purpose here is to help you. So if you are not assisted continue in your perseverance until I say something worthwhile.
I am here to help you. Never forget that 🙂
I am no sure if there is any other gays around my grade. Now what?
Hi again Darren,
Unfortunate as it say there is not much you can do. Aside from the obvious, joining clubs and organizations which you think gay kids would gravitate to, you can really only keep your ear to the ground and keep up to date on the whispering you hear about the other students; who is or could be gay and the sort.
Because something like this requires an extensive social network I would recommend joining clubs and groups anyways. You never know who you are going to come across, after all. A guy could show up when you least expect it. Just be patient and wait to see who comes around.
Other than that I can only suggest on maybe expanding your horizons to additional grades and searching outside of school; maybe hit up large online youth forums and seeing about any local sections. You never know who is around. Searching online I have found at least a couple intriguing guys who I never would have known existed if I kept my search only on the real world.
There is this guy who says he is straight, and i really like him. The only reason why i haven’t given up is because we were playing a game were we pick who we’d marry, have sex with, or kill. In the game he picked several guys over girls and seem really serious. He already knows that i’m gay, but he hasn’t come out to me yet. What should I do?
Hey Cameron,
I get this problem a lot myself. Our culture has created this kind of hipster blend of identities and humor which contradictory tendencies flow in one-another without the mental discord which would normally follow it; in other words, it is like having your cake, eating it, then somehow, also throwing it in your friend’s face and telling him with complete sincerity that it is an egg. It sucks. Period. My gaydar is only so good.
Therefore I am recommending to you what I tend to follow when I encounter an ambiguous situation: reflect on your emotions, decide on the best course of action, then pick a method of executing said plan.
You really like him but do you like him enough to get into a long term relationship with him? How much do you know about him and how much of it is hormones? I’ve been in this spot before and so it is unfortunate to say that it is hormones usually 50-50.
Once you have your understanding all figured out, meaning that you-assumingly, want to do more than hook-up and are interested in a long term relationship, you should decide how you are going to ask him about his virtual choices. Via email, text, in person?
I prefer email but depending on how your friend chooses to communicate you should follow suit on his method over yours- after all, the objective is to make your friend (not you) feel comfortable and in a position to open up to you. So start rehearsing what you will say.
Considering your situation I would start with something along the lines of, “when we play games together I noticed that you tend to pick guys more than girls; so I was curious if you are gay or bisexual? I only ask because I respect you so much as a friend and want to know all about your life. Besides, I was hoping that if you were like that then maybe you and I could be more than simply friends?” It doesn’t have to be those exact words but you get the gist I think; keep it focused on him, don’t accuse, reinforce your valuing of your friendship, and the emphasis on how you want to know more because you are confused on who he is and so just want to be clarified.
And finally, you say that he “hasn’t come out to you yet”. I would not automatically assume he is gay or bisexual. If you knows you are gay he may just be choosing guys over girls to make you comfortable around him, to show you that he isn’t homophobic and that you are still his buddy no matter who you feel an attraction towards; this video game behavior could just be a road for him to express his ease with sexuality.So for this reason as well is why I would place some extra importance on not accusing and assuming, but rather, in a mutual conversation aimed at building a friendship through honesty and truth.
I hoped that helped some. If you have any other thoughts, questions, comments, or the like, feel free to comment further till your heart’s content.
-Sincerely,
TGU
Hello I am 15 and currently a freshman. I am not sure whether I am bi or gay, but right now I have crush on a guy from my school. We do not talk too much, except for occasional conversation. The problem is that I am unsure of his sexuality. When my girl friend asked him about it, he said “idk.” He has a girlfriend right now, but I think there is a chance that he is also confused about his sexuality and under pressure to be straight. I don’t want to come out as gay because I fear that if in the future I fall for a girl then I will be labeled as gay and I will lose any opportunity with her. However, if I can be in a successful relationship with this guy then I wouldn’t mind being labeled as gay.
Hi Cam and thanks for your comment!
