Friendship: Then and Now

 

Recently, a close friend of mine, whom I had associated with for over five years, decided to end our friendship. I am not upset by this turn of events; the truth is, the association was a long-time in circling the drain. Simply put, each of us had simply gone in two different directions and life paths. So, in a way, this is liberating since it frees me from the psychological anxiety of interpersonal conduct.

Many people would not take this happening as mellow as I did; others may rant against their former friend and perhaps swear ugly accusations or vendettas. I, of course, felt otherwise and as though this was a natural culmination which needed to happen. But, it should be said, that my history with people was not always so straightforward; indeed, when I consider my past associations, what I notice is a stark uneven quality. A quality which I now hope to sketch out in hopes of connecting with anyone who has undergone the same ordeal.

I will talk of several different modes of friendship which cover different aspects of my life. Some deal exclusively in cyber-space while others are handled in the real world; each section is a vignette and will explore a different understanding of friendship.

 

~

 

Elementary School: Coerced Association

                Elementary school (grade school) is an interesting period if for no other reason than hindsight; it is the period that you do not think very much of at the time, but is fondly remembered during the first trying weeks of middle school where you realize, in the social anxiety fest of meeting new students, that the safe and secure pastures of K-5 was the location of your comfort zone.

Looking back, I had three different friends in elementary school: David, Chris, Jacob.

David was my first friend. We had bonded over our mutual delight of violence; I still remember that day in first grade where we repeatedly drew Christ’s crucifixion because we loved to make it violent and adorn the landscape with spikes. We did many things together and were inseparable nigh. I would give him Pokemon and some Yu-Gi-Oh! Cards and we would joke around on the bus.

But things did not last much: around the third grade, we began fighting. At first, it has to the trading card but soon evolved into him being jealous over me befriending a new boy, Chris. Although I had only originally bonded with Chris due to his love of my trading cards, after a while he gained an affinity for me and we started hanging out as friends, not just as ‘kids who only like one another for the things they own.’ David was pushed out of the picture; although there was something approaching a kind of reconciliation, things with David never again reached their pre-Chris status—simply put, I was the subservient friend in the relationship and David was bossy; Chris was more equalitarian and treated me less as an attendant and more as an equal.

But, Chris was also a year ahead of me in school. So, there was always this black hole during the class. So, I bonded with another student, Jacob. He and I enjoyed writing stories together. We would design a universe and split our short stories evenly between one page of writing and one page of illustration. He sat with me on the bus during field trips and we also had our desks next to each other. It was a great time; and although I never truly felt like he was a good friend since I honestly didn’t know why he liked me, it as likely simply my own insecurity which troubled me.

In elementary school, I only truly began feeling comfortable during the fifth grade, just as sixth grade loomed. So when the year ended and I ‘graduated’ to middle school, everything which took so long to make, was destroyed.

Middle & High School: Coerced Loneliness

                I didn’t adjust well to middle school. Everyone I knew from elementary school was divided into different wings, and we barely saw one another; drifting happened… I did not respond well. To cover a lot of time, I will just say that in order to cope, I simply refused to attend. Obviously, this behavior made it difficult to learn the curriculum. I was held back twice and isolated myself, only making a couple of contacts whom I faded from associating with as time moved on. I was alone. And that was the way it remained for the remainder of my time in day school; by the time I dropped out, and was studying for my G.E.D, I eventually began to wonder what happened to those old friends I had and ponder if they may be interested in hanging out with me.

Internet Hoopla

During my lonely time studying in night school, I reached out via Facebook and Myspace to some of my old friends. Contacting them was awkward. I was awkward. I didn’t know what to say. To be honest, I didn’t really know how to interact with people online, what some of the slang meant and whatnot. So, the internet helped but what I remember realizing was something that though simple, was deep: in the years I had been missing in action, they had had lead their own lives, lives which featured those meetings of new people and growing up without me. Part of the reason why I found it so hard to relate to them was because they have had a time going through high school and finding themselves as adolescents. Their subjectivity was alien to me, as mine was to them. The void that was temporarily filled, opened back up, if only a bit.

 

~

 

Now that I have offered some brief remarks on my school day interactions, I wish to offer some memories on the decline of friendship.

Daniel: A Gamer

Danny was one of my early online friends; he and I did the sorts of things which you could expect two young Queers to do; though based largely on me advising him and just talking about video games, the friendship was complicated because I eventually grew feelings for him that were never returned. Although the friendship did not breakdown due to our different standings on affection, but rather my own behavior while intoxicated (talking about suicide and depression and the like, as well as begrudging him into a forced obligation), his disassociation was hard to take; upon finding out the Fall I had returned to university that he had blocked me from Steam (out chatting platform of choice), without so much as a message why he no longer wanted to associate with me, I took his rejection hard and nearly drank myself into a coma. Our friendship, though only ever based through the internet, was a long lasting one which had, over the course of around four years, had traversed many an obstacle. I was not well with this happening for a long while. It was the secretive nature of how the friendship ended, that bugged me—during our interactions the previous year, he never informed me that he felt uncomfortable with my actions, nor did he ask me to change my behavior in regards to him; in fact, I did try to isolate him from my actions via encouraging him to go to bed when I got bad. But, he never confronted me on what disturbed him; instead, he waited until the summer break, when he knew that I would not have an internet connection, and removed me from his life. I supposed that I should have suspected something when he didn’t text me over the summer, but I always assume the best in people and had presumed that he had difficulties of some kind and perhaps lost my number. But, he didn’t and under the cover of technological night, had removed me from his life. Though I attempted to apologize via cell, he would not respond.

Justin: False-Friend Obsession

In terms of university contacts, Justin is likely the only person whom I could have honestly called a friend. But all of it was based on pity for my depression and loneliness. First meeting during a summer event at university before we entered as first-year students, I got eyes for him right away. Once the school year began, and the water separated from the oil, I gained an audience with him as a friend by helping him out one day with his schoolwork. From there, I tried to deepen our relation by email and sharing in our mutually shared interests. Well, as time went on, and I sent messages which I regretted and apologized for, and he forgave me while still pitying me, one day I simply gave up and sent him a level-headed, non-hostile message asking him if my accusations—that he was only friends with me because he pitied me; he never responded.

I still feel unsettled by these events, over a year later. I had not held feelings for a guy like I did for him since middle school, but, like middle school, I was destined to be rejected, not only as a lover but as a friend.

Morgan: On the Christian-Secular Redux

                I met Morgan during my internet hoopla spree; part of this spree was discovering my identity as a gay man. At the time, I had joined a support forum for gay youth. A little later, Morgan joined. At first, he and I were on opposite spectrums—he, a Christian (Methodist), and I, and atheist. We butted heads in the religions forum a lot but managed to find some common ground.

We became Facebook contacts and would keep in touch that way. However, I am not a person who has a stable emotional life and after a protracted period of us not talking, I deleted him, with a bunch of other people I knew from day school (this was what I called ‘the great purge’). Some years went by and I decided to search him out and friend him once more; we exchanged some messages and became FB friends again. I was surprised to learn that during his time in college, he abandoned his religion. Things were good, for a while, but one day he deactivated his FB account and would not respond to the email that I sent inquiring why. Then, one night, after having a bit too much to drink, I sent him an angry, accusatory email. This earned a response from him (level-headed) which had boiled down to the following: he was entering a new time in his life and wanted a fresh slate.

