Being Realistic: Reactionaries and their Language

Not too long ago a prominent ultra-conservative radio show host defended Russia’s anti-gay propaganda law by claiming that the Russian government is simply being “homo-realistic”, that they are accepting the reality of homosexuality and taking preventive efforts to stop an “unhealthy lifestyle”. Reading this excuse for blatant bigotry brought me back to reactionary politics in general and reminded me of the “Race Realists” who pander the same dribble regarding Colored Persons.

                Among reactionary strata this line of thought is not uncommon. Rather it proliferates as capitalism decays and the progressive tide gains in strength. The reason why is simple: because it doing so the proponents are able to take a “moral high ground”; through rejecting the climate of change they claim they are not rejecting change itself, per se, but rather being realistic about the future, about reality.

                The “Race-Realists” claim that interracial couples threaten the “superiority” of the White man, that other races are not as intelligent or creative as Whites. Backing up this claim they are quick to say they do not hate other races but simply wish to see their own race continue[1]. In this light much of the same can be said of these “Homo-Realistic” individuals: they claim to love gay people and because they “love” them so much they must be honest with them and inform them of the sinful, unhealthy lifestyle they lead. As part of this deranged logic they claim that their love shines through by denying questioning youth gay affirming icons and imagery (the understanding that without such constructs in sight they would develop “normally”).

                As Leftist we must realize (as most of us already know) that both of these “theories”, and others like them, are nothing but junk. They are not legitimate worldly outlooks and as such do not lead to proactive results. The end-result of granting such theories a safe place to grow is uncontested misery in the form of depressed, suicidal youth and ashamed racial minorities.

                Make no mistake- there is no such thing as being “Homo-Realistic” or “Race-Realistic” .Each concept are excuses for bigotry. There is no reality to race or homosexuality. Both exist exactly as they appear: varying Melatonin levels and biological roots; skin color is simply skin color and sexual attraction is blasé. Neither determines the intellectual capacity or heath standing of an individual

[1] The “White Man’s Burden” pseudo-theory can be considered an outgrowth of this line of thinking when previous defenses fail; they claim that it is the White man’s burden to help civilize and uplift the other races and that in return these people must acknowledge the actions taken towards them as “positive”. This was largely been a justification for Imperialism.

Chadzworld: Queer Youth Support Site

(Please note that this entry was written during a time when the site now called Chadzworld was called Chadzboyz. For any Queer youth finding it difficult to overcome some personal obstacles I emplore you to check out the following site and get some of the help and friends which you deserve)

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During your time on our great planet called Earth, you might ask yourself the following question: why should I join the chadz LGBT Teen (although we welcome all ages, assuming everyone gets along well with each other) Support Forum? The answers are many, and during the course of our journey together I shall illuminate them for you.


                Here on chadz you will find a community unlike any other. This is a community built from the ground up with caring individuals; with people who honestly about you as a person, and not just a “poster.”

                Most recently I underwent a period of short, yet extreme, depression. This was triggered from my less than stellar experience at a local Gay Pride Prom; I had discovered that I was among the very few real singles there. I watched as all the other participants became tender with one another, and greeted each other in groups. Most came with their partners, and those who didn’t, came with a group thereby making things very awkward if you wanted to talk with someone. Everyone knew each other and was happy, while I remained alone.

                I walked away from that dance more depressed than I had been in months; I fumed and raged prior to slipping down deep into the pits of misery. Yet, there were those who cared. Those who decided to go above and beyond the call of duty in assisting me in feeling better.

                When I had “fumed” I had posted my feelings of sorrow onto a frequently visited thread known as the “Vent Thread” within the “Advice Couch forum (a great place to go if you need help). I wasn’t expecting a response, yet someone cared enough to attempt to cheer me up. What followed was several days of messages filled with hugs and consolatory gestures.

                The affection this young man showed me is by no means uncommon behavior. Everyday people here lift one another up. This is a forum of people, not posters; this is a community.


                Here on chadz, we have a unique cast of characters to meet everyone’s needs. Whether its political, hobby related or any other craft you can imagine, we have ‘em! Chadz has people from many different walks of life, and many, if not all of them, would be more than glad to share their experiences with you (if you only joined that is!).