It sounds like you are in a hard position. High school isn’t made any easier when you are unsure of even your own sexual orientation. So on top of contending with the social cliques and homework you have this additional weight on you. It sucks but hopefully you will get some handy advice to help things along.
(1) You do not want to go onto the “war path” so to speak. If your friend has a girlfriend I wouldn’t recommend doing anything to precipitate, or force, a break-up. Of course there is no harm, in my eyes, in making your feelings known to your friend. No sense in keeping it bottled up inside; you just have to find a proper time to express your thoughts- you don’t want to creep him out or drive him away. I do this often through email since it provides a medium where I am able to express what is on my mind without another person interrupting me; plus when writing you are able to see exactly what you are talking about and so are able to more clearly express yourself.
(2) By having a friend ask him his sexuality he probably already knows something is up. If you had your friend mention your name then you are likely on his mind if he has feelings of some kind for you. However, with that being said, I wouldn’t pressure him too much about it. A short answer like, “idk” means either he needs time to sort his thoughts out or he is not interested in talking about it. In either case the burden is on you to have patience, look for the right moment to broach the topic, and voice how you would enjoy being his partner. Trust me on this: no good comes from pushing a person into a situation that they are not ready to engage. Friends and potential lovers are lost that way. Proper, direct, sincere communication in this respect is vital; you have to understand where your friend is coming from, know he is in some kind of relationship, and try and create a plan which validates not only your own personage but his as well. This is hard. But most of all it takes time. This isn’t something you can force.
(3) From the way you are sounding it sounds like you are Bisexual. No gay man has sexual attractions or desires with women. But it does appear that you lean more towards men than women (a lot of bisexuals have preferences for one gender over another). I wouldn’t place too much stress on being labeled, however, people inevitably tend to call others the way they perceive them: what the other actually thinks is usually of little concern to them. Find what fits you best, pronounce it when people inquire, but don’t think that finding that perfect label is going to fix everything because realistically it will not. You can only enforce your own will, not everyone else’s.
(4) Final thoughts: the most helpful advice I can offer in regards to helping your friend out with his sexuality would be for you to talk with him about sexual confusion. Talk directly about your own struggles, don’t try and coax him out of his shell by asking him about his own history. Lead into his thoughts and emotions by airing your own difficulties, thoughts, and solutions/proposed solutions to problems. Create a atmosphere which legitimates his identity, relationship, and uncertainty. You do not want to make him feel like he has to “become normal” or like he will only be happy with you (even if that may in fact be the case). Your buddy is looking for support right now and is only going to open up to you if he feels like you are someone he can trust. The best way to build trust is through patience, yes, but also understanding: learn who he is as a person, don’t just talk, relate and collaborate with him on the challenges he is facing. Express how you desire to know who he is on a level deeper than “just being friends” yet do so by sharing your own hardships and desires, your own emotional life surrounding school and romance.
I think if a relationship between the two of you is to develop it will be out of this path. Maybe I am reading into the situation too much and it can be solved by merely talking or hooking-up with your friend but as sex complicates matters I would not recommend trying to get in his pants. Take it slow, constantly evaluate the situation as it changes, and gauge your options with what you think will be the best route.
I’m 15 entering my freshman year but I have had a crush on this guy I’m friends with since October we don’t talk much but he’s pansexual but has a girlfriend I want to wait until they break up any reccomendations! We also se eachother daily at marching band camp
Hi Sam!
First of all I am deeply apologetic for spending so long responding to your comment. I have been slammed with my own school preparations and so was unable to get online very often. By now I am sure your situation has changed but, regardless, I will give you my thoughts.