I wasn’t among those he had deemed important enough to retain; though that was the truth, it was still hurtful nonetheless. As of writing, I have yet to respond to his original response as I simply do not think a response is needed: I accept his proposition and must accept it as truth.

Chris: A Causality of Distance

He was one of my oldest friends. Aside from David, who did come before, Chris and I spent the latter half of elementary school and the whole of middle-school together; for a time, he was my best friend. I would spend many a night at his house and we would stay up late playing video games and talking. Together, with his brother and his friend, we would have a grand old time just fooling around. But, as my depression grew and I felt increasingly confused about my place in the world while my absences piled up, I distanced myself from him. Finally, when I stopped going to school entirely, I dropped out of contact. Though we would eventually, close to a year or so later, reunite on Facebook, things simply were not the same. I would be the one to put in the effort to call him and text him… but never he to I. During my so-called ‘great purge,’ I deleted him from my FB account thinking that things had reached their normal end—for a brief time, we were close, but that time had ended and now we each had our own direction to go. I didn’t even know him, anymore. Better to let the past remain where it thrives and not in the future, where it withers. I will always remember Chris.

Lucien: a logical conclusion

                Soon after I met Chris, I re-acquainted myself with Lucien, a friend who had been there in both elementary and middle school, but not in my general sphere. Actually, we had met again when I had been out for an evening walk; since he had lived close by on my very same road, my walking trail had gone by his very house and one day, while some guests were leaving, he saw me walking and ignited contact.

From that moment on we planned many a weekend together. Indeed, over the course of the next five years, we would be very close—this young man is, in fact, the subject of this piece’s opening lines, the boy I had known for five years who had recently distanced himself from me. Instead of talking about how our separation happened, I will simply re-post what I had commented on my FB:

“Unfortunately, today seems to be the day that a long term friend of mine (one in real life, mind you, not the internet) has decided to end our friendship, a 5+ year association; recently, he deleted me from Facebook but the signs were there before as he didn’t acknowledge anything I tagged him in and nor did he respond to my private messages asking him about his life.

I do not know why he refused to respond to my entreaties, but I suspect it has to do with either the content of my FB postings (in which case, he may just want to withdraw from FB), since we never really talked much about politics and whatnot in real life; or, the other reason could be that he no longer wanted to handle or be in the way of my depressive episodes. As he has remained silent on his course of action, I can only grasp at straws.

I supposed that I should be upset, but I am not.

Honestly, each of us has just gone in different directions: he, a blue-collar worker, and I, an academic; even a couple years back, we never had much in common and there were moments where I needed to ask him to talk about more serious, relevant issues than the sort of abstract humor we usually conducted; I had told him that it was simply hard for me to spend so much time with him, and yet not having anything concrete to talk about during that period: I liked joking around and playing video games, but there comes a point where discussing current events and real life needed to make an entrance. He agreed and things during the last couple of years have been swell; but, university happened and it grew increasingly hard for us to get together.

Lately, I have, admittedly, been distant– I did not make any great efforts at getting together (provided, transportation, financial matters, and simply scheduling made it hard) but neither did I talk with him much via cell due to both my irregular service and my own psychological hesitancy in contact. This, in addition to my own (recently), intensified battle with depression, and how it has put him in some difficult personal emotional situations, may be why he has selected this path.

It has placed me in an uncertain spot. On one hand, I feel that it would be a concession to my depression should I let this friend go, but on the other hand, with my own studies intensifying and graduate school being a real possibility for the future, and subsequently, it meaning a time when I will not be able to see anyone from Maine except for on special occasions, I feel that with everything considered, it could have ended far more acrimoniously.

I mourn the loss but it is a part of growing up and defining your own personage. One one side, I have lost a good friend, on the other, I almost feel liberated in my deepening isolation because it releases me from the psychological stress associated with talking with him on the phone and planning a get-together– it means that I can go forward in life knowing that the past is passed and the future is golden from this point forward, in that, I am able to press forward.

Well, there is still grey areas to fill in so maybe I am making too much, but there has also been no effort on his part on establishing contact or informing me of his non-communication (he was always the better at maintaining contact; my phobia prevented much proactivity on my part). At any rate, I will treasure those moments with him and wish him the best in his future; hopefully, everything works out for him and his decision.”

If this is not defined as ‘self-explanatory,’ then I do not know what is.

~

Why do you make friends? Because you are forced: the situation you are thrust into, whatever it may be, such as, during elementary school—and like middle and high school, or like the job you toil in so as to avoid eviction—you are forced into association with people for a quarter of the day, five days a week, or more, for the next twelve years (or life). You have to find someone who shares your interests, or at least, doesn’t hate you or mind you hanging around.

So, what did I learn from all of these experiences? I have some extrapolations which should clarify my views.

Meditation 1: Be proactive, not Overactive

                When making new friends, whether you are a student or an adult, the key to building friendships is not to be overbearing. There is a difference between sending a few emails and spamming. Generally speaking, unless someone is greatly put off by you, they will not mind you asking them or messaging them a few times to hang out or do something sometime, especially if it is for a shared interest. What puts people off is the over activity, where you spam them nonstop with the same request every time you see them. Although it can be difficult if you are desperate to make a friend, remember that every interaction you make registers on them on some level; if the only thing they are registering is you single-mindedly perusing a certain interaction, then that tells them very little about you the person while telling them a lot about your personality. Interspace your desire for quality time with some small talk. Don’t give up trying to do something with them when their schedule is busy, but neither incessantly hound them. Maintain a good distance between reality and the future; if you try and rush things before the burgeoning bond between you two matures, then it will make you look either manic and odd, at best, or mentally unstable at worst.

Meditation 2: Best-Friends forever do not exist

                I know it seems like a downer to say that BFFs aren’t real, especially with all the media which likes to say otherwise, but it is true, they do not exist. Yes, good friends whom you have known a long time and are close to, do exist, but to take that concept and extend it to absurd lengths with the BFF concept, or even best friends, is simply ridiculous.

In some measly twenty-something years on this planet, there have been three different people that I have called my ‘best friend’ at one time or another. All of them are no longer my best friend. Why is simple: life happens. In something as loaded as existence, where you, as a person go from a young person with (likely) little life experience to a full adult with their own existence and history spanning decades and decades… how can you think that any one person will be able to sympathize with you (even if they have the time to do so with their own life) throughout the vast changes which transpire over the course of you living and changing? Throughout high school college, a job or career and the building of that occupation, of you maturing and possibly starting a family or seeing someone, of you moving to new cities where seeing someone you knew from back home, or wherever, and then gaining new hobbies and tastes and interests… the list goes on; assuming that your BFF remains as you knew them from your time together, and, perhaps, takes up your new interests with you (something that is both unlikely to happen as well as, if it did happen, a clear sign of co-dependency) , how could you expect that you two are still ‘compatible,’ that is, still share the same interest and personality traits which brought you together in the first place? Exactly, there is no reason; this fairytale idea of BFF, where two close persons know each other for life and never tire of one another’s company over the years, is just a premise for melodramas and comedy films. Good, long term friends exist, but they come and go.