                While currently Chadz is a bit lacking in female members, this is something which we are aiming to correct. Within our newest site version we have feminine pictures for our lesbian members, and have been increasing the amount of attention given to issues of the womanly gender. However, the only thing which will really allow the lesbian community fly is by strong, proud young woman (perhaps much like yourself?) from enlisting in our army of diversity!

                This is the same situation which we have found our transgendered brethren and sistern in. However, while shorthanded right now on great people like these, you can assist us in turning chadzboyz into a place where all are included just by joining and sticking around to help your future comrades when they inevitably join. After all, everyone needs a welcoming committee and I believe you would make a fantastic one!

                Safe Place

                I am proudly able to say that you will find no other place on the internet that is safer than Chadz GLBT Teen support forum! Don’t take my word for it though, just see what our embers have to say!

                Chadz has provided a safe haven for me. This site is where I can go and know that nobody is going to tease or bully me (like what happens on other sites). Everybody is nice and helpful. Being in the coming out process requires a ton of support which Chadz has helped with.

                Quite the endorsement, eh? You see, here on Chadz the majority of our members are young people just like you. Some are locked in “the closet,” while others are prancing around free. Some have life partners, while many still search. We know and understand your life, so we know where you are coming from. Here we understand the feeling you get when a boy you liked has offhandedly mentioned his girlfriend, or when a “butchy” lady comments on a man’s “appendage” in a very heterosexual way. We feel your depression and pain, because we have been there ourselves. Never will you hear, or suffer, degenerating words of hate or shame. We love each other here and that’s the way Its always been.


                However, not all is serious on Chadz, for we also know how to have fun! There is so much joking and good times that you would need a planet sized box to fit even a small portion of the total joy.  In the words of one member who has been here for years, “…there are some absolutely hilarious comments, topics and threads which never cease to amuse me.” A small taste of the total hilarity.

                Within this little community of ours we have what we call the “Fun House” forum. This is the location where much of our good times take place. Game threads, such as “The Story Line Game” and “The Word Challenge Thread, are abound in this area and I can almost guarantee that you will find something that will make you laugh till milk shoots out of your nose (whether or not you are actually drinking milk!). Then we have the Culture Scene forum where any full member can post their literary works (such as poems and short stories), discuss current books and authors, and other mind provoking topics of concern to the world of books. Following this is the “Show Time” forum where one can talk about movies, actors and anything related to the world of films.


                You might have already guessed so, but we are big on supporting one another. As previously stated we care about each other in the way only a community can.

                However, sometimes we need more than the kindness of a single soul. Sometimes we need the whole of the community to help us out. On Chadz you will find two support forums: “Advice couch” and I “Need Help Now.”

                The Advice Couch forum is for moderate problems or questions. Minor things such as what to wear to a dance, whether or not a boy likes me and so forth are usually the order of the day, but this depends entirely on what your outlook is. If you think its minor than it goes here, but if you believe it is major than feel free to use the other forum.

                The I Need Help Now forum is intended for more serious problems. Depression, suicide, homelessness and so forth are the types of situations encountered here.

                You are free to use both forums as much as you need to. When you post your query will be answered as soon as humanly possible by one of our members. But wait, the help doesn’t stop there! Here on Chadz we also employ a crack team of advice givers we call CAT (Chadz Advice Team). All’s you have to do is send them a message to a member with a bold Pink username and they will reply with their advice when they are able to (usually this process is very quick, a couple days at the most).

                And again! More to come! Chadz also has a forum called “Your Health,” an area where you can post your questions about sex, masturbation, STD’s and other diseases, proper condom use and any other questions you might have. If it is related to your body in any way, this is the place to go!

                Remember, our members will go to any lengths to help you, just listen to these brave individuals speak….

                “I enjoy helping the members here at chadz, because of the good things this site has done for me. I get a good feeling from helping out the guys, and in return there is always someone to chat to when I have issues or need to talk things through :)”


                “Well I’ve been here since 04, and the one things I’ve seen is I’m nowhere near as alone as I thought. I met some great people, gained the confidence to come out.”