(1) I wouldn’t place a huge amount of hope in them breaking up. This may cause you to alter your feelings towards your friend and his girlfriend as a means to subconsciously precipitating a break-up. This path never ends well. In any case anticipating a break-up which may take years to happen will not do you any good. (2) At the same time, however, there is no harm in letting him know that you have feelings for him. High school politics aside, and I would pay attention to them, slide comments affirming your affection towards him, hints here and there prior to the direct coming out, would do no harm (alternatively, if you felt comfortable with going directly for the direct approach then go for it!). This is always something good to do because it shows the other that there is other possibilities beyond the person he is dating; that, if divisions arise with his GF but feels if he breaks up with her then he will have no one, you are there as someone who has potentially better connectivity with him then his current partner. In line with the last comment, I would not rely on this too heavily or expect it to nab you your man, but it is part of a social construction, something to demonstrate who you are as a person. (3) Talk more! I don’t say this lightly since I am quite shy myself. But if there is anything I have learned it is that people do not have access to a crystal ball; if you want to build a friendship or relationship with them you have to make yourself known and talk with them so as to gain an understanding of their person-hood. Dating will never happen unless you make that jump and initiate conversations. It is scary but take a deep breath and simply get it done with; don’t think about it, just do it.
Well, that is all I have for now. Since it has been so long since you posted I would have to know more about your current situation before I said anything more. So apologies once again for taking so long to respond. I hope everything works out with the apple of your eye.
-Sincerely,
TGU
Im 14 and soon going to move to a new school in Kansas and I’m planning on coming out soon after i get comftorable (I’ve only come out to my sister) and I’ve really been wanting to be in a relationship but since ill just be coming out there are many problems I’m faced with including what if i can’t find the right guy (this is a problem cause I’m desperate), what if i like him but he doesn’t like me, what if i can’t find anyone out of the closet, what if he’s a bottom (cause I’m a bottom and not planning on being versatile) and I’ve heard that inexperienced tops really suck if i do get to that part. Sorry for the long comment kinda new to talking about this kind of stuff.
Hello,
First off, apologies for taking so long to approve and respond to your message. Life got busy. Wasn’t anything personal. Your post wasn’t too long, so no sweats.
Now, I can sympathize with your struggles. One of the big benefits in my eyes when I was deciding to come out was being able to have a partner; more to the point, it was having my parents able to help me in getting to places and be real with me; I didn’t want to live in this twisted lie where I had to make up cover stories for every place that I went and my “special friends.” So I gathered up the courage and came out. I won’t bore you with the details since it is in a post around here somewhere. But the morale of the story is this: it is a process and you shouldn’t feel rushed.
I was desperate too, to find a partner. But if there is anything I have learned in the years since when I first came out, it is this- at the end of the day, there is precious little you can do. I don’t mean to sound bitter or gloomy, but merely to acknowledge that you live in a area which is only going to give you so many options in terms of out people in your age group; additionally, of those people that are out, only a small amount are going to click with you.This sucks, I know. It doesn’t fit into the romantic concept of finding your one true love.
#1: You and him liking each other: if neither of you liked one another than there would be no relationship, would there? I know the fear of having feelings for a guy who doesn’t like you back (or worse yet, who is actually straight!). Many, many gay people (of all ages) experience rejection. It is a normal part of life. But in the end, it is like this: if he doesn’t like you back, then it wasn’t meant to be. If after trying to connect and hang with him results with no spark between you two then you have to admit it will not have worked out between you two even if you started dating anyway. So simply put: if he doesn’t like you back because of a lack of interests and needs, then any relationship between the two of you would have been doomed anyway. It is no chip off your shoulder. It is what it is. Focus on what you need and try and exude that desire as best you can. It is the only way others are going to pick up on your “essence” and decide if they like you back.
#2: Out of the closet: this is a tricky one. Yet, like the others, it is pretty simple: if he doesn’t want to be public with his sexuality than you should respect his desire. Coming out is a process for everyone; it is not wise to rush it. People need to take time to come to terms with how they want to go about revealing a intimate part of themselves. As his partner you can do this, however: give him affection and love and say how you will help him come out in anyway you can (when he is ready to). After spending enough time together, and if your parents know you are gay, then maybe when you two are spending time together at your house, and your family (or at least your parents) understand him as gay, then maybe simply being in a limited “out” environment where his is not harassed will help him in making the full transition to out-ness. Take it a step at a time.