Meditation 3: Friends are Ephemeral

During my first year in college, I briefly talked with a consoler there about how to associate with other students. A remark of his made an impression on me; though incredibly basic, something which should be known by everyone without thought, it had never really occurred to me precisely because it is so basic. He said that my friends at university would likely change semester to semester depending on my friends’ schedules. At the time, this allowed me to conceptualize my exteriority and making sense of my reality enabled me to find some degree of inner peace to the troubles which had been plaguing me.

But this bit of information, this advice, is also applicable to really anyone: the people in your lives have their own thing going on and are only going to be able to associate with other people to the degree that they are free and find you compatible enough with them that they wish to share in your company. Many of these friendships will blossom as quickly are they fade since they are based on momentary collisions and random exits; you meet one-another for but a short time (a week, a semester,  couple of years, etc.) and then, through a vast agglomeration of factors and variables, are torn to new directions depending on your respective goals and hopes.

Losing and gaining friends, when considering these factors, thusly becomes just a part of life—you associate with those whom you find valuable in some regard, and then are forced to part with those friends and make new ones depending on your circumstances. Lacking friends or lacking close friends is therefore not a rejection of your value as a human being, but just an indication that other factors in your life, or your target friend’s life, are preventing you from realizing a friendship (a busy schedule, professional or recreational obligations, etc.). Lamenting a lack of friend or close friends serves no one save your own self-doubt and simply does not match up with reality; perhaps there are personal issues which many people, save a select few, find it hard to put up with, but there is additional variables to consider as well, many of which you have little to no control over as you prepare to live and lead your own life.

Meditation 4: Leave the Past Where it belongs

I am not going to tell you to never reach out to people you used to know; sometimes, checking in on people and getting to know what they have been up to, will result in fantastic premises. But, honestly, most of the time, it will not. For the most part, I am of the opinion that the past should be left where it is—in the past.

Friendships are odd. You meet people and then, for whatever reason, you fade away and find new people. When considering whether to reach out to someone you used to know, you have to ask yourself this: “Why did we stop seeing each other?” More often than not, the reason was because that you either, didn’t, and never did, share much in common (really think about this), or because you diverged on what brought you together in the first place, or, additionally, because something came between you two and conflict ensued.

The thing about time is that it exacerbates difference (both positive and negative); as the old saying goes, time heals all wounds. In terms of the first two reasons why you and the ‘blast from the past’ that used to be the person you associated with, should think twice before reaching out is the following—do you really believe that someone you fought with, or someone whom you never shared many interests with, is going to be different? With the passing of time, do you believe that your interests will collide or that the altercation which drove you apart will have healed? I supposed that there is always a chance, but one has to be realistic and remember that although people do certainly change, and time does heal some wounds, you have to consider the plethora of other variables as to what may have happened in the interim, and what did happen between you and how things may not even be worth touching on again.

Everyone is haunted by the ghosts of their past and the point is to move on, not to befriend your ghosts in the hope of becoming ‘best bros’ with your demons. If you hold onto the past, then you cannot move into the future; it is such a cliché but a cliché for a reason. If you constantly ruminate on what has happened, then you become paralyzed and do not undertake the necessary actions to actually triumph over your past. The point is to be your own exorcist and rid your body of the need to re-do the same thoughts over and over again.

 

~

 

Well, those are my remarks on friendship. Perhaps in certain places it was overly negative or preachy, maybe in others still, it was an inspiring moment. Whatever the case, however, those are my own idea on what friendship constitutes.

As always, feel free to share your own experiences and ideas regarding friendship and friends in the comments.

Beating Back the Demons: Some Tips on Living with Depression

Depression fucking sucks. No need to moderate our language here: it sucks big old donkey balls. There you are, minding your own business, when BAM, it hits—a wave of lethargy and emptiness draining the color from your world and motivation to get up in the morning, making your world one of ‘going through the motions’.

There are different forms of depression: mild, moderate severe, Bi-polar… but each have something in common: they make life difficult. Some people lose the battle and take their own lives. Others live with it in an uneasy truce. I struggle with depression and so I understand the feeling of never-ending strife. Like there is no end to the war and you will always be either dependent on pharmaceutical aid, drugs, or alcohol. It is not a happy situation to be in.

This guide doesn’t exist with the presumption that it is a superior guide to the plethora of other such guides on self-treating depression out there. However, it does hope to do two things: (1) give a down to earth perspective on treatments and various self-help methods, and (2) provide a platform where others can share their experiences of depression, treatments, medication, and the like. The points contained in this guide are, one the one hand, provisional: they are but my own experiences, while on the other hand, they are open to criticism and input from other persons struggling with depression.

This guide is meant to be interactive—please leave a comment below; feel free to discuss your general feelings, struggle, and experiences about any aspect of living with depression: to how medication makes you feel, to how your cope without medication (if you take medication at all), and what you think triggers a particularly severe episode; feel free to even pontificate on the philosophical ramifications of depression. I figure since this “guide” will be me running my mouth, it is the least I can do in return to you, dear reader, for taking the time to devour the lines.

So without further ado, let’s begin!

 

1. Some Tips for Living with Depression

Take-up a physical activity.

                As has been said in many guides over the internet, and by many commentators in the mental health complex, physical activity helps release serotonin (the so-called ‘happiness’ hormone): this in turn wards off some depressive thoughts and moods and feelings. To get the full benefits of this release you have to, what in traditional parlance, is known as “working up a sweat”. Only when you have gotten a real physical work-out will your body produce serotonin.

Now for the real question: does this actually work?

Yes and no. Yes for the fact that working out or walking will produce serotonin which will, in turn, take the edge off of a depressive episode; but that is the devil in the details—at best it can only lessen the impact of a depressive episode or temporarily lift you up for a little while. It will not have a real (lasting) impact.

In my experience, when handling a major depressive episode, rigorous activity only blunted the emotional deluge while numbing my body. During such harsh moments the work-out did help but only minimally. Outside of depressive episodes, where I handle the everyday effects of depression, my work-out activity (fast-paced walking), though helping when done on a regular basis, lost its edge if I didn’t consistently perform said activity; additionally, much like an addict, every once in a while I found that I had to increase (sometime dramatically) the amount of walking I did to receive the benefits.

Now, it should be mentioned that I enjoyed walking even before I found out that it released serotonin. So that helped to a degree as well: of course one is going to be happy engaged in an activity one enjoys. I would sometimes walk as many as fifteen miles a day (that certainly helped with the serotonin!)! While I do not do so much walking anymore, not with academic work eating up so much time, one has to consider that though an effective activity, physical activity will only ever be a crutch in a hard time and at best can only serve as a distraction. One shouldn’t expect it to have a significant impact one living with depression; this being said, I would still recommend taking up such a physical activity since it will help at least some, in addition to keeping you in the health zone.