                “Basically it’s helped me to meet others who understand my situation and don’t judge me for it. It’s good to have somebody sympathetic to talk to once in a while. Other sites I’ve tried seem only interested in compatibility with other members and what your personal preferences are, and people seem really judgmental. Definitely not that way here.”

                How much more convincing do you need in order to join our community? More?! Well, don’t worry, because I have more!

                Intellectual Debate

                Perhaps you are an intellectual who is looking for a mentally challenging debate? Well, look no further!

Chadz is home to two major hubs of discussion. The first is “World Events” where anyone can debate the happenings of the world and their personal political beliefs. In short, this is the location to discuss all the news stories you hear about in the media. After all, sharing your opinion is as American as apple pie, right?

The second forum is known as “World Religions,” where topics concerning spirituality are placed. Anything related to the supernatural as its place here. Religions, cults, gods, atheism and more reside here. Join now and engage others in a heated, but respectful, debate concerning the spirit (or lack, therefore).  One member said the following about the world religions forum,”.. .but it’s absolutely true. I’ve actually grown in mt atheism as a result of the world religions forum :-bd Again that is true. And it’s my number reason to thank Chadz.” A great and a half to be sure, find yourself through debate!

                However, Chadz LGBT Teen Support forum is all about mutual aid on the religious bigotry of the zealot. Within the reliions forum you will find several threads whose main purpose is to help, as a Christian, understand that the Bible doesn’t condemn homosexuals. To further illuminate check out the threads here, go to the support section of the website, or just send our resident religious scholar NewMorning a visit. He would be more than glad to answer any queries you have concerning homosexuality and the bible.

While much of our content in religion has to do with Christianity, this doesn’t mean we do not have the time of day for Judaism, Islam, or Buddhism/Hinduism. Rather, it simply means that we have a lack of those that adhere to those particular faiths. If you happen to have knowledge on the true meaning of these religions, and are able to interpret them in a fashion that reveals they do not condemn same-sex attractions, than please get your topic up for others to read! We strive to include all in our community, so please share and hang around for potential brothers and sisters.


I cannot even begin to describe all the ways in which the Chadz LGBT support forum has helped and given me friends. Here on Chadz, our members are looking for others like you to talk and hang with; they want to share their life with you and be there when things get bad. One member said,” Further more, Chadz is a great place for friends. I’ve finally made gay friends thanks to Chadz. Chadzboyz has successfully created an accepting community which I feel a part of which mean so much to someone who doesn’t exactly fit in at school or home.” Remind you of you?

I myself have made dozens of friends while cruising around the forum and I can safely say the friends I made here have been my greatest safety net; strong and thick as the day is long these people’s words and companionship are. Trust me when I say that you will meet people here that you will remember, and perhaps even communicate with, for life. Who knows, maybe even your soul mate is here waiting?

                Well, there you have it! A great deal of the reasons to join us and our wonderful community! So, what are you waiting for?! Click on the “FORUM” buttom in the upper right-hand part of the screen and sign up; start on your career to online happiness!

Homosexuality in Death Note?

Yaoi art

One could say I am a fan of anime. Not a huge fan, mind you, but enough to say I have watched through the Dragonball Z series from start to finish, devoured Inyuasha, Bleach, Fullmetal Alchimist and others. So needless to say I have been a fan of Death Note form the very beginning. This being said it is only recently on my fifth (or so) playback that I noticed the moderate amounts of homoeroticism inherent in Death Note.

                There are several instances where this gay tract is revealed. Some are subtle others not so subtle. An example of the not so subtle variety can be seen in the first season where REM reveals that if Light attempts to kill Misa she will, in turn, kill Light. She does this in order to protect her but moments before this is said there is an exposition which details that the only way to kill a Shinigami is to make them fall in love with a human; once in love they are susceptible to prolonging that person’s life but preventing their intended death. The consequence for doing so is death for the Shinigami.

                So we see that REM has romantic feelings for Misa. The show’s first, and only, Lesbian pseudo-romance.