#3: Bottom vs Top: It is true that inexperienced tops can be a bit rough. However, that is why any initial romantic entanglements between you and a consenting partner needs to happen slowly (figuratively and literally). Penetration is not something to be forced; rather, slowly and with care for the receiver. But if your partner is also a bottom, then what I would recommend is buying penetrative sex toys which both of you can takes turns using on the other. That way each of your sexual needs are met without grave transgressions. Likewise, if penetration is out of the question, then consider the other options open to you (such as mutual masturbation and oral sex). Remember though that you should always use a condom. Likewise, considering your age, I would not worry too much about sex right now. I know it seems like everyone in high school is “getting some action” but in actuality, very few are. Biologically speaking, the body and mind is not ready for sex until around 17 or 18 so it would be my recommendation to take any intimacy very slowly and gradually.
Well, I hope my lengthy comment has helped you some. If you want any clarification on what I said or future advice, do not hesitate to comment in the future.
-Sincerely,
TGU
im a senior now any tips on a freinds (girl) friend (gay guy i like)
Hi Trevor,
I would love to offer any input to your situation. However, I just need slightly more to go on; this female friend of your’s gay friend, are you asking for advice on how to court this guy when High School is almost over? Or for college?
If it is the former I would recommend doing more activities with this female friend of your’s and insert some comments about her male friend who is the object of your affection. Maybe try and schedule an outing where you three do something; this way, you are getting this other guy into a safe situation and are able to present yourself as someone worthy of their attention. Depending on how much time you have you could take it slow and ask him out, just the two of you, a little while after this group outing, or, if you are short on time, you could (sometime in the evening), mention how you like him or that you two should do something together.
All of this has variables, of course. Are you out, is he out? And more.
If I am missing and angle or misunderstanding something, or want more clarification on something I said, please, comment more!
-Sincerely,
TGU.
thanks ill see if i can get that to work
If you have any problems or issues which comes up don’t hesitate to send me a message; we might be able to find a solution.
But I am a lesbian is there a place in high school besides a gay club where most lesbians would hang out
Hi Ella, thanks for your comment!
I apologize for my guide being so focused on male intents. I wrote it while spending a great deal of time supporting primarily young males as they attempted to find their place and so with little Lesbians to influence my writing it took a decadently “sausage fest” route.
To answer your question though, it can be hard to say. You should not think that most Gay/Lesbian social activities take place within Queer clubs, many people do not like to pigeonhole themselves as a “clique” and so prefer to mingle without labels. This can make it great for them but not so great when you are looking for a partner. When trying to figure out where “people you would like to meet” might gather, think about stereotypes. While stereotyping people is wrong it is handy to know that such preconceptions exist because enough people identify with the notion to make it “real.” So, if you are looking for Lesbians, you might try to go to clubs where you think Lesbians might be attracted to: most young girls are attracted to typical “womanly” activities; by contrast, Lesbians should be attracted to some things which your typical heterosexual guy is interested in: vehicle maintenance, video games, gym activities, etc. You could try and search like that. I have had some luck in doing this and while it does not always work it at least provides a good reminder that everyone is an individual: simply because you do not find people in a GSA type of club does not mean they are not there, somewhere else, living it up.
That being said, in these Gay-Straight Alliances (and other similar entities which are not explicitly named so), Lesbians are more than welcomed. It is a unfortunate reality that living in Patriarchal (men centered) culture affords guys privileges which can make harder life for woman, in this case Lesbians (like yourself). At the high school level this means that the names of pro-gay/lesbian clubs tend to orient themselves towards boys in their namesake.
However, if there is one thing I have learned in my time organizing it is this: names can be deceiving. Unless your pro-homosexual school-based organization specifically says “dudes only” then I would go in an see what you are able to find. ‘Cause unless it caters exclusively to guys I would be very much surprised if you didn’t meet other Lesbians. My local high school (called the Rainbow Club) took this approach and welcomed everyone.
I hope all that made sense. Sometimes I can complicate matters. If you have any questions just post below and I will try my best to reply in a simple language.
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