Music and Art and Hobbies

I have found that art and having some kind of diversion helps. With me, it is music and theory. Mostly music, though. I enjoy listening to the track and finding its emotional and psychological resonance; when I do so I feel as though I am connected to something a bit greater (though not in a spiritual or religious sense). The same can be said in terms of theory (both academic and philosophical): when I read and study texts and investigate society and how it might be changed, I extend myself to new horizons and make my voice be known—I contribute to knowledge and the discussion pertaining to that knowledge and so make myself greater than I am alone. These things give me meaning in an otherwise un-meaningful world. They augment my personage and give me a kind of closure which, although not chemical, does help me through those instances which try and strip me of my voice. Capitalist society is superb at alienating us from each other, even as social media connects us more than ever; this, of course, exacerbates depression and causes us to feel isolated when, in reality, there are others… they are just difficult to find. Understanding how you work in relation to the arts, crafts, and intellectual traditions of the world, and then finding your place, should you desire, in those traditions, may be a useful way to find some deeper meaning to an otherwise blank existence.

2. My Nuance of Living with Depression

Do I take Medication?

Many people living with depression take medication. Some are forced to take it, others do some voluntarily; some find it helpful while others don’t. Whether or not to take medication is a question everyone living with depression has to grapple with at one time or another. So any long-time reader of this blog may be wondering if I, as a Queer Liberationist, take medication.

The answer is no, I do not. The reason can be boiled down to simply the fact that I do not want to become dependent on it; I don’t want my body to barely function should I run out of doses and have a day lost to mental dysfunction. Additionally, being a creative person, I find that while depression is no walk in the park, it does influence my academic and creative outlooks: my disposition allows me access to perspectives normally closed off to the medicated or non-depressed.

I am not saying that because of this depression is a gift, or even a “blessing in disguise”, but that I value the methodology of my mind as it currently exists and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that ability because the negative aspects are intensifying. I prefer to be able and find coping mechanisms which eschew pharmaceutical help. This isn’t because I loathe “Big Pharma’s” business practices (they are much like any other large corporation with a monopoly) or because I hold incorrect conspiratorial views on vaccinations or New Age homeopathy medicine. No. Although I view medication as being highly valuable in many situations to many people, the flip side of this ease is—as I said before—dependency. I simply enjoy creating my own methods of survival instead of finding one in a pill, one which alters my brain chemistry.

Do I Self-Medicate (illegal drugs, alcohol)?

If I am honest I must say that I do, on occasion, self-medicate. When depression has hit hard and I feel paralyzed, as though I can’t or don’t want to do anything, I have been known to either take a few prescription strength painkillers or to down some glasses of high-purity liquor. However, I rush to add that self-medication comes along with the same guide as medication: dependence. Whenever I self-medicate I am careful to ensure that my usage doesn’t evolve into an addiction. Because of this I only self-medicate on occasion, and not every time a depressive spell hits.

Would I recommend self-medication?

Painkillers and alcohol run with increased risks of medical consequences which are otherwise absent from prescription based medication. Alcohol dependency is both an expensive and cancer causing cause of death worldwide. People react differently to alcohol and it has a tendency to overwhelm someone’s life and destroy relationships. Much is the same with painkillers or any mind-altering or numbing substances. Due to these risks I would say that only use self-medicating techniques when recourse to other forms of help are not available. Do not utilize self-medication as a cure all miracle every time you suffer a bout of whatever ails you. If you do drink yourself into a stupor or swallow a few pills every time an episode hits then expect to become an addict in a short while. Only self-medicate as a last resort and sparingly. Be aware of the dangers which come with using drugs and alcohol. The negative effects will sneak up on you, so don’t think you are somehow immune. Be smart about how and when you self-medicate and don’t think you are above the chemical hardwiring such substances have been known to induce.

Views on professional help

Personally, I am conflicted about mental health professionals; not because I feel their career is irrelevant, but rather because of their tight connection to the state and the pharmaceutical industry. Although I did enjoy those times when I was able to discuss my issues with another, qualified individual, such sessions never got very far since I refused to take medication—if you refuse to take medication, then you will find yourself at a dead-end fairly quickly since you are, to the professional, refusing part of your treatment plan. Additionally, with professional help comes the attached legalism: you have a record, essentially, under surveillance via your consumption of medication and usage of mental health professionals. It is easy for assumptions to be made and for your history to be used against you (or it is to me, at least). I would prefer to avoid this baggage. Why pay the funds to receive, at best, if any, treatment, especially when said treatment will give you that background which may, or may not, hinder your future? I would not go as far to say I see all such professional services as pointless; on the contrary, they are capable of helping immensely for many people, but that for me personally, I see such services as more of a trap than anything else. If you find yourself at the end of your rope, then perhaps said services are worth looking into as they could help you greatly… but perhaps not.

3. Alienation and Connectivity

I am an introvert. Social interaction does not come easy to me. And yet, here the contradiction lies, for humanity is a social animal, and though everyone, bar those with mental disease, has their own toleration when it comes to interaction, everyone does need interaction—to a degree.

This does not mean any interaction but rather very specific interaction, interaction which completes you as a person. Now, ‘completes’ is a strong word. So perhaps it is better to say ‘adds depth.’ The point is, you need more than the cold nothingness of the void. And, as I said, here is the contradiction: capitalist society is an expert at tearing us apart and alienating us through the mode of accumulation; our social interaction becomes devalued, as a means to an end—profit, while everything else is pushed to the wayside. This is doubly so for Queer people, who experience alienation not merely as the alienation of their labor, but their identity as well; add in mental illness, something which is strongly regulated and scapegoated (think of a mass-shooting, now remember the inevitable ‘blame the mentally ill individual the media pundits play), and you have a third layer of alienation.

If you are stuck, if you are caught between a rock and a hard place and don’t know how to get out, think of the following: why? What role does alienation play in keeping you glued to this abyss? More than you think; to overcome alienation is a difficult task because we are alienated everyday through not only our surplus-value being appropriated by the capitalists, but by our class position: when you lack transportation, when you are dependent on others, when you lack funds to ‘move up in the world,’ when you can’t do what you love, when you don’t have access to those individuals who may help you cope… what can you do?

Very little alone. You need others. But, as was just mentioned, how do you find others, especially when you lack so much? The big picture is to participate in a mass-revolutionary movement which seeks to violently overthrow alienation—however, we are focused only on the small picture, and that is to find your muse, that noun—person, place, or thing—but let’s say person, who identifies with you more than merely a friend.

Your muse is not merely a friend, though. It can be a combination of people, support groups, online communities, hobbies and art, and emotional and psychological fulcrums and the like. But primarily, it is people: people who perhaps you don’t consider well enough to be buddies but individuals who don’t run away from you when you begin discussing suicide (as a concept or personal contemplation), people who not only listen to your stories of daily struggle, but maybe share their own as well; muses become an integral part of your life because they are part of the same assemblage you are a part of—struggle under alienation. Muses are other introverts (for me, anyways), people who feel the sting of capitalism more acutely than those individuals who have privilege within the system—muses are not merely friends because friends do not always understand your struggle; muses are ‘friends+1,’ fellow travelers on the road to a better life.

I will give a simple example from my own life.

One day, while in the university cafeteria, a woman sat down across from me; she asked if she could sit with me (something she would repeat every time we eat together). The funny thing was that I did not remember her… yet, she knew my name and asked to sit with me; perhaps we had a course together. IF I thought hard enough I seem to maybe recall that class, but perhaps it is merely false memories. Regardless, she was a kind woman and as we conversed together; as we conversed, and told her of my research with Queer Marxist theory, and she told me of her ambition to be a filmmaker, I got this fuzzy feeling in my head. Thankfully, it was a nice fuzzy feeling.