                Later on we can begin to question Light’s sexual orientation. We know from early in the show that Light is a brilliant student with a strong sense of justice. Yet he is also brutal and cunning, he harbors delusions about creating a perfect world and is determined to bring this dream to reality. To this end he will utilize any means necessary, including using Misa’s infatuation with him as a controlling tool.

                He is seen with several woman throughout the course of the show yet through it all the audience never gains the impression that the women he dates are anything more than business partners. He plays several women against each other and, ignoring a contrived scene where he looks at “dirty magazines” in order to fool spy cameras, never is he intimate with a member of the opposite sex.

                This isn’t to say that he is seen to be genuinely intimate with members of the same-sex. However, when taken together with several occurrences throughout the show the question of Light’s sexuality comes under some scrutiny. By this I mean his friendship with “L”.

                While it is obvious to anyone that Light hates “L”, as L is attempting to imprison Kira, him, as the investigation drags on, and the intensity boils, one can begin to sense this strange almost frustrating tension between the duo. For example, beore “L’s” death when he is standing atop the team’s headquarters in the pouring rain and Light comes to drag him back in-doors, there comes a scene soon after where “L” is dying off Light’s feet while musing about their “freidnship”.

                This scene can be interpreted in many different ways, including religious. It could also mean nothing more than a dramatic lull in the story to showcase “L’s” complete acceptance of defeat. Still, this scene, and their whole dynamic in general, takes on a wiser importance come the series conclusion.

                By the end of the second season Light has been revealed to be Kira: his plan to create a utopia has failed and so, bleeding by the hand and clearly deranged, he flees his persecutors. Struggling to a nearby warehouse Light rests on an iron staircase. As Ryuk writes his name in his notebook, thus killing him, Light, in his final moments, sees “L” standing before. A smile crosses his face and before long he passes.

                We may never know for sure if this tentative friendship between two genius detectives who never showed much of an interest in the opposite sex was anything more than an awkward gesture between men or if it was a suppressed love. Yet we can say that it raises some eyebrows if one thinks hard enough. In addition with the love shown by REM (the one definite homosexual attraction) we can see that the show was not all together devoid of same-sex romance, so it would not be much of a stretch to say that, had some more details been provided, a romance could have been possible between Light and “L”.

                In any case, whether Light and “L” were straight or gay Death Note is a provocative show. The dialogue is well written and the plot is something, while fitting into Otaku convention, takes the viewer on a stimulated and suspense filled ride. True to my word the only real criticisms I have of the show is that there has yet to be another series.

Musicial Interior: Rainbow Incest (Damien Zygote)

I am always hesitant to listen to any song with the word “incest” in the title. For me it conjures up images of familial sexual intimacy. Something I do not fin very appealing. So upon hearing, some time ago, an older track of Goth-like techno-horror musical artist Damien Zygote, entitled “Rainbow Incest” I was skeptical of its Queer-friendly attitude (to say the least).

The song is over five minutes long. Filled with some telling lyrics and a nearly far-eastern sounding vibe, the song reminded me, for reasons unknown, of author Stephen King’s novel “Misery”. Borrowing influence from local Maine themes, however, the song displays a somewhat bewildering message which I will attempt to shed some light on and whether this is Queer-positive or Queer-negative.

Let’s start with some of the lyrics[1]:

                “Slide Another Rainbow Into Your Mouth

Dirty Birdie Tongue And Groove

Dirty Little Mouse

Down Through The Cellar Door

On The Basement Floor

What’s The Name Of The Game

That We’re Killing For

What stands out most of all is the first line: slide another rainbow into your mouth.  It seems to be a reference to homosexuality. What is intended, however, is unknown. The next line, with starts with “dirty Birdy” reminds me of Stephen King’s character Annie Wilks from his novel “Misery” (it is not absurd to believe that Mr.Zygote has a certain amount of affinity for Mr.King living in the same state and being hosted on King’s radio station). The mystery starts with the mouse lyrics indicating that someone is perhaps spying on another person? From here it is not until the fourth lines that another intriguing line starts: a basement is referenced along with murder?