The feeling is complex because it was built over time: she did not forget me and I did not forget her, despite my bad memory. Unlike with other students, who if they talked to me, it was never more than for a fleeting while and for but a day, this interaction, innocuous in the extreme, and built on truth, was based on difference, I think she was rather conservative, and yet respect; we listened to each other with manners and allowed one another to speak. Our banter was not juvenile diatribes (unlike a lot of what you see on university campuses).

One day, as we were discussing things, specifically, how interpersonal friendships, she told me something fairly personal: I won’t repeat here what that activity was but let’s just say it was something which society at large would view as ‘deviant.’ I replied to her that I didn’t feel it odd at all, because you never know when others will leave you. Upon my saying that, she got this smile on her face; it wasn’t grandiose or sentimental, but peaceful and sincere, it was a smile which said, ‘someone who understands.’ I was honest in my remark since I have plenty of ‘deviant’ habits myself and just because the wider society looks down on certain behaviors, does not mean they are wrong.

I remember this moment and speak of it now in relation to muses, because when I had these brief luncheons with this woman, I felt my despondent mood lifted. Here was another individual who was not like the others: she was courteous, polite, not obtuse, and she had her quirks which others would frown upon if they knew. We had a link.

We were only ever acquaintances. We never hung out. Honestly, I never even learned her name. But I can honestly say that I enjoyed her company far more than any other student. She was a muse for me. Someone who, though not a close associate or someone who I would call if my life was falling to pieces, she was a person who made me feel less alone—we glimpsed at each other’s deviances and found them refreshing.

Muses can take many forms but they all share a single frame, to help you. They help you pierce the alienation, if only momentarily. These people are difficult to find, yes, and more often than not they are only people you stumble onto, but that is the point: you stumble onto them during your everyday routine. They require you to have that minimal level of interaction which is needed, however painful it may be, to help you help yourself (and while doing so, helping another).

 

~

 

Well, this is the end of my guide. As I said at the start, I am not saying this is the ‘end all’ guide or your one-stop shop for dispelling depression, or that these tips and stories will even help, just that these are the things I have experienced as a young man living with depression, and they have brought me both help along with a degree of comfort. So feel free to share your own thoughts and to help me make this guide better or to just add your experiences. Per the norm, I hope this helped you to some degree, made the darkness seem less monster filled, or just gave you a smile for a second. Till next time.

‘The Revolution Starts at Home’ (PDF)

Revolution-starts-at-home (click to download PDF)

I am pleased to post the following PDF booklet from South End Press that deals with domestic abuse within activist communities; any young activist, but indeed people in general, should strongly consider giving these pieces a browse when you have some free time.

For a more in-depth description, please see Incite!’s post.

A Guide to Effective Communication

There are a lot of online guides to effective communication. Most recycle content which your elementary school guidance consoler could have told you. So right off the bat I am going to say this: the following guide is not for everybody; this communication guide is for the unusual, the different, the Queer.

When I say ‘queer’ I mean individuals who are shy, introverted, intellectually gifted but prosaically stunted, and people who just don’t like spending time with others who don’t ‘tickle their fancy’. Accordingly, however, I am not merely playing word games as I do intend for my audience to be Queer people (Homosexual, Bisexual, Transgender, etc.); non-Queer people will still find it relevant but with the understanding that the content matter addresses people of a non-heteronormative nature.

I decided to write this guide because the last year for me has been, in many ways, a crash-course in effective communication; this is to say that in not applying effective communication techniques, or simply refusing to apply them, I have garnered a hefty amount of psychological bruises. The good news is though that I have learned from my failures and feel the need to preach the good news (of effective communication) from my own observations.

This being said the guide is highly volatile. Some people may find it useless, others indispensable. How effective the advice is will depend on you as a person. As such, do not hesitate to leave a comment explicating how the advice worked for you or what you would change or suggest yourself. This blog is an interactive platform for the exploited and oppressed, so don’t fret about feeling ‘out of it’, because you are very well ‘in it’!

Anyways, on to the guide!

~             ~             ~

#1: Email (or letter writing, or poetry, or short stories) is key!

                I have a hard time expressing myself in person. Often times I would not be able to express half of what I would be able to express were it not for email or some other form of impersonal communication. When I came out to my best friend, for instance, I wrote him a letter; if I needed to repair a relationship with someone and express why I made a mistake that I did or ask them why they made the mistake they made, I am able to be far more emotive than were I in person.

A strong suit of such forms of impersonal communication is time. When you are sending an email or writing a letter no one can interrupt you; people can’t cut you off mid-sentence while you bravely attempt and explain why it was you cried like a baby when you get drunk or become violent when someone makes an ill-referenced joke. You have all the time you need plus the courage of being able to write what you want and worry about the consequences later—whether it is coming out to a friend or making a heartfelt apology, you have the ability to pour your heart and soul into your form of writing and carefully craft your communique.

#2: Make it lively!

                Are you often called ‘funny’ or a ‘funny guy/girl’? Don’t think it is too informal to add in some jokes where appropriate. Even with more formal contacts, such as professors, you would be surprised how well a well-intoned joke or remark will travel. Obviously you shouldn’t abuse this talent by adding in too many humorous bits, but more often than not, adding in something personal about yourself (humor, references—puns, and a display of your knowledge—concerning your trade, or just a flowing sense of kindness and respect, who you are in real life) will get you far. With contacts of a non-professional nature, friends and family, add in the personality bits fast and thick since there is a lot to gain from doing so and little to lose.

#3: Don’t be a drama-queen!

There is a difference between conveying emotion and being needlessly dramatic; the former and latter are often divided by necessity. Do you really need to link to a melodramatic alternative-rock ballad to illustrate how you feel? If the answer is ‘no’ then do not link the song in your email or reference in conversation. While there is plenty of situations, even emotional ones, where linking to depressing or sad music is appropriate, it will—more often than not—only off-put people, perhaps pushing them away from you, if you overburden your communique with over-the-top statements, dramatic evaluations of your failures or sorrow, and volcano-like eruptions of anger where you swear like a sailor.

If something has happened recently which has made you very upset, not overburdening your message can be difficult. I know the sensation all too well of dealing with an unfortunate event by sending a hastily written message to someone—it counteracts the isolation and allows (hopefully) another person to feel some of what you are experiencing. But this almost never helps things. It makes you look like a child, immature, as though you do not know how to deal with your problems in a grown-up way.

In my time, I have dealt with overriding anger and bouts of intense depression. Previously, I have handled the anger by sending furious, boiling mad messages ‘chewing out’ the object of my frustrations; likewise, with my dips into the trenches of depression, I had made threats which I never intended to carry out. Each of my actions had a consequence. Each of your actions will have a consequence—remember that ripping into someone could result in an irreversible relationship/friendship tear or that a melodramatic email chronicling your hopelessness could result in hospitalization.

Before sending an emotive message, you have to ask yourself the following: what do you hope to gain from sending such a message? What is your objective?

If your objective is to assert that a friend has not actually been your friend, that they are a fake friend, then instead of slathering your email or letter with a plethora of curses and poetic turns-of-phrases which could make Queer Liberationist manifesto shriek with indignant glee, tone it down: remove every instance of accusation, moderate your language to the point of it seeming absurd to send such a message (because it doesn’t convey your present emotional state), and be sure to de-link any emotional music, videos, or thinly veiled threats. Express yourself in an overly polite, formal manner. The expression “you’ll catch more flies with honey” has poignant new meaning here.

Consider the long-term impact of your message as compared to what it is you really want to achieve. Do you truly want to end a friendship or merely make it known you feel like a pity-party with legs, someone who is not appreciated as much as your appreciation is for them? Do you really want to kill yourself, or is it that you want to express your loneliness and frustration with the object of your desire? Essentially it boils down to this: don’t say things you do not mean; it is counter-productive. Communicate your feelings while taking the other person’s feelings into consideration and the end-result will be far more productive. It will ensure you maintain a calm and collected composure (something naturally reflected by your age and presumed maturity) while actuality having a chance at getting to the heart of the matter and repairing the ills which have so plagued you.

To truly illustrate this view I have provided an example below: the first message is one of a person expressing their fury over another person’s perceived hypocrisy in the realm of friendship, while the message following is the revised draft of how one should conduct one’s self via written communiques. Carefully compare the two and take note of the dysfunctions of the first and the strengths of the second.

Dysfunctional email:

“I apologize for being so straightforward but what is your problem? You said that you wanted to spend more time with me, but all that I have seen is the opposite—you prance around with other people while brushing me off like I am a pity party with legs; if you don’t want to spend time with me outside of school/work, then you don’t have to pretend like we are friends when clearly you are scorning me. It makes me feel like shit and I don’t fucking appreciate the pretense. Just say you don’t want to associate with me rather than dragging me along like a goddamn loser. So just cut the shit!”

That email is dysfunctional: it is loaded with melodramatic language (“loser, prance, pity party”), has several swear words over the course of a very concentrated block of text, and is singed with accusatory statements, that this other person is purposely leading along his friend when the reality maybe simply a delusion on the part who sent the email. This email assumes instead of asks. It demands instead of requests. Additionally, the tone is hostile when it should be welcoming. A proper email shouldn’t display any of these negative traits. Below is an example of a proper email.

Proper, constructive email:

“Dear friend. Lately, I have had some concerns about our friendship. While I merely may be mistaken, it appears from my vantage point that the goodwill between us may be based in something other than concrete; meaning, I fear that you are forcing yourself to spend what little time we have had together due to a desire to see me placated. I don’t say this to be hostile but rather simply because lately I have not been very emotionally stable concerning my perception of our relation, and so feel as though my concerns ought to be expressed. I would highly value your input on this matter; whether it is to dispel of fears or confirm them, I would duly appreciative of a thoughtful response from you. Thank you for your time.”

This second email is far better. It is more constructive and proactive. It lacks the hostile, incendiary tone of the previous. There is no cursing, as you will notice. The syntax is one of mutual respect: the user sending it has modestly expressed his thoughts and view on where he stands in relation to a friendship while politely inquiring on whether such notions are true. They have given the other party a chance to explain how they see the friendship instead of blatantly lambasting. Nothing is assumed. A position is expressed, but it is not already codified in a presupposition of reality; a viewpoint has been expressed with the express intent on having another give some input.

Such an atmosphere should be a given in any interpersonal communications, especially if you are feeling as though you’ve been slighted, cheated, mislead, or screwed over. One must remember that emails are forever. The transcript, the date, and code, of each and every email you send will be able to be accessed by anyone with a savory enough understanding of electronics. Just because you have “permanently deleted” something doesn’t mean it is gone. The other party still retains a copy in addition to the traces of it which remain on both of your accounts.

You should maintain a high level of decorum in any emotionally or mentally straining situations precisely because of the rebounding consequences. The eternal nature of emails allows the content to be dug up at any time in the future, for a variety of reasons. I do not have to warn you, as a Queer, that whether it is blackmail, threats, or shaming or outing, there are a large number of reasons why consistently maintaining a respectful, non-hostile prose is beneficial to your image both in your private and public life.

#4: Be concise—don’t beat around the bush!

                Often times it is tempting to preface the poignant with the banal; to discuss random details, events, and thoughts before launching into the ‘real deal’ composing the meat of the intended conversation. While it is tempting to do so because of your mind’s tendency to think that easing into the emotionally/mentally/intellectually/existentially heavy content is better than jumping right into it, for fear out of off-putting the person(s) you are communicating with, it is almost always better to get right to the point. Why? Because after the other has read your email they are not going to remember the banal. They are going to remember the poignant. They are going to respond to the poignant and ignore the banal. Additionally, if upon first glance the receiver gleams a block of text laden with seemingly trivial details, they are likely to take a longer time to respond to it due to its apparent non-vital status; if you are in need of an immediate response then obviously it is a counterproductive move to beat around the bush instead of getting right to the heart of the matter.

#5: Show Respect

                If you are communicating with someone of authority or in a higher position than you—a boss, manager, professor or professional—really anyone who holds power or an advanced degree over you, then you should show them a decorum of respect—even if they deserve nothing but your wildest contempt. When opening up an avenue of conversation with someone for the first time you should never begin by using emoji’s, slang, text shorthand, or anything which falls outside of the respectable canon.

This is because you are not talking with one of your friends. The individual whom you’re talking with, especially if they hold an advanced degree, comes from a very different place intellectually and so they are going to expect a certain level of sophistication; this often translates into using proper grammar, having your words be spelled correctly, and not deviating from the Oxford English dictionary when it comes to definitions (this is a bit more important then you will realize). Deviation from this line allows for the possibility of you not being taken seriously or, worse yet, the other not being able to understand you in the first place.

While there is a bit of room for person with whom you share some common ground, such as if you come from a similar alternative culture or political strand, you should remember that for the most part for your conversations, you will be expected to adhere to a code of conduct. Wandering away from this code of conduct could result in dire results.

Additional: The “S” Word

(Legal Disclaimer: This section does not encourage any person(s) to commit suicide; the purpose of this section is to philosophize and consider the implications of suicide as an act in relation to communication. Persons considering suicide are encouraged to seek professional help)

Suicide is something which happens. It is part of human behavior. Without offering my opinion on suicide I can say this: as someone who has struggled—at times—with such thoughts, as well as the thoughts of others, I can say this: don’t drag others into your struggle; by this I mean that if you are preparing to commit suicide, and imminently intend to act upon your decision within minutes or hours, don’t contact people.

By this statement, I do not mean don’t leave a suicide note or don’t call a crisis line, or reach out for help to a qualified personnel. If you want help then reach out and start the process. When I say don’t contact people I mean don’t leave Facebook posts and/or messages, texts, tweets, recordings, and don’t offhandedly mention (in person) your plans to strangers or contacts. Just act upon your decision.

Why do I say this? Because attempts fail, you suddenly change your mind, you sober up. Additionally: someone you leave the message with, or someone who sees it, could call the police; while the moment may pass the repercussions may not. A failed attempt could leave your whole family knowing your personal business, thus negating your privacy. Likewise, an attempt called off—or forgotten—after you have sent messages could result in hospitalization and the altered opinions of friends, classmates, and co-workers.