Oh My, Oh My, Oh My, Who’s Lying[x2]

This line is more revealing: someone isn’t being murdered rather is keeping a secret, one that is killing him, or murdering him, on the inside?

A Smile On A Dog’s Face

Don’t Mean It Won’t Bite

Tear Out A Piece Of Your Soul

And Hide It Inside”

The latter lyrics in this verse are more of a regurgitation of what we previously know (someone is keeping a terrible secret that is eating away at them) so it is the former lyrics that are worth noting; appearances can be deceiving and so the words state: “A smile on a dog’s face don’t mean it won’t bite”. One could interpret this as a person, our secretive protagonist, is keeping up with the world only through fake appearances; our un-named man seems nice but actually have some vigor to him.

A Kiss From A Snake’s Tongue

Will Keep It In Mind

Well I Don’t Want To Make Fun

So I’m Laughing Inside

The first two lines here can be discerned as anything. They could be simple conjecture or they could be homophobic descriptions. What is clear, however, is the final two lines concern someone, this observer, restraining his thoughts so as to continue watching. This could also be a wider statement on how many heterosexuals view homosexuals: tolerance, they keep their negative thoughts inside to accommodate political correctness?

Oh, I Really Wanna Know [x3]

Where The Rainbow Goes

The unnamed observer desperately wants to know something. This must be taken in with the first line of the song (“Slide another rainbow into your mouth”). The task seems to be figuring out what this so-called rainbow means, what it represents. It could be many things but sexual innuendos come to the forefront.

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You

They’re All Gonna Make You Cry

They’re All Gonna Laugh At You

Hide Your Pride

A fascinating section, we now come closer to the meaning of the song, maybe? The omniscient narrator is parroting results deduced by our “mouse” observer. He implies that if these two people, who are engaging in homosexual acts in a place (“a basement floor”), go to the public with their love they will be ridiculed. Knowing this it is best to keep their orientation pride, their rejection of hetero-hate, on the inside.

Take And Break Another One

Is It Something Really Fun

I Don’t Know Anyone

Who Really Knows It

Maybe In Another Life

You Can Try To Choose A Side

But For Now

You’re Gonna Like It

Now our observer is making inner remarks. He muses about how he doesn’t know anyone else who engages in such, presumably, sexual acts. More importantly he endorses the correct, and scientific, fact that one’s sexual orientation is unchangeable and set from birth (“Maybe in another life you can choose a side”. He finishes off this verse with a positive statement of “you will like it”.

Some Of These Things Are Not The Same

Some Of These Things Are Alike

Learning Too Much Can Be Such A Shame

Close Your Mind

Finishing off his song Mr.Damien sings of uniqueness. Stating that “some of these things are not the same… [and] alike” he is endorsing diversity and attacking the heteronormative culture of Americana.  The last lines are perhaps the most revealing as they might be defined as a social-statement: the populace is queerphobic and learning too much, learning to accept, is, sarcastically, a shame so it is better to close one’s mind and live in ignorance (who wants knowledge anyway?).

These last lines could easily be homophobic, an endorsement of ex-gay “reparative” therapy (learning to be heterosexual?). Yet coming from his tradition, his locale, and from how the previous song proceeded, this seems unlikely.

Returning to “square one” we must examine the word “incest” to truly understand the meaning of this song.[2] defines incest as sexual intercourse between closely related siblings. So with this in mind, and with the examinations of the verses, we can now say, within a reason of a doubt, that this song is about two same-sex family members experimenting with their sexual urges and society’s innate prejudices towards such people. The lyrics hint at a very Queer-positive depiction (if not somewhat condescending).

Personally I do not endorse sexual relations between family members but neither do I condemn it (so as long as it is between two legally consenting adults). It is, in short, not my cup of tea. And while it is a type of song one would never hear on the mainstream radio stations, for a local artist who is trying to make a name for himself, it is a perfect substance; edgy, different, and new, it shows, at the minimum, that Mr. Damien Zygote is unafraid to tackle oceans of creative grey.