It is a human need for emotional and existential connections. When we are down in the dumps and on the edge this is especially true. Besides, sometimes there is this part of ourselves who wants to be talked out of our decision, or who wants to earn some pity, or just have a friendly voice by their side near the end. And yet I have found, foregoing those persons who use suicide threats to control people, that the risks of such communication, and the emotional and moral turmoil thrust on the person you contact, rarely have a tangible pay-off. I’m not going to say that it is selfish to contact people, or that it is wrong to do so, but it does have its own socially ambiguous baggage which has the potential to be highly counter-productive.

Even so, if you do intend on contacting people, I have provided a brief list of dos and don’ts, as well as a sort of code of conduct which I hope you will find useful.

DO leave a suicide note; DON’T leave unsolicited messages/threats on social networking sites or with people.

DO (if applicable) leave a Will or intent concerning what to do with your belongings/wealth/assets.

DO inform people of your decision IF they have expressed prior interest in knowing if you plan on killing yourself (and if they have said previously they will not interfere with ways you have deemed inappropriate).

DO express your gratitude and love to your friends and family; DON’T belittle or deride, saying that it is [so and so’s] fault for your decision.

DO find a method and place of suicide which will enable the least amount of suffering for yourself as well as efficient clean-up after the fact. Tailor your attempt to your method: find a suitable place (for instance, any attempt utilizing firearms is perhaps best suited to the outdoors); DON’T spite people in an attempt by purposefully making the clean-up more arduous than it already is likely to be for them (for example, using firearms in an attempt indoors, in a frequently used room of the house or one that holds special meaning to someone).

Chadzworld: Queer Youth Support Site

(Please note that this entry was written during a time when the site now called Chadzworld was called Chadzboyz. For any Queer youth finding it difficult to overcome some personal obstacles I emplore you to check out the following site and get some of the help and friends which you deserve)

– – – – –

During your time on our great planet called Earth, you might ask yourself the following question: why should I join the chadz LGBT Teen (although we welcome all ages, assuming everyone gets along well with each other) Support Forum? The answers are many, and during the course of our journey together I shall illuminate them for you.

                Community

                Here on chadz you will find a community unlike any other. This is a community built from the ground up with caring individuals; with people who honestly about you as a person, and not just a “poster.”

                Most recently I underwent a period of short, yet extreme, depression. This was triggered from my less than stellar experience at a local Gay Pride Prom; I had discovered that I was among the very few real singles there. I watched as all the other participants became tender with one another, and greeted each other in groups. Most came with their partners, and those who didn’t, came with a group thereby making things very awkward if you wanted to talk with someone. Everyone knew each other and was happy, while I remained alone.

                I walked away from that dance more depressed than I had been in months; I fumed and raged prior to slipping down deep into the pits of misery. Yet, there were those who cared. Those who decided to go above and beyond the call of duty in assisting me in feeling better.

                When I had “fumed” I had posted my feelings of sorrow onto a frequently visited thread known as the “Vent Thread” within the “Advice Couch forum (a great place to go if you need help). I wasn’t expecting a response, yet someone cared enough to attempt to cheer me up. What followed was several days of messages filled with hugs and consolatory gestures.

                The affection this young man showed me is by no means uncommon behavior. Everyday people here lift one another up. This is a forum of people, not posters; this is a community.

                Diversity

                Here on chadz, we have a unique cast of characters to meet everyone’s needs. Whether its political, hobby related or any other craft you can imagine, we have ‘em! Chadz has people from many different walks of life, and many, if not all of them, would be more than glad to share their experiences with you (if you only joined that is!).

                While currently Chadz is a bit lacking in female members, this is something which we are aiming to correct. Within our newest site version we have feminine pictures for our lesbian members, and have been increasing the amount of attention given to issues of the womanly gender. However, the only thing which will really allow the lesbian community fly is by strong, proud young woman (perhaps much like yourself?) from enlisting in our army of diversity!

                This is the same situation which we have found our transgendered brethren and sistern in. However, while shorthanded right now on great people like these, you can assist us in turning chadzboyz into a place where all are included just by joining and sticking around to help your future comrades when they inevitably join. After all, everyone needs a welcoming committee and I believe you would make a fantastic one!

                Safe Place

                I am proudly able to say that you will find no other place on the internet that is safer than Chadz GLBT Teen support forum! Don’t take my word for it though, just see what our embers have to say!

                Chadz has provided a safe haven for me. This site is where I can go and know that nobody is going to tease or bully me (like what happens on other sites). Everybody is nice and helpful. Being in the coming out process requires a ton of support which Chadz has helped with.

                Quite the endorsement, eh? You see, here on Chadz the majority of our members are young people just like you. Some are locked in “the closet,” while others are prancing around free. Some have life partners, while many still search. We know and understand your life, so we know where you are coming from. Here we understand the feeling you get when a boy you liked has offhandedly mentioned his girlfriend, or when a “butchy” lady comments on a man’s “appendage” in a very heterosexual way. We feel your depression and pain, because we have been there ourselves. Never will you hear, or suffer, degenerating words of hate or shame. We love each other here and that’s the way Its always been.

                Fun

                However, not all is serious on Chadz, for we also know how to have fun! There is so much joking and good times that you would need a planet sized box to fit even a small portion of the total joy.  In the words of one member who has been here for years, “…there are some absolutely hilarious comments, topics and threads which never cease to amuse me.” A small taste of the total hilarity.

                Within this little community of ours we have what we call the “Fun House” forum. This is the location where much of our good times take place. Game threads, such as “The Story Line Game” and “The Word Challenge Thread, are abound in this area and I can almost guarantee that you will find something that will make you laugh till milk shoots out of your nose (whether or not you are actually drinking milk!). Then we have the Culture Scene forum where any full member can post their literary works (such as poems and short stories), discuss current books and authors, and other mind provoking topics of concern to the world of books. Following this is the “Show Time” forum where one can talk about movies, actors and anything related to the world of films.

                Support

                You might have already guessed so, but we are big on supporting one another. As previously stated we care about each other in the way only a community can.

                However, sometimes we need more than the kindness of a single soul. Sometimes we need the whole of the community to help us out. On Chadz you will find two support forums: “Advice couch” and I “Need Help Now.”

                The Advice Couch forum is for moderate problems or questions. Minor things such as what to wear to a dance, whether or not a boy likes me and so forth are usually the order of the day, but this depends entirely on what your outlook is. If you think its minor than it goes here, but if you believe it is major than feel free to use the other forum.

                The I Need Help Now forum is intended for more serious problems. Depression, suicide, homelessness and so forth are the types of situations encountered here.

                You are free to use both forums as much as you need to. When you post your query will be answered as soon as humanly possible by one of our members. But wait, the help doesn’t stop there! Here on Chadz we also employ a crack team of advice givers we call CAT (Chadz Advice Team). All’s you have to do is send them a message to a member with a bold Pink username and they will reply with their advice when they are able to (usually this process is very quick, a couple days at the most).

                And again! More to come! Chadz also has a forum called “Your Health,” an area where you can post your questions about sex, masturbation, STD’s and other diseases, proper condom use and any other questions you might have. If it is related to your body in any way, this is the place to go!

                Remember, our members will go to any lengths to help you, just listen to these brave individuals speak….