To judge for yourself whether Mr.Zygote’s track is homophobic or not listen here…

[1] For this article the lyrics have been taken from the lyrics data-base “Lyricsmania”:

The Queer Project Report #5

The fifth entry.

I have not updated this sub-project of mine for a while so it is natural for comrades to not have a deep understanding of what this post incorporates. Simply put this sub-project is simply a weekly symmetrization of events examined from a revolutionary Queer perspective.  While when I started this endeavor I regularly updated every week events caused me to peter out until I all but abandoned consistent updates. Such is the past, however. I am not back and willing to re-start such periodicals. While I cannot promise updates every week I will certainty try to provide at least a couple of updates per month.


The biggest news story of week has undoubtedly been the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI, on the 11th.  This event caused sensational speculation as to the reasons with many not accepting the given reason of the Pope’s advanced age. Marking the first resignation in 600 years this is a dramatic event.

Personally I do not see this has anything truly historic, not at least, for Queer people. As always we can hope that the next pope is more Queer-friendly, less chauvinistic, and embraces science instead of pseudo-science. Yet there is a decent precedent that progress of any kind is slow to non-existent, especially when some of the recent contenders for the new Pope are as equally reactionary as Benedict was.

Currently there are pro-gay catholic groups and other liberal religionists who sent lukewarm congratulatory messages to the Pope on his decision. They do this to mask their own displeasure with his policies. This is a typical ploy on the bourgeoisfied portions of the working class in order to seem respectable.

Yet it is not my position as my position is that the man formerly known as Pope Benedict the XVI is an arch-criminal responsible for the deaths of thousands of queer teenagers and juvenile rape. His dark-age positions on modern life have no place in the current century. It is precisely because of his words which untold numbers of Queer people suffered and are denied equal rights all while his cohort of pedophile priests have their way with young boys. He is a monster and in an ideal world would be tried and convicted of crimes against humanity.

Such statements are loaded but are reflected well in our society. Perhaps this is nowhere better seen than in Sullivan Indiana High School where a splinter group of bigots sought to create a parallel prom barring Queer youth from attending. The group, which has it reasons for doing so rooted in religious superstition, was comprised of some students, parents and even a teacher. The quote which caught the attention of the nation was spoken by Diana Medley who answered she didn’t believe gay people had a purpose in life when asked about her attitude towards homosexuals.

While their efforts to build this alternative prom were justly shut down by school officials it is a testament that theist garbage still maintains a stranglehold in contemporary American society. This, of course, means that revolutionaries have much work to do in combating hatemongers who use the sacred cloth of religion to justify their actions. It means we must redouble our efforts at building radical anti-capitalist theist groups while our militant atheist shock troops do their best in combating general supernatural discord.

Yet not all assaults on Queer people directly involve religion. Sometimes the evil is rooted in religion but expresses itself in a more secular or agonistic manner. This is relevant within the comic book industry where on the lust for profits have turned formerly pro-gay DC Comics to hire anti-gay writer Orson Scott Card to pen the new Superman comic. Card, who is best known for his masterpiece Ender’s Game, is also a board member of the anti-Queer National Organization for Marriage (NOM). A spokesperson for the company sleazed his way out of explaining the rationale behind the move by simply saying any messages within the pages of the new comics is not the position of the company itself but rather that of the individual writer. This is an expected ploy on their move to cover up the glaring fact there is no deep meaning behind their actions other than the craving to make a quick buck off of the high sales this combination will produce.

Stretching further we can see such morals taken to a still further extreme within New York where on the 14th of February, three gay men were found dead. While some days later the police announced they believe caught one of the assumed several killers, the fact that deranged individuals still feel confident enough to stalk and kill gay men says volumes about how much work still needs to be done.

None of these stories are a coincidence. They are all indirectly connected in that the anti-Queer bias still prevalent in Western society is alive and well. The special role played by religionists and other reactionary groups prone to bigotry cannot be over-looked. Theist dogma has spread its claws deep into the psyche of conservative and ignorant citizens. As revolutionaries we must recognize that the more we fight for genuine progress, and the more archaic values relating to gods dissipate, the more virile religionist violence will assume.