                “I enjoy helping the members here at chadz, because of the good things this site has done for me. I get a good feeling from helping out the guys, and in return there is always someone to chat to when I have issues or need to talk things through :)”

                And…

                “Well I’ve been here since 04, and the one things I’ve seen is I’m nowhere near as alone as I thought. I met some great people, gained the confidence to come out.”

                And…

                “Basically it’s helped me to meet others who understand my situation and don’t judge me for it. It’s good to have somebody sympathetic to talk to once in a while. Other sites I’ve tried seem only interested in compatibility with other members and what your personal preferences are, and people seem really judgmental. Definitely not that way here.”

                How much more convincing do you need in order to join our community? More?! Well, don’t worry, because I have more!

                Intellectual Debate

                Perhaps you are an intellectual who is looking for a mentally challenging debate? Well, look no further!

Chadz is home to two major hubs of discussion. The first is “World Events” where anyone can debate the happenings of the world and their personal political beliefs. In short, this is the location to discuss all the news stories you hear about in the media. After all, sharing your opinion is as American as apple pie, right?

The second forum is known as “World Religions,” where topics concerning spirituality are placed. Anything related to the supernatural as its place here. Religions, cults, gods, atheism and more reside here. Join now and engage others in a heated, but respectful, debate concerning the spirit (or lack, therefore).  One member said the following about the world religions forum,”.. .but it’s absolutely true. I’ve actually grown in mt atheism as a result of the world religions forum :-bd Again that is true. And it’s my number reason to thank Chadz.” A great and a half to be sure, find yourself through debate!

                However, Chadz LGBT Teen Support forum is all about mutual aid on the religious bigotry of the zealot. Within the reliions forum you will find several threads whose main purpose is to help, as a Christian, understand that the Bible doesn’t condemn homosexuals. To further illuminate check out the threads here, go to the support section of the website, or just send our resident religious scholar NewMorning a visit. He would be more than glad to answer any queries you have concerning homosexuality and the bible.

While much of our content in religion has to do with Christianity, this doesn’t mean we do not have the time of day for Judaism, Islam, or Buddhism/Hinduism. Rather, it simply means that we have a lack of those that adhere to those particular faiths. If you happen to have knowledge on the true meaning of these religions, and are able to interpret them in a fashion that reveals they do not condemn same-sex attractions, than please get your topic up for others to read! We strive to include all in our community, so please share and hang around for potential brothers and sisters.

Friendship

I cannot even begin to describe all the ways in which the Chadz LGBT support forum has helped and given me friends. Here on Chadz, our members are looking for others like you to talk and hang with; they want to share their life with you and be there when things get bad. One member said,” Further more, Chadz is a great place for friends. I’ve finally made gay friends thanks to Chadz. Chadzboyz has successfully created an accepting community which I feel a part of which mean so much to someone who doesn’t exactly fit in at school or home.” Remind you of you?

I myself have made dozens of friends while cruising around the forum and I can safely say the friends I made here have been my greatest safety net; strong and thick as the day is long these people’s words and companionship are. Trust me when I say that you will meet people here that you will remember, and perhaps even communicate with, for life. Who knows, maybe even your soul mate is here waiting?

                Well, there you have it! A great deal of the reasons to join us and our wonderful community! So, what are you waiting for?! Click on the “FORUM” buttom in the upper right-hand part of the screen and sign up; start on your career to online happiness!

Love and Support: Why They are Needed

Love&Support

                I hope it is not a presumption on my part to say that supporting Queer youth and loving them is an important aspect of the liberation movement. Without love, honesty, support and help how many of us can say that we would have made it to our current stations? How many of us can say that we would have become the independent, strong willed individuals we are today without guidance from our family and friends? Surely not many of us. Though it is a terrible truth that many of our brothers and sisters are no longer with us, taken from us by the harsh hand of ignorance, I cannot but help feel had they been loved they would still be here. This is why I am writing this piece; in fact, had I not possessed the love and support of my parents would my fate have been any different?

I have been blessed with a wonderful set of parents; a mother and father who support me in everything I do, want to do, as well as who I am as a person. Though when I first came out there was this sort of trepidation and uncertainty about where to go next and what to say, the process as a whole was smooth. I came out in a humorous way involving a T-shirt and was fortunate enough to where my parents supported me.

When I wanted to wear a homemade gay pride shirt into local stores and supermarkets they not only allowed me but they didn’t say a word in opposition. During this time my brother, however, was slightly less enthusiastic about being in the same party as me and decided against going out with the family while I wore such shirts. My parents, however, talked with him and convinced him that for our long term relationship it would be best if he sucked it up and went with me. He did and though I didn’t wear many gay pride shirts after that small era I will always remember both my parents talking with him as well as my brother’s choice to openly walk around with me while I wore such shirts.

Though those actions took perseverance there next sign of support went above and beyond. This was when my mother and father agreed to take me to a Gay Pride Prom I wanted to attend (in an effort to meet new people). They not only drove me for over an hour and continued to search for the location despite initially getting lost, but once I was inside the prom they waited over four hours until the dance was over; four hours of just sitting out in the car on the side of the street in a city they had never been to, just so I could have a shot at socializing.

The next major sign of my family’s support was when I became lonely and depressed. During this time I searched for gay youth groups in my state. When I finally found such a group they not only drove forty minutes to take me but they waited in the car two hours while it went on. Much like the prom they did this for me with the only change being that this event was every week while the Prom had been a one night event. I would continue to go to this drop-in space every week for some months; meaning that my parents are made of stern stuff.

My parents can do more than simply wait around in the car for hours on end while I socialize they can also stick up for me when the extended family becomes hostile. This brings me to the time when my grandmother came over and started on a bigoted tirade about homosexuals. Though I was in my room listening to music at the time, and hence didn’t hear the rant, my parents asked me afterwards if I did because they were so concerned about the possibility of me hearing it. I said that I didn’t and though they were relived it did not stop them from mailing my grandmother a letter explaining their displeasure at her ignorance.

The mailing of that letter was brave but the fragment which will always stick with me is when I overheard them talking about her tirade and their own experiences with my coming out. My mother stated in her letter she said, “…you know, mother, I used to have opinions on gay people but that changed when two years ago our son told us he was gay.” Those words, I used to have opinions, stuck with me and probably always will. The reason that they stuck with me was because it was proof of the power of visibility, of the usefulness of simply stepping outside of the closet.  Had I never come out would my mother ever gotten rid of her backward thoughts? It is hard to say.

My grandmother’s reaction to the letter was one of support and she apologized for her cruel words and latter sad that she supported me. To the extent that she meant these words I do not know but even if it was merely masking her beliefs it is still a step forward in terms of progress; relinquishing use of bigoted words while in the company of the oppressed is a positive accomplishment at least in terms of political correctness.

So while my family is not perfect-we fight, escalate, call each other names and have financial problems from time to time-I know I am blessed to have such a parental cell. Many youth do not have anywhere near this kind of support and so have found life more horrid than it should be. In this manner I dedicate this piece to all those individuals who are spreading the equality message, to those people who were raised in homes tolerant enough to encourage their growth instead of demeaning it, and to those people who understand that because they have something many do not, they need to do whatever they can to assist those less fortunate.