Overcoming Obsession: outgrowing infatuation with straight peers

As you know, there is something about being a gay teenager that your heterosexual counterparts could never understand: longing for someone they can never have. By this I mean a sexual attraction which will never bear any fruit; no relationship, not even a friendship. This is something almost exclusively unique to the gay identity because, for the most part, heterosexual youth are able to freely express their sexual attraction not only without fear of attack but with a reasonable chance that their interest will be, in some form, returned.

Homosexual youth not only are unable to express how they feel sexually but are pigeonholed to a closet where their innermost feelings are kept a secret. Undoubtedly you have felt this yourself. You have felt an intense want for someone of your same gender yet have been unable to tell them or even to get over such feelings yourself.

Many gay youth go through this ordeal, me included. It is almost a rite of passage at this point because so many of your gay peers undergo the very same struggle. Each and every time is a hard stranglehold to break with many hours of painful realizations to achieve.  In this article I will attempt to help you overcome these feelings by using my own stories as an example.

~             ~             ~

When I was in the troughs of adolescence and had next to no ability to control my hormones I had crushes on many guys and obsessions on many more. It wasn’t something unhealthy, just indicative of a teenager’s desire. Many youth undergo this haelstorm of emotions and it is perfectly normal. Yet, there was one guy, in particular, that caught my eye more than the rest. I’m not sure why but this young man took an ever present place in my thoughts from the first moment I met him.

I was in the 7th grade when I met him yet for years afterward he would be on my mind. During the entire school year of our original meeting I would stare at him whenever possible, try and glimpse at his underwear (baggy pants were very popular back than) and attempt, very pitifully, to engage him in conversation. This was all well and good until I entered night school.

For those of you who do not know night school is Adult Education (I entered when I was sixteen) for individuals who are not adjusted to the day school schedule.  Some enter it because they prefer it over the rigors of day school. When I entered I was free from this other boy’s range. For a time I thought I was free of and my sexual attraction problem was over.

I was wrong, of course. As time passed my thoughts gradually returned to him. Eventually it became unbearable. I would spend all night moping, depressed that I never knew his sexual orientation. I was consumed by the thought that if he was gay, it is important to recognize that I knew of no such tells to say that he was gay; I would be missing out on my soul mate.

As my depression grew and my desire to have some sort of contact with him grew, I scattered through my old school books and searched out any shred of material that might help me in locating him in real life. At this point it didn’t matter: one way or another I had to find out.

What I devised was scouring through the phonebooks. I was searching for a number to call. He had a name and a place of residence, so surely he had a home phone number. I located several possible numbers and called every name which had even a remote chance of him being listed among them. My efforts paid off: I found him.

At the time I didn’t have the courage to ask him about his orientation, I barely was aware of my own, but I did manage to cop out a thread in which if he ever wanted to talk he would have access to my number. I had sown the seeds for communication.

Unfortunately he never did call me on anything. Never. As time passed I grew depressed once again and the same feelings of massive insecurity returned. Then, when I finally came to terms with my own sexual orientation, the thought that I was missing out came back at full blast: I knew I had to definitively find out what my friend’s orientation was.

I have had enough with the dreams, with the ceaseless worrying about missing out, and just the plain old guilt from keeping such feelings locked inside. I was lucky at this time though for by now my family had an internet connection, and I a new computer, hence I was able to sign up for a Facebook account. Surely, I reasoned, he would have a FB profile page. Everybody seemed to and it was my only shot to communicate with him via private.

So I signed up and hit pay dirt: after some time of being on, and after an extensive search, I located his profile and friend requested him instantly. After a few days he accepted. With me being as happy as a gay kid could be I immediately set out to talk with him. So we chatted about writing, video games, and interests. That is, until one day where after gathering up a bit of bravery, I wrote out an email. This email asked the question that I had been meaning to ask for years: Are you gay, because I have feelings for you?

I would be disappointed when he responded: he wasn’t gay OR Bisexual (he had taken it onto himself to include Bisexuality). Yet, I still won some: we remained friends (even if it was only on Facebook).

Right after I received his answer my tired mind was put at rest. Though I was depressed I finally obtained the much sought after answer to my most burning questions. I was free to peruse my life without fear of missing out from a great guy. Though the dreams in which we were a couple persisted for some time even those eventually dwindled the primary rush had been overcome.

~             ~             ~

When I was dealing with this emotional turmoil it is safe to say I lived in a nightmare. My existence never ended and on more than one occasion I dreamed of sleeping but never waking up. Yet, for all its difficulty I overcame my love and established a regular connection with my one time obsession. I did this through many stages of realization, stages which I now wish to share with you.

Relationship Impossibility

When you have a sexual attraction to a heterosexual chances for a committed relationship are zero. No matter how hard you try you cannot change the fact that the object of your affection is heterosexual while you are homosexual. Any arranged relationship is prone to unmitigated failure. Knowing this I knew it was in my best interest to try my best to forget about my obsession and instead focus on finding a gay lover. This way my need for intimacy would be met and it would be in a healthy manner.

You owe it to yourself to find a partner which loves you for you, not an idol that consumes your time and energy simply for existing.  

Satisfaction of Knowing

When I was depressed over my obsession a great part of my sorrow was attributable to failing to understand the orientation of my idol. When I did finally uncover who my idol was sexually, a great part of my worry was eliminated. Yet, this was only possible due to my desire to know who my idol was sexually. Had I never asked the question it is likely I would still be despairing over remaining mired in ignorance.

Because of this it is vitally important that you find out what your idol thinks of you. Asking is a difficult process to be sure; it is not something to be taken lightly. I would highly recommend you do some “detective work” and uncover how your obsession reacts to gay issues. If he is supportive than ask him about his orientation and of your own feelings right away. If you think he isn’t supportive of queer people, and seems generally homophobic, than hold off on asking him his orientation until such a time where he appears to be in a position to answer bluntly, yet not abusively.

Inability to Escape

Possessing an overwhelming attraction to a guy you can never be with is a heartbreaking event. Sometimes, especially if the guy lives nearby, it may seem like an attractive option to move as far away from the other guy as possible. This is not a sound move. An important fact to remember when considering such a hasty action is that no matter how far you move that no matter how far you run away, you will always be in possession of your attraction. You cannot overcome obsession by distance; you overcome obsession by contact and realization.


By realization I mean epiphany; a great understanding suddenly achieved by sharing intimate life details with a trusting individual. Through such means I have been able to shed light on parts on my conscious which have ultimately made me a better person. I shared my inner torments over my obsession with a trusted gay friend I had met online and through lengthy conversation I was able to realize that I was not alone; that my struggle was also felt by many of my gay peers.

Such thoughts gave me strength; they gave me the tools to understand my own inner torments and, by extension, understand how to solve my intense feelings in a constructive, mature manner.

Clues, Hints, and Stereotypes

A method one can use to help stop such obsessions before they begin is understanding that simply because the idol of your affection shows kindness towards you does not mean he has an attraction towards you. Taking this further, it is important to remember that stereotypes are exactly that: stereotypes. If your idol shows one or two of the typical gay stereotypes it does not mean that they are gay. Many straight guys can be as flamboyant as the gays you see on TV and yet still be heterosexual. Indeed, this is also true for your fellow homosexual: a gay guy can be a tough, muscle bound, football player and yet be interested in other men. Just because a person has some traits glorified by the mass media it is not a “tell” of who they are sexually. If you understand this than you can know that the single actions of an attractive person is not any all revealing cue for you to follow and unwind.

Because many gay youth are unable to fully do away with their obsessions due to hopes that their crush may be gay, an impression given to them by vague stereotypical behavior, it is prudent to be aware of such inner thoughts and combat them with reason: tell yourself that no matter what the other boy might have did or said, such mannerisms are not proof of his presumed sexuality.

~             ~             ~

There you have it. I sincerely hope that my words have assisted you some, even if only a little. I want you to peruse happiness and find that loving man you deserve. Before you can do that, however, you must be able to come to terms with your own obsessions, idols, and unhealthy desires. It is hard, I know, but you are capable of doing so; you just have to take it one step at a time.

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